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noparenthesis
01-07-2012, 03:37 PM
I'd been doing pretty good all week- doing right by myself, hanging with frends, etc etc and not thinking about my ex too much. Like i'd removed him from my mind or something. Like a robot. Put my emotions far away where I couldn't touch them, or at least that's what it feels like. I went to T this morning- she said I was doing a lot of talking about ideas but not actually anything about how I felt. I feel like I can't feel right now, though- if I get too close to it it's overwhelming. I can talk about the bad stuff or logical things but when my t asked me the good things I would miss I couldn't stay composed anymore. And she suggested that when I go get my stuff from his apartment, I see him in person for some sense of closure or something since the fighting/breakup was all over the phone. So I called him to arrange a time tomorrow and I heard his voice and just broke. Cue sobbing in a bathroom. This hurts. This hurts.

Seeing him at six tomorrow night to get my stuff- don't know how I'm going to take it.

I know I need to feel-really feel, but this is so hard.

starforty
01-07-2012, 04:40 PM
I am so sorry to hear how upset you are. I think that you are doing the right thing by posting here. It will definitely be hard to see him tomorrow - do you think you can have a friend to go with you to pick up your stuff tomorrow? From my experience, find it's hard to not want to talk to the ex and how he is doing - maybe if you have a friend there, you could have support while you go through this difficult time.

It's okay to cry. It's going to hurt. It means you have feelings and are feeling emotions. It's okay. Try and hang in there. Take one day at a time.

Serena for Serenity
01-07-2012, 04:56 PM
Hey,

Yeah, it hurts. :gimmehug You are going to go through some overwhelming emotions/times during this healing process, all I can say is that you need to let yourself cry and feel all the emotions fully. After I broke up with my bf I had moments where I thought that I might just explode inside, then I would sob and just feel SOOO much...I almost couldn't handle it, but I sat tight through them. Try to console yourself as best you can, I know it won't make things "better" but anything to help you deal.
I think seeing him in person can be a way to provide closure, but it can be tricky. I would recommend writing down exactly what YOU need to say to him, how you felt, anything you couldn't express to him during your relationship. I also think you should keep it short, as positive/yet honest as possible, and use "I" statements. Ex: When you____, I felt____. Don't make it hurt for yourself or him by getting catty and stating what he did "wrong." You know that it is over, and that this was the best decision for you, so don't try to change things when you see him again. Maybe you would feel comfortable having a friend there?
I know how hard it is, I can say that it gets better in time, but it will be painful :sad You can do this! You are doing the right thing. Stay strong and try not to obsess over tomorrow too much (I know easier said than done).

noparenthesis
01-08-2012, 01:52 AM
Well, he said he didn't want to see me tomorrow or be in the same room as me because he is so angry at me and requested that I come while he is at work.

I obliged.

He also said that I didn't understand him and that I was incapable of seeing anything from a perspective other than my own, that he was trying to tell me things and just didn't listen, and that I always try to paint myself as the victim (re: the relationship). I'll look into this but right now I'm just dealing with too much pain to work on issues.

I am bringing a friend with me tomorrow to get my stuff - my friend is awesome and one of the happiest most cheerful people I know so having him there will really help, I think.

I've been doing a lot of sobbing - trying to tell myself it's a good thing. It's so hard to see someone that you love now despise you so much. Well, he did say he cared about me and didn't want to see how much he'd hurt me and that was why he didn't want to be there tomorrow. I'm angry that I don't get to see him as closure but I guess that's something I'll never get.


Ugh. I know this is supposed to hurt but it just hurts so much.

noparenthesis
01-08-2012, 05:44 PM
Got my stuff. It's...really over now.

I'm glad I spent today with my friend - it made today much less crappy.

starforty
01-08-2012, 06:29 PM
Good for you hun. I'm proud of you. Do you feel a little relief that you did that today? I'm glad you had a friend with you. Take care of yourself.

sisserbell
01-08-2012, 06:54 PM
Noparenthesis,

I never really asked you, but did this,now ex boyfriend, know of your ED?

We both know how painful breakups are and you start doing all your reflecting when you are out of them.

It sounds like you have benefited from the relationship, on which he opened new things up in your life, physically and emotionally.

In my personal relationship, my ex saw my hidden potential and would push me to be a go getter, but I failed to see my inner potential and I think thats why I still pine for him and have flashbacks.
I pushed and pushed him because I wanted him to save me, from me.

I know its not going to be east, but allow yourself to hurt. I only allowed myself about two months of ED free hurting before I fell right back to ED. In those two months I felt myself growing and healing, realizing my own potential. WOW, that felt great. When I went back to my ED, where I am currently, I just want to hit rewind and not have our last argument where I pushed him away and let him know about my ED because that was my barrier wall.

So grieve, scream, cry, hit something, stomp when you walk, but get it out...get it all out!

I am glad you have good friends. You need them now more then ever!

noparenthesis
01-08-2012, 07:14 PM
Starforty - I did feel relief, although it was sort of anticlimactic - going to his place was sort of weird because I hadn't been there in awhile and it looked different (some new furniture) and all my stuff was already boxed up. It was surreal, mostly - it's just so strange that it's...over. I'm glad my friend was with me too.

Sisserbell - my ex knew about my Ed, but more as an after the fact thing - I was able to stop using behaviors earlier this year, but I was only able to open up to him more about the ED and talk about it later on after behaviors weren't an issue anymore. He also knew about my depression and anxiety and was pretty supportive of those - he was there when I started going on meds for them and things like that. I did benefit from the relationship in a lot of ways - I wasn't able to open up to anyone but my T before him (with the ED and such), and now I'm a lot closer to my family and many of my friends because of it (and of course was close to him as well).

I think the part that hurts most right now is that I felt safe, and loved, and protected around him and that part is just...gone - that's something that now I have to do for myself, instead of having that from him. The phrase "I wanted him to save me, from me" resonates with me though...my own negative self worth made me want to keep seeking validation from him, and playing the victim in order to get more positive attention. I've noticed that I like to focus on the negative aspects of things to make people feel bad for me and get attention. I think I was seeking something in him that I never could get unless I gave it to myself...I took more than I gave.

I'm trying to allow myself to hurt - sometimes I want to yell obscenities at him and sometimes I want him back. In my heart I know that's not going to happen but for comfort and nostalgia's sake I want it.

The growing and healing and realizing my own potential part is what I'm most looking forward to - if I can get through this I think I'll be stronger for it. As for the ED, I've been behavior free for months and don't want to go back to that - I am still struggling with negative self talk/putting myself down which achieves more or less the same destructive purpose, which I am working on.

I like the stomping when I walk idea - it's not conspicuous, but I imagine it would feel really good...I've been having visions of myself throwing things which sounds so appealing but I don't actually want to break anything.

I want to sign up for a judo class at school which would be fitting for the time being as well, I think.

Serena for Serenity
01-09-2012, 10:46 AM
Glad to hear that you got your things and that your friend was with you! Now you have severed the ties by getting all of your stuff and can work on mending the emotional ties. :gimmehug

"What hurts most right now is that I felt safe, and loved, and protected around him and that part is just...gone - that's something that now I have to do for myself, instead of having that from him."
Yes, that is what hurts most for me too. Not just in my relationship with my ex but for MYself in general. It can be hard to empower, validate, protect, and love ourselves, but that is one of our biggest things to work on during recovery from an Ed. I too have sought validation and from others, for most of my life, and I am slowly learning to do it for myself.

I recently bought a big spiral bound journal and a book called, The Creative Journal-the art of finding yourself and it has really been helping me express all of emotions. You don't need the book to journal, but maybe try to draw,write, paint, whatever in a journal to get all your emotions out? This morning I felt really on edge and just down and so I journaled and I ended up getting some nasty/negative emotions out by drawing some angry, crazy, pictures and writing. I also like the stomping your feet idea, I may try that too! I like to scream in my car, hit pillows, etc. I also clench my fists together really tight and channel all of my emotions to my fists, feeling the negative feelings flow through me and noticing how tight my body is, then I reach my breaking point and unclench my fists and expel the energy out into the universe. It's a way to let go.

It'll only keep getting better :bounce

noparenthesis
01-09-2012, 09:11 PM
Learning how to do it for myself feels so foreign! I don't think I've ever lived any other way - I started classes for the semester today and I find that I always want to impress my professors (or anyone in an academic setting) also - understandable, but I need to be telling myself I'm awesome so that criticism doesn't hit me as hard. I've been doing this more lately and I am doing ok on my own but it's still nice to hear those things from others...I guess it's just something I'm going to have to keep working on.

I should definitely journal more; I used to do it all the time and sort of stopped, although I will every once in awhile. I'm also working in some workbooks which bring up some crappy emotions from time to time so the journaling would help with that, too.

Thank you so much! Here's hoping it only gets better...it's only been a week and a half since, but I do like the notion that I can take care of myself (and am doing it pretty well actually). After a breakup two years ago I felt like I had lost myself in the relationship and had to start from square one...that isn't the case here.