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View Full Version : How to confront friends??


pantherr
01-03-2012, 08:16 PM
I have two friends I need to talk to.

First: my roommate, who I consider one of my best friends, was OUT OF CONTROL on New Year's. I invited her to go to a small house party with me and my bf, and she got quite drunk and invited ten+ people to the party without asking me, my bf, or (god-forbid) the actual hostess. Then when these random guests were rude/sketchy, I had to kick them all out, I had to apologize to everyone, and I was the one that was extremely embarrassed. My bf is a few years older than us, and I feel like her behavior, aside from being rude, magnified the age-difference. On the way home, he looked at me and went - "I'm too old for you. You should be enjoying college, because you don't get to do it again."

:ummm

I don't want to have to tell her that she owes him (and ME) and apology, but I think I should stick up for myself.

Also, one of the girls that she invited who I happen to really, really dislike, pulled me aside and drunkenly told me that my roommate wants to move out, but she feels obligated to live with me, and that we should both just move into disliked-girl's house because she has an extra room that's big enough to be a double.

Well I can't move to a different city because I don't have a car and I am a full time student. I have to live within walking/bus/bike distance to my university. And I haven't heard about any of this from my roommate, so needless to say this is a little bit upsetting and mean.

Second: I have to talk to a different friend who is both a food pusher and food demonizer. She has said several very negative things to me about my bf (she disapproves of the age difference, even though she dated someone with the same age diff. last year so it's unbelievably hypocritical), about my college, about my weight, about my eating habits, and on and on..

I just feel like I would NEVER do these things to someone else, much less someone who was supposed to be my friend. And to be honest, I feel angry at both of them because I really love them and value their friendships, and they've both put me in very uncomfortable situations in the past couple of weeks. I'm just not sure how to bring these things up or what to say, or what they could say to make it better.

(FYI the age difference is seven years, which yes, is a lot, but honestly it's not that much. I've always been older than my age, and everyone that knows me agrees I have to date someone older.)

sflathinker
01-03-2012, 08:58 PM
Put this into perspective. THe second one isn't a big deal but the first one is. The second one can be dealt with the next time she says something that upsets you...for instance when she brings up your bf you can say "I know you are saying this out of care and concern but we are really quite happy and one of my New years resolutions is to live life in the present in a healthful manner and reject negative thinking, please help me honor that."

As for your roommate, tell her that you are hurt and embarrassed and had to apologize for her. I think she needs to decide for herself who she owes the apologize to but she should know how it made you feel.

pantherr
01-03-2012, 10:15 PM
I think you're right in that the situation with my roommate does require more immediate action on my part. Thank you so much for your advice - I think I will tell her that and hope that she can reach the conclusion on her own that she definitely has a couple apologies to make.

As for the situation with my second friend...I like the way you started with something positive. Part of me thinks she does say these things out of concern, but they're just so hurtful.

bellydancer
01-03-2012, 10:37 PM
Your friend in the second situation might not be being hypocritical. It might be that her relationship didn't work out, and she wants to warn you of some of the issues that can crop up. It might not be coming from a place of hypocrisy, but of experience. Seven years isn't a huge difference, but the younger you are the more significant the gap is. A seven year gap when you're twenty is going to be more significant than a seven year gap at thirty or forty. My husband is nine years older than I am, but if we'd started dating when I was nineteen or twenty it would be have been a lot more complicated.

As for the first situation, you should talk to your friend and tell her how her behavior made her feel. She might not realize that what she did was wrong. In some social circles, bringing along a load of friends to a NYE party would not be a big deal. In other settings, it definitely would be. A person should know what sort of party they're going to. It might be that she didn't realize this was meant to be a more low-key event, instead of a big blow out.

dermaline
01-03-2012, 11:15 PM
How good are you in general about communicating your feelings or concerns to others? To you feel you tend to leave until it gets v messy or are you able to be assertive fairly easily?

pantherr
01-04-2012, 01:32 PM
Dermaline, this is a great question...to be honest I am terrible at being assertive and am terrified of confrontation. So that's why this is so hard for me. I want to talk to both of them, but it's going to make me supremely uncomfortable.

I think I will see my roommate today so we'll have a little chat. Bellydancer, thank you as always for your wise words. You're right. I will give her the benefit of the doubt and approach this considering the fact that maybe she really just didn't know better. She is used to big, blow out parties where she can bring whomever she wants. I'll just have to tell her that this party was not like that and that it put me in an uncomfortable position, and that in the future she just has to ask.

As for the second situation, I think I am more bitter about this because it goes farther back. She has a history of being negative, so the issue around my bf is just another thing on the list...although I take it much more personally because he's become an important part of my life. I'm seeing her tomorrow night and we're having drinks together, so maybe I can just bring it up then without it being some huge confrontation.

Wish me luck, and I'll check in later to let you fishies know how it goes. Eep.