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sisserbell
12-30-2011, 01:57 PM
Why is it that every relationship i have had, that be friendship, family, boyfriends..I test the limits to see how much people love me. I will go to extremes play victim to pit me, bfs I always had to be right and in control.

I see it as, I don't love myself unconditionally, but if someone did or does, I will be alright. Why can't I get in through my head that I need to love myself first then look to others?

Does any other fishy push the limits on love to almost save themselves, from themselves(Ed)? If that makes any sense

ducksquack
12-30-2011, 05:25 PM
I know for me I had to dig and find out why I
hated myself and why I had such horrible beliefs
about me in order to start healing.

I also had to take a serious and hard look at myself
and see what I needed to change. Honesty was the
first thing as my whole life had been a lie as I hid
my true self.

Others can be there for us, guide us, encourage us
and show us by example but in the end it really is
up to us to want to change and do the work.

What I was doing before was NOT working and I had
to find a new way or continue in the misery and insanity.

Who can help you and how can you help yourself?

god bless.

axi
12-30-2011, 08:55 PM
I am finding out that my husband did this a lot when we were dating. As I have found out about each thing he lied to me about or spun to make himself sound different (better/the victim/etc), it has shaken the foundation of our relationship. I honestly almost left because of that issue. I feel I can't trust him and it will take a lot to feel confident that he is telling me the truth now and I always wonder when I am going to find out about something else that he lied about. I've been embarrassed in front of a people before because I answered a question about my husband wrong and my husband contradicted me because he forgot that he had lied to me about that a few years ago. In that moment, I felt like I did not know him; like he was a stranger and that hurt more than I can describe. The foundation of a relationship is knowing each other and when you find out about lies and half truths, it really makes you not trust that person.

noparenthesis
12-31-2011, 01:13 AM
I too have been guilty of this. To a point I think it can be healthy- I find myself so worried that the person I'm in a relationship with is going to judge me, so I am not my "full self" so when I let out more of myself and the other person is still there, that can be a really cool and reassuring thing. But when it comes to acting destructively, it's definitely a problem.

iKiwi
12-31-2011, 08:17 AM
What Axi says really resonated with me -- the shock when you find out that someone you love is, in parts, a total stranger is absolutely unbearable.

I'm going to be blunt and say that I think that "testing the love" thing is unforgivable behaviour. It is controlling. More than that, it is dangerous for both of you and rather codependent. A healthy relationship has no element of control to it on either sides. Forcing that person into a role they did not choose. Healthy love has a firm partnership of mutual trust and respect. Maybe some relationships have their secrets or limits -- I'm always shocked and amazed when I see healthy marriages where both sides are comfortable with their other halves having secrets -- but, you know, manipulating someone else so they meet your emotional needs is fundamentally an abuse of their love and support. Maybe you feel like the victim, but the truth is you are modifying their natural response to you and thus victimising them.

sisserbell
12-31-2011, 09:11 AM
I agree midnight.

I never entered these relationships to manipulate or purposefully hurt someone. I think my sub conscience always believes I should become the perfect partner, friend, daughter. I do this by be, acting, sowing them whatever whenever they need it. In return, I test their love because I am doing so much for them, that i wanting in return. This is unrealistic because I a not giving my true self and expecting them to reach unreachable heights. I am not sure if this is making any sense at all.

I have learned the hard way that I hurt peoplemand I end up heart broken forever and living with regret. I also think this could be a result of my newly diagnosed cyclothomia disorder.

I really do love, loving and want it in return and have lost, what I believe to be the love of my lif, because of it.