View Full Version : Continued Pain over Breakup from Ex

Liv Kaymak
01-04-2012, 01:21 AM
I am really struggling with the breakup of my boyfriend. Some of you fishies might already know this, because I have posted about this. I am sorry that I keep being so redundant. I feel like I should be over it. I then feel so stupid and pathetic for not being over him, and then guilty for it to still be effecting me so much.

I returned home for winter break from being abroad. I was a bridesmaid at one of my best friend's wedding, which really got me thinking about love and marriage (and the loss of it not being with my ex). Then recently we had a brief email exchange. It was polite and cordial. But I believe a combination of all these things really got me reeling in painful emotions again. I was already still hurt by the break-up, but now I feel the pain more acutely. If I am going to honest with myself and everyone here, I am not over him. I think I need to maintain more distance, which saddens me. (I have expressed this to him, and he respects my decision). However, I miss him, I want to be with him, and I am not fully over our relationship.

The fact is that I truly loved him. We only dated for about six months, but it was a different kind. I had never felt this way before, or had ever been in this kind of a relationship. We became so physically, emotionally, and mentally intimate. It felt so rare and amazing. Now, I feel like I doubt everything. Sometimes, I really wonder how he felt, or if he really felt those things. It really shouldn't matter, but it does for me. I just keep thinking, if he really felt that way about me, he wouldn't have broken up.

For you fishies, who don't know, my ex broke up with me in April. He said it was because of my school. I was going to be studying a masters abroad, and he doesn't quite believe in long distance relationships. Then he had concerns over our age difference. He said our age difference was too much for him (we were ten years apart). Both reasons hurt me a lot. I really wanted to try to make it work. I would have even returned home for him, or not have done the program. (....Sometimes I feel like he projected a lot of things on me from his divorce...which is not fair, but I don't know....I can't read his mind.....and I need accept what he told me, as there is no reason for him to lie to me). However there is a small voice in the back of my head telling me that he just didn't love me. If he really loved me then he wouldn't have broken up with me. He would have wanted to be with me. The idea of him not loving me, really hurts..

Anyways, I still feel the pain. I am trying to move on. I haven't tried to contact him. I try not to think about him constantly or ruminate (I have seriously been trying to work on not ruminating about him or our relationship since September--as that was a big problem). I have even tried dating other people. At one point, I was forcing myself too much with men: being too physical, and all too fast. It was hard on me and I was not ready for it. Now I am kind of on a hiatus from dating.

I just don't know what to do anymore. Sometimes, I wish I never dated him. Sometimes, I wish I never shared with him the things that I did. I told him so many personal things about myself, and painful experiences. He has a part of my vulnerability. Now I wish I hadn't. Its like, he has a part of me, and I want to take it back. I am not sure if that makes any sense. But it makes me so frustrated and angry. I want those parts of me back. I trusted him. Now I feel so betrayed. I wouldn't have shared those experiences with him, if I would have known that he would have ended things...

I feel so hurt because he is dating someone new, and it is serious. Like what does she have that I don't. (Well she is older, and he wanted somebody older and more mature..). However, it makes me so sad that this other woman gets this wonderful man. The idea that he loves this woman, and is willing to be serious with her and not me, just hurts my heart so much. What was wrong with me? Why couldn't he love me?

I need to be honest, although we didn't work out and he broke up with me. He truly is a good person, with a good heart. I have so much respect for him. And as much as it pains me soo, I do wish for him to be happy....I just feel a lot of hurt and pain. I wish I could still be with him. I want to be with him so badly. I shared so much of myself with him, I feel like I bared my soul to him. I felt so free with him. Moreover, I felt so safe and secure with him. Its like all of my insecurities and anxieties would calm down when I was with him. I loved spending time with him. I enjoyed every minute. I loved him as a person, with the bottom of my heart. I thought we had a connection. When we were together, he would always speak of it.

I don't know, what I am doing. But I feel so raw and in pain. I am not sure, how to move on. If anyone has any kind words, support, or advice about moving on. I would appreciate it. I would like to meet someone, fall in love, and eventually marry and have children. I recently told my new T about him! He asked me if I would be ready to trust again. The question really struck me, because I feel like I am not ready to be open up to anyone or trust anyone. Although I want to be. I want to be able to move on. I want to be able to be open and trust another man, and hopefully fall in love again. However, I am afraid I can't. I don't how to get past this barrier.

I feel so scared and alone. I used to pray to God about finding a man like my ex, and when we were together, I felt like my prayers came true. And now that we broke up, it feels like some cruel joke. Why would fate give me something, just to take it away. I am so afraid it will never happen again...I realize God is not like that (I do believe in God, I am spiritual), but I am struggling in this regard. I want to accept that there is a bigger picture and I cannot control everything.

I want to be able to trust in myself and in the universe, but I find myself unable to do so. Instead I find myself in much pain, sadness, and fear. I am struggling.

If any of you fishies have advice or support about moving on, or about break-ups, or finding love again, or hope to find love again, or anything of the sort. Your advice would be much appreciated. Because right now, I am at a loss. I feel like I am still grieving the loss of our relationship and the personal pain of a break-up (of being dumped more so). And I feel like I should be over it, but I am not...Everything just hurts unfortunately. I have randomly been crying these past few days over anything that reminds me of him and our relationship.

Thanks for listening everyone, I really needed to get this out.

Much love,

01-04-2012, 03:22 AM
From the way you describe your ex, he sounds like a good man who can be trusted to keep safe the secrets and intimicies you shared. You do not need to feel vulnerable or ashamed for having shared, although perhaps this makes it harder to grieve him.

There is nothing wrong with you at all. Unfortunately we humans cannot choose who we fall for. He obviously holds you in high esteem and respects you (his agreeing to maintain more distance shows this), which shows he likes you. However there are factors that can't be changed however nice someone is (our ages are completely out of our control, and if that is a factor for him then there is nothing you could have done to change it).

Grieving can be so hard and takes different amounts of time for everyone. If you feel that you are excessively upset still, then perhaps some therapy focused on this specific issue would help. It will resolve eventually: one day you will be able to look back with genuine fondness without the hurt.

01-04-2012, 05:42 AM
About ninety-five percent of your post sounds like it could have been written by me. The similarities are astounding and reading your post brings up a lot of emotions for me. The main difference is that after two attempts of friendship post-breakup, I finally had to end the friendship with him. It hurt too much to be reminded of what I no longer have and it hurt to know that he's perfectly fine without me, while I continue to want it to work out so badly. I still think about him quite a bit. Even though I ended the friendship, I've tried multiple times to talk to him and, because he respects my decision, he hasn't replied.

The major advice I can offer you based on my own emotional journey is that you have some power in how you handle the pain. I had my days of staying in bed all day, skipping class and work to stay home and cry. And my T told me on one of those days that I have a choice in how I deal with the feelings. I could stay home and cry and that wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing. Or I could choose to go eat lunch, take a walk, and go to my last class of the day. She even completely agreed with me when I said how hard that sounded. She pointed out, though, that I had to consider what was most effective for me.

Sometimes we do need to cry, but that particular day I knew that moping in bed wouldn't actually make me feel any better nor would it help my situation (missing class/work). As freaking hard as it sounded, I knew that getting some food and getting out the door would be the most effective option for getting what I truly wanted- to live my life. And on a day that I did choose to stay in bed, I realized that it was my decision. That lonely crappy day was the result of my choice. My ex wasn't forcing me to stay in my room and isolate, I did that all on my own. And that's when I made a decision to take some responsibility for taking care of myself and it's been getting better. I'm doing things that make me happy- like running, spending time with people I care about, reading, applying for a phd program, etc.

I'd recommend coming up with some self-soothing strategies for the tough moments- like I have a playlist of uplifting music I listen to before bed (my toughest time when all the emotions hit), I focus on my breathing, I play with silly-putty for the tactile sensation. Figure out what works for you.

And finally, time really does help. Unfortunately, it's not overnight; slowly but surely, though, the pain becomes less intense and less frequent. I really hope my experience is helpful to you in some way, and I'm sending you lots of hugs! :gimmehug

01-04-2012, 07:48 AM
Can you tell him how you feel and ask him not to contact you anymore? I know this sounds counter intuitive, but the truth is, time and distance make a huge difference in moving on. I spent NINE YEARS trying to move on from one of the only men I ever loved. I dated, even had a serious relationship, but I stayed friends with the ex and after that ninth year ended up in bed with him and realized, while we were in bed, that we had both changed, that the past was special but it was no longer and he was no longer what I wanted and that what I yearned for was what that relationship made me feel...special and innocent and a woman falling in love for the first time. Something I will never get back. I got up...in the middle I might add...and that was the last time I spoke with him. I ran into him a few years later and it was good to see him, but I no longer felt the pull. Mind you, I finally fell in love with someone else and that was a whole mess and now, after a year of breaking up with man I loved number two, and remembering that trying to stay in touch only damages me, I am trying to put time and distance (and not doing a good job) because at thirty seven I know just how much time you waste longing for something or someone.

You have no idea who you will end up with. You don't know whether this man will come back into your life. But you are severely doing harm by talking with him. Thinking about him is something you can control, but you have to start by understanding that the thoughts aren't real. Those are just what you want them to be. The relationship was real but it's no longer. And your thoughts are projections of your fears, feelings, longings. You can put a stop to them if you learn to focus on the present (very hard but doable). But you really should stop speaking with him. For some of us dating someone new can take a long time, and that's ok. Being single doesn't mean being alone, it just means taking care of yourself and not focusing on romance. Besides...you want that intense love again...right?....the second time around was much more intense than the first....trust me. The more you know yourself, the more amazing it is.

01-04-2012, 08:04 AM
But you are severely doing harm by talking with him.

From my own personal experience I have to agree that
you need to seriously end this and not communicate.

I tried the friend bit and it only prolonged the pain.

I know the pain and the questioning the why it happened
and didnt work out and it only drove my insane and it
lengthened the grieving process for me.

I had to feel the pain and let it all go.

You will find someone who is right for you. Perhaps now
is the time to give dating some space and just be.

god bless.

Liv Kaymak
01-04-2012, 03:58 PM
Wow thank you so much for the responses!!! I really needed the support and to hear some of those things. It really helps. I think I am going to print this out to just remind myself of these things. I will respond in more detail later though, as I do not have much time at the moment. xoxo

01-04-2012, 04:29 PM
I echo what sflathinker and duck said. Really, in my experience, your best bet for healing is time and distance. In time, all things become less painful. I know that's not a great answer, and probably not the one you want to hear because you are hurting right now, but just know that with time and distance you will get over this relationship and you will be okay. In the meantime, take good care of yourself and don't rush into something new. I remember that it was really hard to start dating again after a major breakup because I was comparing everyone else to my ex. Just be patient. Pamper yourself a little if you can! Watch funny movies! Something that helped me was I read a really stupid book about break-ups, called something like It's Called a Break-Up Because It's Broken, and it just cracked me up. Sometimes laughter is the best medicine! Hang in there, you will get through this.

01-05-2012, 01:50 AM
I'm sorry to hear that you're hurting. I just went through a breakup too, albeit more recently, and it's not fun. I relate to the idea of wanting to forget it all happened - because it hurts too much and it's easier to think that it didn't matter if it didn't work out.

However, you say that ultimately you do want to get married and have kids - I think that ultimately, when you end up with "that person," you want it to be someone who one hundred%, unquestionably, wants to be with YOU for YOU. Not someone who has left you, or who doesn't want to be with you.

He very well could have felt like that, but feelings can and do change. My ex talked about how he had never had a relationship like the one he had with me, about how he wanted to marry me and have kids with me, but ultimately, that did change and he didn't want those things with me anymore. It sucks, but no amount of wishing or hoping or ruminating can change another person's thoughts, feelings, or actions; all you have is you.

Liv Kaymak
01-05-2012, 10:36 PM
Everyone, thank you so much for your responses. I have taken it all in and it really helps. I am sorry that I cannot respond in a more detailed manner. I have a massive amount of homework, and I am quite stressed. However, I will take much of your advice. I am going to keep/maintain distance from my ex, and just try to accept the pain, but not let it swallow me. I think I need to learn how to have hope in love again... and really I think it boils down to loving myself. Because really, we only have ourselves, and unfortunately, I do not love myself....(I wish I could say I did, but I really have many issues to work on, which I am trying to work on in T).

Thank you you everyone. xoxo

01-05-2012, 11:23 PM
Hi liv,

It sucks, doesn't it? My last relationship ended a year ago and I agonize on a daily basis. I don't want to think about it, but it's always there. For along time, I noticed, I jumped from relationship to relationship because I just couldn't be alone. When love came into the picture I noticed I Pined over the loss of love for so long. There is a term for it called Limerence. I just can't get over it.

I continually get flashbacks of great times together and I have so many regrets.

This is not a helpful message at all, but I know how you are feeling. If I am giving myself time and hope, you can do it too.