View Full Version : Am I being selfish?

01-06-2012, 11:27 AM
I couldn't really think of a title for my post. I have so many emotions and thoughts going through my head. This is the first thread I have posted here and I don't really know where to start.
My Hubby and I have been together for six years. When we first started dating I was in a relapse with my ED. He did his best to help me through but he didn't really know what to do. He spent time holding me when I was upset after eating and he would call me on my irrational thoughts. I had been so trapped in my ED that I wasn't able to distingish. I did end up going to treatment (IP) within the first two years. I thought for sure he would have left me. I was recovered ( well ED thoughts and behaviour free) for about three and half to four years. We moved to another city and decided we wanted to experience different things.
I have always had this OCD type behaviour when I got overwhelmed or anxious I would want everything to be neat and in a certain place. My hubby never understood that and still doesn't. For awhile when I was in recovery I had a lot of moments where it didn't matter if the pen jar wasn't x amount of inches away from the corner etc.... Then recently well about a year ago, I started to get more anxiety and panic over every day mundane things. A couple of months ago my husband told me to stop telling him to put things away. It's so stupid yet it causes me so much anxiety. It seems the more I'm struggling with my ED thoughts and behaviours lately, my other controlling behaviours and thoughts have gone into high gear as well. I feel guilty for trying to have him deal with my own anxiety. It isn't the end of the world if something isn't put away but sometimes I get so overwhelmed with emotions, and I get so angry. :mad I know it isn't worth the stress but it seems to be a really big deal to me at times. I lash out at my husband becuase I don't know how to control the sudden flood of emotions. Last night I threw something across the room because I was so mad. over something as stupid as his wallet on the printer. I feel so guilty for getting angry over stupid stuff like this. THere are times where I am able to say, 'whatever let it go' but it seems lately I don't have much control over those emotions. I journal all the time.

I suppose overall in our relationship, I don't feel I'm being heard. He easily forgets when I've asked him to do stuff. Yet when he doesn't do it then I get remarks like "why didn't you remind me." and when I have reminded him in the past he says "I don't like it when you tell me what to do." Or I tell him things that have happened at work or other interactions I've had during the day. I often get a reply "you should have" "I would have said". To atleast eighty percent of the time when I'm telling him things. I've asked him to stop as it makes me feel like I didn't do the right thing, or say the right thing. I feel stupid and inadequate. But nothing has changed. I don't know how to be more clear other than telling him to stop saying it before it even comes out of his mouth. But then I feel like I'm not giving him the opportunity to speak his mind and how he feels. I know deep down he doesn't mean any harm by saying these things but I don't know what to do. Am I being irrational? Over sensitive?
A couple of months ago he told me something he doesn't feel I'm being respectful to him at times. THat hurt me a lot because I take pride in showing my love for him. I want the best for him. But when he said that to me it kind of made me look at how I talk to him when I'm feeling ok (not anxious) vs when I'm angry (which probably isn't even because of him in the first place). I am a horrible person towards him. I don't treat him right. WHen i'm upset I treat him the way my dad treated me growing up and yea it's isn't respectful. I'm trying to work through what will help me chanell those feelings before it turns into a volcano and he is the blunt of it. But sometimes it's like a light switch, one second i'm totally calm and collected and then all of a sudden i'm a raging lunatic. :sad

I feel selfish for blaming him for those emotions at times. I suppose its because the trigger has been identified by something he did or didn't do. But I know that whatever his action was, probably had nothing to do with my reaction and my emotions. My hubby has a different view on the medical system at the moment. I don't feel very much support. He says he will do whatever he can to support and assist me but I've already stated things that bother me and it didn't go far at all.

I feel selfish for even thinking this but sometimes I feel I have changed a lot for the sake of working towards the relationship and he hasn't. Although, I don't think it's true. We have had ups and downs and he has changed. I don't know what I'm looking for at all. I feel like I've made a lot of sacrifices for our relationship and do alot to keep things going while he has taken the back seat burner. I suppose I don't feel I can handle these responsibilies because he hasn't taken much.
I feel so awful and guilty for expressing this but I don't know what else to do. :sad
I love him so much.

01-06-2012, 04:09 PM
Are you seeing anyone for your anxiety issues?

Can you learn some skills to use at times when your anxiety is high?

Have you ever thought of using a resource like a workbook for anxiety that would teach you strategies etc?

01-11-2012, 07:52 PM
I understand the feeling of you doing all the work. I feel I have changed a lot through the course of my recovery but my husband did little to no change so there were issues in our relationship that still remained a problem.

This past year (six years after recovery) everything came to a head and we began couple's therapy and I purposely chose a male therapist so it could not be said everything was being seen from a female's point of view. It has gone okay, unfortuntely due to our schedules we are not as consistant as we should be, but we are committed and get in any chance we can. Change is not coming quickly for him but I at least feel heard and we have come to some agreements on some things.

For instance, for thirty years I have reminded him of his siblings birthdays and made sure he called them or got them a gift (which meant I got them a gift). I have never asked him to do this for my family and got fed up with the arguements that ensued because I was "nagging" him about things like this. Meaning I had to remind him multiple times to call.

So with the help of the therapist we came up with a plan. I will remind him once, a few days ahead of the event and then I will let it go. If he chooses not to contact the person or get them a gift that is his choice and he will have to suffer any consequences.

It has been hard biting my tongue knowing the ball is being dropped and a few times I stepped in and sent flowers to prevent hurt feelings for a particularly special occasion but I am committed to sticking with this plan.

I have also made him understand why some of the things he has done which he felt was not a big deal was so hurtful to me. (now whether he will remember that conversation is another matter).

Is couple's therapy something you think your husband would be open to?

01-11-2012, 08:27 PM

It can be hard to weigh in on marital issues, because we can only get one part of the story.

Something that does come to mind is that you say that your husband often forgets things that you ask him to do. Is it possible that with the amount of requests that you place on him with your OCD and the regular everyday stuff that your true needs and desires are being lost in the shuffle? That maybe he's getting so many comments and requests that it's hard for him to sort out what is the significant stuff from the insignificant?

01-12-2012, 01:13 AM
I think it sometimes seems more difficult from "our" side because we are the ones trying to cope with our anxieties, ED problems as well as our relationship - whereas the partner without ED lacks real understanding of how it feels to be afflicted and can only do the best they can from the sidelines. So I can appreciate both scenarios, I can imagine your H's frustration and I can appreciate how you can see a lot of things he forgets or avoids to do to help and your frustration and disappointment as well.
How do you think we can help you with this on the bowl?

01-13-2012, 01:00 AM
Thank you for the reply guys. I'm inclined to agree his forgetfulness is linked to my requests. I really try to see it from his point of view as well. My dad essentially did the same thing, so I know how it feels to be 'harped on' and I want more control over my reactions.Good things is I've had several relatively good days. I have really bit my tongue (not too bad of a challenge) I haven't been feeling as anxious about location of things etc. I have been working on finding activities to distract myself away from anxiety. When I start to feel uptight I'm trying to get into the habit of doing a craft but that's not always an option. Sometimes I"m not home
We have talked about couples therapy but I'm still trapped in the thinking that this is all my fault. And I'm the one who needs therapy (which i start next week). And maybe that's all that needs to happen. My perception is totally off and wonder if that where these feelings stem from. I want to work on controlling the feelings, chanelling them appropriately and taking responsibility. I take responsibility for my actions and often feel guilty for my reactions. I suppose cause I know I CAN control them. I just need to use the tools.