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TennisLady
12-29-2011, 03:26 AM
Gosh I haven't been on these boards in ages.

I was doing so well recovery-wise and didn't even think about the ED. Just was focused on returning to my career and daughter.

I have had problems in the past with men triggering ED thoughts. I met a model and actor in person whom I've chatted with online for years, yet he was never interested in me romantically.

Well now he's interested, he knows my situation, and wants an ongoing type of relationship.

I was super excited at first, because I loved reading his blogs and think he's an amazing person underneath the good looks, so nice, kind and caring, and multidimensional.

But I know that he's dated celebrities and other models, and the ED comparison thinking is going crazy. The thoughts of "why would he be interested in me when he can have them"....even though he complimented how I looked and said he's tired of dating ditzes he meets in bars. I tell myself that I have other qualities that his exes don't have.

He hasn't said anything about that I need to look a certain way. I am making it all up in my head, and thinking that if he works out X times a day, then I need to as well, even though I don't want to, and I have done well with not overexercising for years. Yet the insecurities are creeping back.

How do I get myself to focus on him as person, not feel so intimidated and out of my league, and compare to his ex-girlfriends??? I don't want this to slippery slope me back into the ED, it's not worth it. And what's worse is that he had a family tragedy, so he's out of touch and I feel even more isolated and frustrated.

Thanks for listening fishies xoxo

bellydancer
12-29-2011, 09:08 AM
Hi TLady,

When you say he knows your situation, do you mean your ED, or your situation with your husband?

You've been down similar roads before. Do you truly think this situation is any different than the others--hanging out with celebrities or athletes, feeling like you don't measure up, etc. If you are already having this insecurity, why are you wanting to continue?

TennisLady
12-29-2011, 09:18 AM
Hi bellydancer,

Thank you, it's great to see your name again.

He knows the situation of my husband, and my ED.

I thought I would be able to handle this better now after working so hard in therapy, and having a lot more self esteem. I haven't really thought about size and looks that much, being so preoccupied with my job. My manager even mentions how well I do with eating regular snacks and meals and how I'm a role model for her.

I just need to get over feeling like I don't measure up and think of my good qualities.

nc
12-29-2011, 09:19 AM
OH TennisLady, this post sounds like you have gone back two years, it makes me really sad. Once again you are focused on your looks, his looks and anxious when not in constant contact.

I hope before jumping into yet another relationship you decided to move out and file for divorce as nothing good can come from dating another man when you are married to, live with and share a bed with your current husband. And if this guy knows all of this and is okay with it, then that tells you a lot about his character and hopefully you can see it says nothing good.

As hard as it is to believe you will never find a man who truly respects you while in the situation you are as no respectable man would date a woman under such conditions.

bellydancer
12-29-2011, 10:11 AM
I agree with NC, that I think until you get out of your situation with your husband, you won't be able to find a relationship where you feel secure.

It's also disturbing that you're feeling this way about the guy not being in contact when a) He has a family emergency and b) You haven't even really started dating yet (based on what I'm reading here, you're not really in a relationship yet, right? He's just expressed an interest).

I think you need to pull yourself back, waaaay back here, because all of these signs are not good. Pull yourself back before this goes any further.

TennisLady
12-29-2011, 11:37 AM
Thanks bellydancer and nc,

After six months of no dating or being on dating sites, I returned in August.

My reaction has been different, I've been extremely picky and only wanting people who are really in shape, bodybuilders and top athletes, since I had gotten myself in better shape over the summer. My T says I radiate with confidence and assertiveness, and is proud of how I'm handling difficult people in my life like bosses and family members who pressure me to do things I don't want to do, and how I stand up to them. She's noticed my weight loss and monitored it. She says I'm like a completely different person than I was when I first started coming to her. But is my confidence because I'm closer to my goal size again??? Is it a false confidence? I am being more assertive with people, but also feel better about my body vs. before.

Yet I rejected one guy after a date because he's overweight, and I feel terrible about it. He fell hard for me and still sends non stop texts, and I can't tell him it's because I'm not attracted to him, but I was attracted to the pics he posted. So now I'm rejecting people because of their size, just as I was rejected by guys when I became overweight in recovery. I feel horrid :(((((

nc and bellydancer - yes although it's not fair to my daughter to put her through a divorce and shuffle her back and forth between parents, just so I could have a secure relationship. I had a married man from my gym take me out and proposition me for a relationship. I normally just went after younger guys who didn't care, yet he said he's in the same situation where wife refuses to have sex, and he doesn't want to hurt his children.

I feel like the new guy is better than the married man (whom I haven't done anything with vs. have a drink), because the one thing I refused with the guys I've had sex with is guys who have gfs or married.

bellydancer -- The new guy, he and I started having sexual contact (not full sex but almost) so it has turned into somewhat of a relationship (sexual one), but I fear that he'll reject me because of my living situation, or size, or whatever. I'm so paranoid that he didn't like the how I felt, won't want to see me again, etc.

And of course I should understand that he had a death in the family and can't see me. To me it's so selfish that I'm paranoid about not having constant contact when he had a death of a close one, I'm very disappointed at myself :(, but have not contacted him in three days since it happened other than to send a note that he and his family were in my prayers.

nc
12-29-2011, 11:46 AM
I really do not know what to say as this is a replay of all your old posts. Nothing has changed, same posts, different guy.

So you will only date guys who meet a certain physical criteria but then worry if you measure up.

You don't want to hurt your daughter by divorce but are raising her in an extremely disfunctional setting and are teaching her that your relationship with your husband is normal, so likely she will end up in the same kind of dysfunctional relationship.

What are you going to do if you meet someone you want to marry and who wants to marry you? Will you then divorce? If so, then you need to be honest that this is not about your daughter but about you and what you get from this horribly disfunctional situation.

And you remain with a T who fully condones, and based on what you have said in the past, encourages these very unhealthy behaviors.

TennisLady
12-29-2011, 11:53 AM
Yes it is dysfunctional to live in a sexless marriage, and I worry that my daughter will see me being promiscuous and think it's normal. She is getting older now and can pick up on things, and I cannot hide as much as I did when she was younger.

So six months of no dating and off dating sites didn't help??? I even went to Al-Anon and OA meetings during that time.

Yet of course I recognize the same obsessive behavior, which is why I see red flags. I haven't had it since I was in that last dysfunctional relationship for a year with a guy (who came to me suicidal a few months ago but still refused to see me).

It's just horrible that I'm even contemplating getting with a married man to satisfy my sexual needs so I can still be in this type of dysfunction......but my daughter has told me that she doesn't want us to split up.

bellydancer
12-29-2011, 12:07 PM
I confess, I'm also at a loss.

If you are going to select and reject people based primarily on their physique, then you will always have that insecurity no matter what relationship you get into.

If being off of those sites for six months didn't do it, then try at least a year. Or try never.

I can understand that divorce is not ideal, and it's not easy, but millions of people do it and make the best of it. As important as your daughter is, she should not have the authority to make decisions about your marriage. What also concerns me is not that your marriage is sexless, but that your marriage is loveless. There's a huge difference there. I find it interesting though that you pick out the fact that your marriage is sexless as the main problem.

askinfaith
12-29-2011, 12:11 PM
All children, if asked, would probably say the same. They're children; it is hard for them to envisage anything other than what they know. But IMHO, FAR more damage can be done by subjecting them to the kind of situation you describe. It is way better to be single than in a bad or dysfunctional relationship. I don't know the background to your situation but for your own and your daughter's sakes, don't be afraid of being alone until the right person comes along. I wish you well.

TennisLady
12-29-2011, 12:11 PM
And nc, yes if I met someone I fell in love with, then I'd consider divorcing.

I just have solely made it about the physical.

The new guy is the type that one could fall in love with and want a relationship with, at least from what I know from his blogs and talking in person, but I do not know him well enough. And he very well could say that he thought about my situation and don't want to get involved because of his religion. This guy is much closer to my age too, not like the twenty two year olds (and I just turned forty :(

bellydancer - yes I went off of the hookup sites and then returned. but I guess much hasn't changed since I'm looking solely for the physical. If I was divorced, I wouldn't be chasing after immature younger guys for hookups, I would look for more substance. The only thing good is that I'm done with that horribly dysfunctional relationship with that guy that I wrote about on here for a year. For me anything to move on from him, is better........

When the married guy took me out for a drink and then asked for dinner next time without anything in return, it felt nice to be taken out on an actual "date" vs. booty call. But he's in the same messed up situation....and I can only see hurt with that, feeling guilty for his wife and falling in love with him, with no chance of being with him. So I haven't proceeded with anything with him.

bellydancer
12-29-2011, 12:15 PM
So was this an actual dating site, or was this a hook-up site? Because those are different places and attract different people. Going back to those hook up sites after six months would be like an alcoholic drinking a martini after six months of abstinence and being surprised that it's still alcoholic. The people there aren't going to change. You have to be the one who changes. I'm not trying to be flip, but I'm puzzled as to why you would put yourself in this position after six months of work and be surprised when you're still getting the same thing.

nc
12-29-2011, 12:33 PM
If I am understanding you don't want a relationship with this guy, just a hook-up?

And you don't know him very well other than reading his blogs and some conversations yet you have already gotten sexual with him.

Tennislady, nothing you write speaks of someone who radiates confidence or has good self-esteem. You are still treating yourself as someone who deserves less, less than a loving marriage, less than a committed relationship, less than anything other than a hook-up.

The truth is this guy could have a dozen blog fans, just like you, who he strings along.

It concerns me that you might be blinded by what you feel is this guys celebrity status. You have written in the past about your desire to be included in this loop of people and I wonder if you have not yet again sold yourself short to be part of a life you aspire to instead of the life you have.

At this point you may not be using your ED but you have fallen right back into your addiction with dating sites, sex, etc. You have not yet seemed to learn how to have self worth without it being attached to a man expressing interest in you.

dermaline
12-29-2011, 12:51 PM
Oh boy. :(

It all just saddens me. It really makes me wonder when you will truly face the reality and make changes in your life.

The next stage is when you get hurt when he doesnt have you in his life as a legitimate relationship. Then you will be demanding he contact you all the time and feel rejected. And then wonder why it has all fallen apart when you are still sleeping in the same bed as your h and cannot even go for six months without going in line where human beings are lined up like cattle or objects.
You will then blame it all on your body.

You are working in a healthier environment and yet still choose to expose yourself to this terrible superficial world whos "principles" you perpetuate by treating others as objects.

To me this is one of the saddest statements of all:
I've been extremely picky and only wanting people who are really in shape, bodybuilders and top athletes, since I had gotten myself in better shape over the summer

And lastly I have to say that your t greatly concerns me. True self esteem comes from within and she seems to do nothing to hold you accountable to that or encourage what would really help and discourage what is really very disordered.

TennisLady
12-29-2011, 01:47 PM
Thanks dermaline, it's nice to see your name on here again.

This is why I returned here, I knew the fishies would kick my a** and that I was falling into bad patterns again. I had been talking with a guy I met on the bodybuilding site in another state, yet he's also a love addict, is all about rating people x number out of ten, and just checked himself in a mental hospital after a girl rejected him. So he hasn't been the best person to talk to about my problems.

Yeah I started bodybuilding a year ago after I broke my foot, it's funny that my name is TennisLady and I don't even play anymore! So I'm muscular now.....a different ED. Isn't it call bigorexia or something? I know I need to eat a lot and often so I keep my muscles and fuel my brain, but the mirror at the gym is obsessive.

Yes, lots to think about ugh, when you tumble you tumble hard......and I really hate this ED and am tired of it constantly cycling back in my life.

bellydancer - I'm on an older woman, younger man dating site, but the younger guys mostly want sex. Some want a relationship, and I did see a guy that wanted a relationship and was also close to my age, but I had no chemistry with him. It was purely physical for me and I didn't get attached. Then he informed me that he met a Maxim model and was choosing her over me, which hurt but I didn't really care for him as a person so it wasn't devastating as the previous guy was. See, we're all hurting each other for whoever is hotter, it's just a sick pattern.

nc - this celebrity I would like a relationship with, not just a hookup. I just think he's so far out of my league for that. I had flirted with him for years and he didn't notice until he also joined the site (he's younger but just by a couple of years), then he saw me in a new light and drove ******** minutes to meet me in person.

bellydancer
12-29-2011, 02:43 PM
If you think that someone is out of your league for a relationship (i.e., they wouldn't want a relationship with you), then they don't deserve to hook up with you.

cats
12-29-2011, 05:19 PM
your whole post is so sad. you seem to be in the same place you were before. Looks and being in shape are so superficial. I think what you are doing by living with your husband and looking for hookups with other men is so wrong. I think exposing your daughter to a body builder mom and letting her see all that you are doing and wanting, is so terrible. You are your daughter's role model. Who she will pattern her life, her beliefs and values on.

When nc and bellydancer point out about how unhealthy you are in looking at websites or wanting a hook up and viewing people by their looks, you just respond with a thanks and then proceed to tell us in specifics about other men or other sites you have been to or drop hints about the celebrities you know or in contact with. Why? Are you trying to impress us? It is not working for me.

I just turned forty-five a few days and my daughter is eight (I remember a while ago that our daughters were of similar age). Although my marriage needs some work and my sex life is far from great, my biggest job along with being a teacher, right now is being a mom and a good role model for my daughter. I have decided what I want to teach her and what values I want her to have. (being kind, strong, independent, healthy, smart, compassionate accepting and thankful). I may not always know how to get her there or believe everything I want for her myself yet, but I know my actions thoughts and beliefs are being watched and evaluated and parroted back.

This may sound very naive, but why is looking good and athletic and sex and being with a man so important to you? It seems so wrong that you are trying to have a boyfriend while you are still married and living with your husband. I know a while ago you menitoned why this needed to happen, but maybe getting divorced or working on your marriage might be a good idea.

Please don't feel like you need to respond to my post, especially if it involves listing more exploites with men. It does not impress me and just makes me feel so sad for you that you value yourself so little that this is your main pursuit. I hope you can get some real help with your addiction and can be a great role model for your daughter.

rafferty
12-29-2011, 08:17 PM
yes I went off of the hookup sites and then returned

What made you return? What made you feel that things would be different? Being on a hook up site means you are looking for short term casual encounters - which given your history - invites all kinds of complications with feeling rejected, abandoned and not good enough.

Every response you give to the challenges you are offered here really suggests that if only you could find the right man everything would be OK.

Is there no sense at all that men actually have NOTHING to do with the issues you are facing? The fact that your life is about finding men to fill some kind of need is the problem here. What is so lacking in your life that you constantly seek out validation from men? At one point you seemed to think that going back to work in a great job would be the solution - but that's not been the answer either. Do perhaps that suggests that you need to work on yourself - rather than constantly looking outside of yourself for the solution.

btw.... wasn't part of the idea of getting a job about being able to provide for you daughter - and give a stable base for her when you divorced your husband? What's happening there?

:love

Cypress
12-29-2011, 08:50 PM
I can't believe it! My time machine worked! :zoinks

OK, sorry, that wasn't helpful. You want some helpful advice? Here it is:

GET A DIVORCE!

Kensington
12-29-2011, 09:58 PM
Three months ago you started a thread and posted this:
<HR>
I no longer feel that the ED affects me or even comes to mind anymore.

Body image is great.

Self confidence has increased dramatically.

Black & white thinking is gone.

I just no longer feel that my life is ruled by the ED. I have no desire to engage in behaviors and am very happy with how I look and feel!

Perhaps working full time has helped, as I was very depressed when I was looking for work.

I haven't been on here for a few months because I haven't even thought of the ED really. It no longer is a part of my identity.

I just wanted to share that there is a light at the end of the tunnel! I still have work to do, but things are looking upward.
<HR>

Can you tell us if you really did feel that way in September and, if so, what happened? Do you think it's entirely your activity and expectations of the dating websites?

dermaline
12-29-2011, 10:02 PM
I have to say that regardless of whether it has purely sloped down after going back to your old ways or not I was a bit suspicious of how deep that good place was. There was something about the weight loss and muscle stuff that sent a little red flag up for me. ???

TennisLady
12-29-2011, 10:19 PM
cats - why is it all so important to me? good, looking, sex and being with a man? I went six months about it but kept obsessing about my ex and thinking about him, and raging that he was on dating sites. Finally I wanted to move on from him. then I wanted to throw it in his face that I could attract better looking men. I know, immature and dumb.

rafferty - I returned because I was going crazy thinking of my ex for six months. All of the OA and Al Anon meetings helped, but I still constantly focused on him and I wanted to move on. I have a job, yet I took a huge pay cut and it's not enough to support myself. If it was better paying, I might look at getting a divorce. I don't want to ask for alimony and now I'd have to in order to pay for an apartment.

Kensington - I did feel that way in September, and I was just getting back to dating sites then. Body image and thoughts really started to tank when I met the model, as it was an Italian model who originally had me slide into AN. I thought I had to be rail thin for him to be interested in me, and he confirmed that was the case. Then he called me f*t and terrorized me with names and said how he would never be with someone f*t like me in bed ever again. So thus meeting a model, the same thoughts began to return, that he would have crazy expectations and call me names (even though it isn't logically true, just the same anxieties returned)

I didn't feel the anxieties on the dating sites with other guys. If anything I felt that they didn't measure up to my standards, not that I didn't measure up to theirs. That was different than I felt in the past, where guys were mean and made comments about my weight, and I felt that I needed a lot of external validation from them. Now I don't care if I get one email or fifty. In fact I find the whole thing annoying at times and am not really interested in meeting other people now.

dermaline - I did write that after losing a substantial amount of weight. I wouldn't lie to say that my self esteem went up after my weight was lost. On the relationship help board of the bodybuilding site, the guys on there said I would attract "more quality men" if I lost weight and to just focus on that. I argued that they don't understand my ED history. So then of course when I started attracting more of their "quality men", they said "see look at you go! you're getting all of these hot guys".

How sad that I have to lose XX lbs and lift weights more than most guys to get a "quality guy"!!!

I haven't binged/purged in a year.....haven't restricted to the point of being hungry.....but I have change the macros of what I eat and pay attention to more veggies. I was on the high end of overweight before, now I'm at the low end (although I'm muscular so a lot of that weight is muscle I'm sure).

But yeah these obsessive thoughts that recently surfaced in the past week brought me back here.....I don't feel nearly as good as I did in September. I feel obsessed and that I have some expectation to be on this guy's arm at parties and events looking a certain way, and it's not a good feeling. He mentioned his upcoming b'day party to me, which made me think about that. Or maybe he wants to keep me on the down low, idk.

rafferty
12-29-2011, 10:23 PM
when I started attracting more of their "quality men", they said "see look at you go! you're getting all of these hot guys"

So.... "quality" = hot?

do you really believe that? Do you really put your trust in a bunch of guys that hang around body building sites and obsessed with their own bodies to make decisions about YOUR life?

:love

TennisLady
12-29-2011, 10:27 PM
Hi rafferty,

I don't really believe it.

For a physical relationship, yes physical qualities are important.

If I was divorced I wouldn't just want a hot guy to want to jump. I would want a relationship of more substance with more of a partner, not a boy toy. I'm sure most on the older women/younger men sites are married women.

The bodybuilders don't even think much of the model because he's thin, but I'm overlooking his body shape because I like him as a person, we have a lot in common and he's easy to talk to, and I find his face very attractive. But yeah in their world, a guy being thin is a bad thing.

But yeah instead of dating sites I got addicted to the bodybuilding site. I didn't get much attention at all other than negative attention, being called momwithfat and getting banned multiple times for losing my temper at the guys, but there were a couple of guys I became friends with and chat on Yahoo. Although they're even more dysfunctional and have major mental disorders, so they're not the best people to talk to. But like those with EDs, they understand my obsessions.

dermaline
12-29-2011, 10:34 PM
I think you are so deeply drowning in this stuff that you can't even see how much is problematic in your life.

Your whole way of judging the world. All the quality guy stuff. All the judging and objectifying of yourself.
Your idea of "happiness" or success is diminished to this so called concept of "quality guys" and muscle and bodies. That's a v small world to live in.

So really if we look at this:
You have never stopped the men obsessions.
You just obsessed about ex for six months in which time you immersed yourself in a world extremely harmful for both your ed and your love addiction. :zoinks
Your idea of being ed recovered was to obsess about muscle etc.

I dont see you ever getting better until you stay completely away from relationships for at least a year.
Divorce or commit to your h.
Stop mixing with extremely unhealthy and superficial people. (rather than mixing with those that make you feel ok being obsessive be around those that are healthy!!)

I shouldn't say this but I seriously think you need a new t.

Mooter-mouth over and out.

TennisLady
12-29-2011, 10:42 PM
New year and new year resolutions to return to the love addiction group and twelve step meetings.

This sucks for me to be that obsessed with the model's fb and twitter. I feel like I can't even concentrate on anything anymore.

Also can't talk about girls with these other guys, that gets me sucked back in the obsessive world.

And go off the older woman site.

fml stopping binging and purging was so much easier.

bellydancer
12-29-2011, 10:43 PM
Basically, I say what dermaline said.

And a few other observations.

You talk about having to lose weight, etc., to get a quality guy, that this is what you have to do. Why do you have to get a guy at all? Why is this your focus when you're dealing with a dysfunctional marital situation, and ED recovery?

Also, Is the issue that you can't support yourself if you get divorced, or that you can't support yourself in the lifestyle that you prefer?

And why do you continue to let the opinions of people who are very clearly absorbed with unhealthy obsessions influence you so strongly?

rafferty
12-29-2011, 10:45 PM
Although they're even more dysfunctional and have major mental disorders, so they're not the best people to talk to. But like those with EDs, they understand my obsessions.

Yet you continue to listen to them and take their advice? Why?

It's difficult understand the world you live in. It's so far removed from anything I know or have experienced.

I don't think you realise just how removed from the reality of the ordinary day to day this life is that you are living. You've been immersed in this virtual world - a world of online sites, creepy guys, dysfunctional relationships and celebrity/model idolisation - for so long that it seems normal.

I agree with dermaline - I have to wonder what your T is up to. It makes me wonder if she too has been immersed in this world at some point - or if she still is.

I don't like speculating like that - but any T worth their salt would have challenged all of this a long long time ago.

:love

dermaline
12-29-2011, 10:50 PM
TL,

I cant understand as I havn't been there but I will say to you that I watched the tele series of sex/love rehab recently. And the leader did say that it was one of the hardest addictions of all to beat. And I felt v sad for people putting themselves through that pain.

BUT YOU ARE NEVER GOING TO GET OVER IT UNTIL YOU MAKE IT A PRIORITY!!!

And you need a t who will challenge and support you rather than let you accept a life that is not good enough for you.
Get extra help if you need it. Do what you need to do!

You deserve better and you can do better.

Have you ever looked into seeing someone that specialises in love addiction? It seems the residual ed stuff is all entwined with it anyway.

chelseaa
12-29-2011, 11:07 PM
I don't come on these boards much anymore, but for some reason I was reading through this post and I really felt the need to offer a different perspective.

All of the responses to TennisLady seem extremely judgmental and biased to reflect the value systems of the individuals writing the responses. It would be one thing if TennisLady was writing about obviously unhealthy eating disorder behaviors, but the things she's talking about fall more under the category of "lifestyle choices." Whether people think that her choices are right or wrong, I think that the point is not to bash the way that she lives but rather to help her make her OWN decisions.

I'm just thinking about what I would do if a friend confided that she was cheating on a boyfriend or husband. I might not be able to fully mask my opinion, but mainly I would try to offer an impartial ear to help her talk through why she's acting that way, and the pros and cons of her actions.

This is just my take, but I think it's important when giving advice (especially about things that are not directly health-related eating disorder issues), to be impartial rather than judgmental. Everybody lives by a different moral code. While some people might hold marriage and monogamous romantic relationships to the highest regard, others don't see it that way. I'm just wondering why everybody is being so quick to judge in this particular situation!

TennisLady
12-29-2011, 11:16 PM
dermaline - yes I watched a show on sex/love addiction as well. I think I went to Al-Anon and OA and didn't really address those issues. My T is a former love addict herself. I don't get like this with every guy at all. It's black and white, I'm either annoyed or irritated with the guy, or crazily in love and fantasize about him nonstop. But yeah it's always led to ED behaviors to get that "dream guy".

chelseaa - yea my T was annoyed when I told her that people would make judgments on here about being married and sleeping with someone else, even though husband and I haven't had sex in over six years. she didn't understand it at all at first and got after me for cheating, until I explained the whole situation. She says that it's a challenging situation and not easy, and just offers support for that. She also pushed me to get away from the one dysfunctional guy.

rafferty
12-29-2011, 11:27 PM
I don't think people are being morally judgemental - what we are commenting on is a continuation of long term patterns of choices that have lead to a great deal of unhappiness and stuckness.

What someone does with regards to marriage and partners is their choice. But if the situation is driven by low self esteem, a longing to have some need fulfilled by men and sex, and an unhealthy obsession with celebrity, appearance, body shape and weight - then it becomes not about the fact of who someone sleeps with - but the other issues around it. And speaking for myself - I have no moral objection to anything that TennisLady does or wants to do - I just worry about the effect her choices are making on her wellbeing - that's all I've ever been concerned about when posting. Nothing to do with moral codes at all. And even if I did have moral objections - putting voice to that would be damaging and hurtful - and NOT at all useful to the issues at hand.

:love

dermaline
12-29-2011, 11:31 PM
Agreed entirely. I am extremely open minded in fact. If people want to have orgies then that's fine with me too. But not when it is self destructive.

TennisLady
12-30-2011, 01:24 AM
I'm not trying to sleep around or do anything promiscuous......if I had it my way, I would be happily married and having sex with husband as that's the best for our child.

It just happened that I lost attraction for him, got wrapped up in the ED and messed things up with him that are pretty much beyond repair according to our Ts.

So for now we're just living civilly, I think he dates too as one of the other moms at the school is constantly texting him.

But is that an ideal situation? HELL NO! It sucks. I just can't see myself changing it for some reason, feel trapped.

askinfaith
12-30-2011, 01:44 AM
Looks are temporary. Personality remains.

catsIlove
12-30-2011, 01:45 AM
wow this is the most sad thing I have read on here in a very long time. I honestly saw the title of the post and the name and thought those damn spammers bringing up old posts again. I don't mean this to sound rude but do you think that you were emotionally stunted by your eating disorder because to buy the stuff you do and to live in this world of celebrity idolization seems almost like you are sixteen. I don't think you truly get the impact of your actions on your daughter either because you seem stuck in that me me me stage. Honestly too a condom can break and you could catch something like AIDS and leave your daughter with no mother. It seems like a fantansy world you are living in and honestly I can't believe some of the guys are not lying to you. Like it seems that some of them are telling you stories about their pasts that may not be true.

TennisLady
12-30-2011, 01:50 AM
Yes I agree, I have met many guys who are attractive but jerks and the nicest guys who don't have the looks.

If I was divorced and looking for a relationship, I would be looking for just more than looks.

But since I'm looking for someone to satisfy my sexual needs, then I go for looks and also his bedroom skills. Because I've had attractive lovers who were terrible in bed.

Yet neither equals a loving and lasting relationship. I usually get attached, he runs, and then I get depressed.

TennisLady
12-30-2011, 01:59 AM
He hasn't text me and I feel so anxious and horrible, like my world is falling apart.

I was also reckless sexually and let guys have sex with me without condoms, had to use the morning after pill, etc. I'm getting tested for STDs now. I don't know what I'm doing. Thankfully most of the tests have come back OK.

bellydancer
12-30-2011, 08:04 AM
I don't come on these boards much anymore, but for some reason I was reading through this post and I really felt the need to offer a different perspective.

All of the responses to TennisLady seem extremely judgmental and biased to reflect the value systems of the individuals writing the responses. It would be one thing if TennisLady was writing about obviously unhealthy eating disorder behaviors, but the things she's talking about fall more under the category of "lifestyle choices." Whether people think that her choices are right or wrong, I think that the point is not to bash the way that she lives but rather to help her make her OWN decisions.

I'm just thinking about what I would do if a friend confided that she was cheating on a boyfriend or husband. I might not be able to fully mask my opinion, but mainly I would try to offer an impartial ear to help her talk through why she's acting that way, and the pros and cons of her actions.

This is just my take, but I think it's important when giving advice (especially about things that are not directly health-related eating disorder issues), to be impartial rather than judgmental. Everybody lives by a different moral code. While some people might hold marriage and monogamous romantic relationships to the highest regard, others don't see it that way. I'm just wondering why everybody is being so quick to judge in this particular situation!

Chelseaa,

I can only speak for myself, but my circle of acquaintances includes people who are monogamous and married, monogamous and unmarried, confirmed life-long singles, people in long-term open relationships, people in short-term open relationships, polyamorous triads and everything in between. Whatever works for you, do it.

My reaction, and I suspect that of many others to TLady, is that her history of behaviors have shown themselves to be self-destructive and reckless. She herself knows this and has sought treatment for it. This is not the same thing as sexual freedom or diversity of relationships. I am offering challenges and questions, and yes, I am frustrated and disappointed to read this has taken place after she's done so much work in the matter, but I really want the best for her and I want her to want the best for herself.

TennisLady
12-30-2011, 08:34 AM
Yes a monogamous and married relationship is what I would prefer. I am a Christian so that creates another internal battle of guilt and self-hatred for choosing this lifestyle.

When I was hooking up with a different guy every week and moved out and lived on my own, I felt terribly guilty and told my minister that who was a licensed therapist. His response was "sounds like you're having fun". That just made me feel worse, and then I stopped that behavior and just focused on getting a long term boyfriend.

But I also fear that my sex addiction would get worse if I was on my own and alone half of the time. At least now it's tougher to get out and meet someone without going to great lengths to hide it, so I'm home ********% of the time. On my own, I could easily self destruct and want a relationship but just go the easy route and let guys come over when I feel sad or lonely.

I am in a much, much better place now living at home than when I was on my own, partying till the wee hours of the morning, engaging in ED behaviors, having guys take advantage of my money, and then minister said I was "having fun".

But yes my behavior has been reckless these past few months, and I didn't tell my T about the unprotected sex and morning after pill because I was embarrassed, as she's gotten after me for risky behavior.

I also wonder if I'm getting enough glucose to the brain, as I want to lose weight :( I'm trying a new meal plan that is pretty restrictive.

nc
12-30-2011, 09:22 AM
Here is the problem as I see it, no relationship will work for you until you do extensive work on your addictions and obsessions. I really think if you got a divorce, met someone and remarried into a fairy tale situation it would just be a matter of time before you were back on these sites seeking validation and attention from other men and you would be right back to where you are today.

I also think you need to prepare yourself for the possibility that if your husband gets serious with a woman that he will be looking for the freedom to move on. Then what will you do? Are you saving money so that you can move on?

It is obvious that your marriage is beyond repair and I am sure your husband had a role in this but you can't discount the role your multiple affairs have played. And I know you feel it is flattering to have younger guys hit on you but what you have never seemed to understand is that it does not make you special. I am forty-nine and still have guys younger than my sons hit on me. I laugh, shake my head and tell them I could be there mother. It does nothing for my sense of self- worth as there is always the random guy out there willing to take what is willingly given. This is where you seem to get stuck, your self-worth seems to be fueled by this kind of attention and because of that you crave it and seek.

Your responses show you either still don't get it or don't believe it. You are so deep in this you can't see how obviously damaging it is to you.

dermaline
12-30-2011, 09:56 AM
TL,


But I also fear that my sex addiction would get worse if I was on my own and alone half of the time. At least now it's tougher to get out and meet someone without going to great lengths to hide it, so I'm home ********% of the time. On my own, I could easily self destruct and want a relationship but just go the easy route and let guys come over when I feel sad or lonely.


This is like an alcoholic saying that they need to have two bottles of vodka a day so that they dont risk going out on an all out binge.

You are and will contuinue to go through the same thing in a never ending miserable cycle until you actually deal with the underlying stuff without depending on ed men or anything else.

What is it going to take to do something about this?

I stand by my opinion of your t. For whatever reason - maybe over identification - she is enabling you.

Kensington
12-30-2011, 10:01 AM
I agree with so much of what has been written here in terms of thoughts and advice, in particular how everything old is new again. In other words, what's really changed?

You are repeating patterns becuz you feel there is a payoff to them. You can continue to self-destruct on these sites in what you feel is the "safer" way by staying in a loveless, sexless, volatile marriage. You can continue to self-destruct in what you feel is the "safer" way for your child, becuz you tell yourself that any kind of marriage is better than a divorce.

Ok, yep, yes. You can indeed continue to do all that. You can risk your physical health and unwanted pregnancies. You can live like this for another twenty years, provided your husband doesn't kick you out.

The question is do you really want to change any of it? You don't sound like you do.

Honestly, the only one impressed with your ability to get masturbatory attention from men with certain body types is you. Even if you've met some of these men in person, I can guarantee you that a huge percentage of the ones on the sites that you just talk/text/email (sexually or non-sexually) with are using fake pictures.

This whole world is an illusion. :wand

I'm going to ask you to get real here, TL. Do you really care if you change or not? Becuz we can go around and around here or even bump up some of your old posts, which will basically have the same advice. But does it matter? Are you really, truly invested in hardcore change that is not going to feel good at first? Are you really, truly interested in walking away from a lot of habits that are destroying your life and harming your daughter?

TennisLady
12-30-2011, 06:58 PM
I don't really care how many messages I get and if they're from younger guys. I've been preferring the ones in their thirties lately.

I've been faithful to the guys I've been with since I split up with husband six years ago, they're the ones who aren't faithful to me. So I don't think I'd have a problem with it nor need it. It was hard to go off the sites the first few weeks, then I didn't need it and wanted to work on myself before putting myself out there. But after six months I wanted to have sex again.

It helps to write all of this out, I feel much better now and clear headed vs. anxious in terms of next steps. Thank you.

Cypress
12-30-2011, 08:03 PM
It's like talking to a wall. All she cares about is her desire for sex and financial support. Nothing else matters. Hopeless.

nc
12-30-2011, 08:23 PM
It helps to write all of this out, I feel much better now and clear headed vs. anxious in terms of next steps.

I am not sure what this means. Can you tell us what you are thinking more clear headed about and what your next step is?

Cypress, while I can understand your frustration I think you have to be careful not to cross a line. There is a difference between being challenging, even offering tough challenges and venting your frustration about the person in the way you did.

If you are feeling frustrated by this exchange the best idea is to just step away before feelings get hurt.

axi
12-30-2011, 09:02 PM
I had a similar marriage with my husband. I messaged you about it awhile ago. It is really hurtful to have the person who should love and support you most reject you. I can understand that, but until you either leave or repair your marriage, you are going to continue to go around in these circles and keep getting hurt. I won't say that every man who is looking for an affair is a bad person, but the men who are going to have an affair with you are never going to give you what you seek. You want love and acceptance, but you are settling for sex with men who will not emotionally invest in you because you are still married. You need to either leave or both you and your husband have to decide to fix your marriage and one hundred percent seek that. I also get that it's freaking hard to make that leap. I was scared to death of how would I be competent enough to care for my son alone, but to stagnate only wastes your precious time on this earth.

Find the confidence in yourself to demand a full life and relationship.

Cypress
12-30-2011, 09:07 PM
Cypress, while I can understand your frustration I think you have to be careful not to cross a line. There is a difference between being challenging, even offering tough challenges and venting your frustration about the person in the way you did.

If you are feeling frustrated by this exchange the best idea is to just step away before feelings get hurt.


It doesn't matter, she's got me on ignore. She doesn't see my posts. I'm done anyway, she might as well have everyone on ignore. Sometimes I think TennisLady isn't even a real person, sounds like a troll. XXXXX

sunshinepoppy
12-30-2011, 09:17 PM
to stagnate only wastes your precious time on this earth.

This is so true.

nc
12-30-2011, 09:31 PM
Cypress, it does not matter if she has you on ignore, all the more reason for you not the posting on this thread. I am going to ask you to stop posting comments since you are well aware Tennislady does not want you to be a part of her threads. You have been a member long enough to know these types of comments are inappropriate.

Kensington
12-30-2011, 09:50 PM
Cypress, when someone has you on ignore, you are not supposed to reply to their posts. I understand being frustrated but you need to stop replying to TL's posts.

TL, I'm going to repost my questions:

Do you really care if you change or not? Becuz we can go around and around here or even bump up some of your old posts, which will basically have the same advice. But does it matter? Are you really, truly invested in hardcore change that is not going to feel good at first? Are you really, truly interested in walking away from a lot of habits that are destroying your life and harming your daughter?

I'll add this: if you end up with VD or AIDS or pregnant, will you tell yourself (and your family, if it's AIDS or pregnancy) that it was worth the risk becuz you just really needed to have sex? You make it sound like it's oxygen.

dermaline
12-30-2011, 10:03 PM
I agree with what axi said.

This is one of the fundamental problems here. You are not able to just mess around and not be hurt. If you were samanatha from s & the city then all would be well bar the fact that you probably had emotional issues with true intimacy.
But you are not samantha.

The other fundamental problem here is that although everyone deserves closeness and love a HUGE amount of the motivation behind this pull of yours is about proving that you are attractive enough or worthwhile enough etc, Your physique their physique and hundred other such things dominate every consideration. And this keeps you from fully recovering form your ed.

So just to make sure I am perfectly clear with this I am going to say my reactions have nothing to do with you being married or being involved while you are married.

*It is to do with you repeatedly putting yourself in situations that will always lead to certain type of dymamic and conclusion and then wondering why you are there and being devastated. Then repeating it again and again again.
* It is about your issues with obsession and feelings of desperation when you are in a relationship and the inability to leeve them if they break up with you. And a lot of this about self esteem issues not the relationship.
*It is to do with you feeling so unable to do without sexual contact (or obsessive romantic contact of some type) with another human being that you repeatedly put yourself in dangerous and potentially life threatening situations or potentially emotionally devastating situations to get what you *need*.
*It is to do with the fact that you have still not addressed what seems to underpin all your previous ed and other problems - your need to find value in yourself through other people and objectifying yourself. And that it seems that your t is not pushing you to address this.

If axi was going around on hookup sites and year after year after year repeatedly getting into situations where she expected the people she met on there to love and cherish her besides the fact that she had to hide their existence from her husband then I would be pushing her just as much. And in between this hooking up with random men on occasion to "show the other person how attractive they are" and without even using proper protection at times.
(Sorry Axi ;-) )

I also think that what makes everyone so frustrated for you is that it is hard to see it changing.
Why?
Because your t seems to encourage you to find worth in things outside of yourself.
Becasue you continually mix with unhealthy people who are bad for your self esteem and ed and make you feel ok to remain unwell as you feel right at home.
Because you dont seem to be doing anything to actively develop your self esteem outside of what is on the outside or what "calabre" men you can attract.

TennisLady
12-30-2011, 10:26 PM
Thanks, I put users on ignore if they make comments that are not constructive. And some people have placed me on ignore on other boards. I don't have a problem with it. Like real life, sometimes people have conflicts.

Kensington - yes I care if I change. I thought I had made changes in my **** months of sobriety, but I guess I didn't. I just stopped turning to the ED to cope with my problems. Thankfully I'm STD free, but if I have to tell my family, of course I'd say it wasn't worth it because of the risks. I always end up in these things half-a**ed. Even OA and Al-Anon I did half-a**ed.

nc - My next steps are to get back in SLAA and get a sponsor this time. For some reason I keep freaking out at the prospect of a sponsor, so I go to meetings and participate a little, but never go through the whole process.

axi - Thank you xoxo....yes I remember you messaging me about it! How have you been with all of that?

dermaline - yes I understand, even if I was single and engaging in this behavior, it would be destructive. I thought I was doing well when I had a roster of guys and I was not emotionally involved, but then there always comes along one that I want a relationship, can't have it, and then focus on my body as a way to "keep him" interested.....thus the ED sinks back in.

I'm just so scared of losing my daughter, even only seeing her half the time is an awful thought. But then husband wouldn't control as much as he does now. I only hope we get joint custody.

Kensington
12-30-2011, 10:42 PM
Even if you don't have full custody of your daughter, she will likely benefit from not being part of a hostile household with two parents who are not in love or happy. I speak from experience, having been that daughter. Divorce is not fun, but an unhappy marriage with parents at war is worse. It's part of why I developed my own ed.

If you want to have as much custody as possible, I hope you truly get - and are willing to act on - the fact that your husband can use your activities against you. Having a "roster of men" and acting wrecklessly with them will be challenged by any divorce attorney and/or judge. You may feel you've kept it under wraps, but in a world with GPS, spy cams and the internet, people can be caught doing all sorts of things.

While I don't often tell a member this, I do hope you will consider branching out and seeing if a different t. is going to be a better fit for you. If your current t. doesn't push you, you can tell her you want her to get tougher with you, but you also have to be willing to do what she asks. A new t. might bring perspective that will greatly benefit you, help you prepare for a divorce, and hold you accountable for yourself.

nc
12-30-2011, 10:51 PM
Tennislady,

Honestly, I think you are at much greater risk of losing your daughter if you continue in the manner you are.

Not only does your interactions with random men on line scare me for you but it scares me for your daughter. It is a false sense of safety if you think there is no way any of these men could track you down. With the Internet the way it is these days there is no absolute safety and while you or I may not know the ways a person can be traced there are enough people out there who do.

I have no doubt that a day will come when either you or your husband will decide that this situation is not working anymore and one of you will want more. God forbid your Internet activities should ever come to light in court and spyware being what it is today every thing you have ever posted on those sites could easily be in you husband's hands.

I don't think you are a bad person and I have no issues with a person sleeping around if all parties involved are okay with the situation, but as has been written this is more than that. This is self-destructive behavior for you that spirals out of control very quickly. It keeps you stuck in a very unhealthy mindset and puts you and those you love in the path of possible danger.

axi
12-31-2011, 12:06 AM
Actually, I gave my husband an ultimatum a few months ago. He got a job offer across the country and I told him that I could not go with him since our marriage was so bad. He agreed to go to marital counseling with me and has been giving a tremendous effort to it, but I had to be prepared for the possibility that he wanted to end the marriage as well. It was honestly one of the scariest things I have done, but I knew that I had the support of my t and some friends. Most of it would fall on my shoulders, but I knew where to seek resources. Staying in my marriage was hurting me. My t said that every day I stayed in my broken marriage, I was showing myself that I wasn't worth more than this. I was eroding my self-esteem and she was right.

Why do the men you see have to be very physically attractive? Are you using it as a source of self-esteem and punishment at the same time? It seems like having someone that you find 'hot' boosts you momentarily and then makes you feel bad about your own looks.

TennisLady
12-31-2011, 12:56 AM
Good but sad points nc and Kensington. My parents tell me that it's best to stick together for the sake of our daughter, and know about my behavior with the other guys, but I didn't think of it from that standpoint of hurting future custody or her or myself. Yet my parents stuck together through cheating and so forth for my sake.

axi that is a good point about the men who are physically attractive. It's like a source of self esteem and punishment because I'll feel good about it at first, but then horrible that they're judging my body in bed and won't stick around because I'm not thin. So it's almost like any additional time they want to have sex boosts my self esteem more, and if they just one night stand I feel like crap. But then even if they do it more and more, I still panic until the next meeting is set up, and in between its a horrible feeling of self loathing and wondering why they would want me sexually.

I didn't feel that way at all when I was married and before all of the affairs and so forth. I didn't feel the comparison and self loathing of my body that I do now. It's a horrible feeling.

Thank you for sharing your situation, I hope it works out the best for you and I'm glad you have the support of your T. hugs.

dermaline
12-31-2011, 02:00 AM
I know that one of the main points you have been concerned about re your daughter is that you wont see her as much and then you will lonely. And that the same fear comes with you getting a divorce.

But I do think you need to look at the longterm picture here.

If we go back to Samantha from s in the c then the story wouldn't be quite the same if Samantha was hiding her hookups and still going home to sleep in the same bed as her h and she had a daughter. The possible repercussions are much wider.
We could have concerns about samanthas behaviour regardless as it puts her in many dangerous situations and she never acheives true intimacy but it is planet away from the situation you are dealing with. Both emotionally and practically.

Personally I would be sad if your parents really thought that divorce was worse than this for both you and your daughter.

I am not saying you should get a divorce. Just that the present dynamic and the way it is being managed is very unhealthy for all concerned. And plain dangerous too.

This is a side issue to what I said in my last post but important too.

TennisLady
12-31-2011, 02:15 AM
Hi dermaline,

That's interesting that you bring Samantha up, because many times I have identified with her character.

I read somewhere that her character was based upon a woman in real life, and that woman died of AIDS. That frightens me horribly. So her behavior killed her.

And yes it's stressful for me to cover my tracks, hide everything, sneak around, and now that daughter is getting older she can read texts, messages, etc., so the worst if if she saw some of the texts that guys send to me.

Or like nc said, if they know where I live and track down after her. I have also hurt some guys too like the one guy I referred to that I rejected based on his size, and Lord knows what he would do to get back at me because he's pretty angry with me and sends me texts that he feels like I slapped him in the face, calls me a shallow bitch, etc. I think he's very unstable and scary.

axi
12-31-2011, 02:17 AM
How did your parents staying together through cheating and marital issues effect you as a child?

TennisLady
12-31-2011, 02:25 AM
Hi axi,

It was tough because my father had a lot of girlfriends, many of whom were underage when he coached them. It eventually cost him his job and he lashed out his anger on me, verbally abusing me after that happened. One gal in particular kept stalking him for ten years after we even moved far away, and I would always try to erase her messages and hide her presence from my mom. I even broke our answering machine once trying to erase her messages.

I caught my father trying to call her from a pay phone once. He told me that if I told my mother that he was calling this woman, he would beat me horribly.

He also said that if I didn't marry my husband, whom I had reservations about marrying and wanted to postpone the wedding, he would beat me up. Thus I went along and got married, although feeling like it wasn't right.

Now he's having an emotional affair with a woman he went to high school with. She comes out to visit him and it upsets my mom, and every time I call him he goes on and on obsessively about this woman, to the point where I've worked with my T to tell him "please stop talking about this woman" every time he brings her up, and he still won't listen. So I've been calling him less.

But yeah maybe it's like father like daughter. Wow I haven't even thought about that stuff in years or the connection, thanks axi for asking the question. I really appreciate it! You should be a T!

dermaline
12-31-2011, 02:34 AM
That is extraordinarily interesting and sad. Axi should be a t. Maybe she is one secretly.

You certainly dont want to role model this to your daughter and that your parents think they have a right to advice you on relationships is truly ironic.

How old were you when your father was involved with under age girls?

TennisLady
12-31-2011, 02:43 AM
Hi dermaline,

That all started when I was around the age of nine, my father was a high school coach.

Then he got pulled into a huge long trial because the girls said he gave them marijuana. We lived in a small town and it was all over the papers. I remember the police arresting him, taking him to jail for a few days, and searching our house. I was eight. Then we moved far away after he got off with a hung jury. But he became angry and abusive after that, couldn't find a job so he was home with me all of the time while my mom went off, worked full time and supported our family.

So when I became a high school coach of boys a few years ago (not much younger than a lot of the guys I date, although I am happy to say I've never gone under eighteen).....I broke out in severe anxiety for weeks, thinking that I would do the same as Dad as a coach and ruin my life. Thankfully I didn't, well with that job. But underage or not, the guys are usually significantly younger than me, averaging ages twenty to twenty four. Lately I've pushed myself to go for guys in their thirties.

TennisLady
12-31-2011, 02:50 AM
I just took my profile off the older woman/younger men site

nc
12-31-2011, 09:32 AM
Do you see how much your behavior mirrors your fathers?

My guess your father became angry and lashing out because he could no longer feed his addiction and he did not seek help when he clearly needed it.

I also find it interesting that you share your behavior with your parents. Most adults do not share their sexual activities and/or affairs with their parents. There seems to be a major break down of boundaries in that area. Just as it is a huge boundary issue for your father to share his emotional affair with you. But my guess is he has done it because the two of you are kindred spirits, he feels he can talk to you without judgement because you "understand" his need to be with people other than your mother.

How do you think it effects your mother knowing that you are following the same path as your father?

I also wonder if this does not make you feel strong and powerful in your marriage. Instead of being like you mother, the one you has accepted being treated so disrespectfully by your father you have chosen to be like your father, the one in power, the one able to harm before being harmed.

I also think seeing this behavior since you were a young child has normalized it for you. I don't think you really get why so many are shocked by it because for you that is what marriage is, being unhappy, allowing yourself to be treated badly, cheating, etc. You are living you parents marriage which is your norm.

Also, what do you think of the woman that your father is having the emotional affair with? Can you see the guys you are with are no different than this woman?

I guess what really concerns me about all of this is the fact that this has all been explored with you in the past. You have shared about your father's cheating, you following the path of your father has been pointed out, the danger your activities place your daughter in and how it could effect custody has been discussed but you seem to have forgotten all those posts and it is like this is the first time you are hearing it.

As well, I wonder why your therapist has not deeply explored your parents marriage, your father's behavior and your repeating of the cycle.

It would also be interesting to know if either of your parents came from homes where one of the parents cheated repeatedly and the other one accepted it. How many generations does this dysfunctional cycle go back? You can choose to break this cycle so that your daughter does not repeat it as an adult, either being the one cheated on and feeling she must accept it or being the one who needs to have another person provide her with her self-worth.

bellydancer
12-31-2011, 10:26 AM
TLady,

I'm sorry that you had to endure that sort of trauma, and that you were coerced into marrying your husband.

I agree with NC. If you learned this behavior from your parents, what do you expect that you're teaching your daughter to learn from you by continuing this?

askinfaith
12-31-2011, 10:34 AM
Sometimes people resent or resist giving their own children a stable and secure upbringing if they did not receive it themselves. I wonder if it is difficult for you to break the cycle because it would entail giving your daughter something which you never had?

axi
12-31-2011, 03:21 PM
No, I am not a T, even secretly. :sarcasm I did think about it, but I am not sure I could keep the boundaries. I want to give people hugs. I think I am a tad too empathetic to do it professionally, but thank you both for the compliment. :-)

Clearly your parents staying together through all of this and their behavior had a huge effect on you. You were put in the role of protecting your parents and keeping their secrets, which no child should have to do. I know that you are trying to keep the affairs from your daughter, but if you met someone that was obsessed with you, your daughter could experience the same things you did. How does it make you feel to envision your daughter in the situations you were in growing up? Do you think your upbringing could have been more calm if your parents had divorced and while your dad would most likely have been still seeing younger girls, you wouldn't have had to keep the secrets and been placed in so many bad situations. It can be hard to overcome the societal message of an intact home, but it has been proven wrong so many times. All children want their parents together, but they also want to stay up until three am on school nights and eat cheeseburgers and candy for meal. It's our job as parents to figure out what is truly best for them.

TennisLady
01-01-2012, 11:57 AM
nc - Yes it upsets my mother that my behavior mirrors my father's. She often refers to how I inherited his "wild side" and it bothers her because she can't understand why I don't just be celibate and focus on our daughter. As far as asking like this is the first time, I haven't really thought about my past, the ED or anything other than my new full time job, daughter, meal plan, working out and when I can squeeze in meeting men, which was about once a week . I haven't seen my T much as I reduced the number of sessions because I found the ED wasn't in my thoughts at all, and I wasn't honest. I will look around and see if there are any love addiction Ts that are closer to me. I have to make quite a drive to see my current T as she's one of the few ED specialists covered by my insurance.....yet we rarely even talk about the ED. Although she did mention she noticed my weight loss and wanted to make sure I wasn't engaging in behaviors to get that. Yet of course I had to change things as one doesn't lose a large amount of weight by accident. I had to totally overhaul my diet, in a much different way than I ever did before though, a healthier way I think.

I haven't been honest with my T about my risky behavior of not using protection and morning after pill, as I knew she wouldn't like it. She has expressed many times that she's worried I will get an STD. So for the new year I need to be honest with her.

bellydancer - that's a tough one, another family member went through similar affairs and expressed that she wanted to break the cycle to her children and wanted me to do the same by going to marriage counseling and working on our marriage so that we don't continue. She and her husband turned their house into a sober house, whereas mine still drinks and I have love addiction and the ED.....and now husband is after our daughter about her weight which I keep jumping all over him about because I don't want her getting the ED at all costs. I guess the theme our family has is to keep the kids with both parents at all costs, not thinking that if the parents aren't having sex, then one or both is looking outside the marriage.

I'm sure it is confusing to our daughter that her dad is possibly dating her friend's mom. And then me, I try to hide the guys but my phone gets texts from them twenty four seven, and then I have to lie about where I'm going when I do go and meet them. You're right, terrible example in order to "keep the family together".

askinfaith - I do want to give my daughter a secure and stable upbringing. I have friends who are divorced and I can't say that the shuffling of kids back and forth, dealing with new spouses and constant court battles is a more stable upbringing than what I have. Of course I think my friends are worst case examples as of course I tend to be attracted to other love and sex addicts as well as those with EDs for friendships, yet I also look at them and say why do I want to bring that into our lives. There is a lack of healthy people all around me.

I thought returning to the corporate world would help, but honestly my manager and my manager's manager are on extreme diets, and so is the lady who sits next to me. It's hard to have any small talk that isn't centered around diet with them.....although in general, my mood is a million times better to be around people than isolated on home and on the computer for social interaction.

Everyone comments how much happier, confident and level headed I seem lately.?????

axi - good point about meeting someone obsessed with me. i am having that problem with the one guy I rejected, as he is obsessed with me.

I should also say that the guys I become obsessed with, it's more than looks. I met one in October who was extremely good looking but a total jerk, checking his Facebook in between sessions and just generally selfish and full of himself. It was a total turnoff and I was happy I didn't hear from him again. The last two guys I've been terribly obsessed with are the ones who are like big teddy bears but super kind and nice.......yet have the avoidant love addict personality (they run from any intimacy, from the love addiction books I've read) whereas I'm the more codependent love addict who wants to take care of them when they're sick, bring them gifts, give them massages and will do anything for them as if they break up with me, it feels like a mortal wound.

It's not everyone who falls into this category. Most guys I couldn't care less if they ever contacted me again.

You're right about children wanting to eat candy for a meal!

By the way thank you everyone for reading and responding to this, I am not panicking or obsessing about this new guy nearly as much as I did a few days ago. I think about him but not in that panicky way of how I will measure up to his previous gfs.

He texted that he needs more time to deal with the death in his family, and I told him he can have all of the time in the world and have left him alone. It's a great feeling to not obsess as much and be free of those thoughts.

dermaline
01-01-2012, 03:16 PM
Looking for a love addiction t sounds like a good idea to me. I dont think its that important if they specialise in ed's at this point for you.

You can always start by giving them a run down on what you want to acheive there and how it interacts with the love addiction.

It may be worthwhile examining why you are only interested in men that are not emotionally available or able to have a full relationship and have issues themselves.

Divorce may not be ideal but I think there are plenty of unhealthier dynamics that one can model.

TennisLady
01-01-2012, 03:39 PM
Thanks dermaline. You're right, divorce isn't ideal and dealing with second marriages, blended families can bring up a whole set of other issues. The ideal situation would be for me and my spouse to reconcile. I just don't think that will happen with years of hurt that I've inflicted upon him.

Although love addiction does bring up ED thoughts, so the ED hasn't gone away altogether.

Here's an issue I'm dealing with today. This one guy I hooked up with in October but have told him no since then, keeps texting me and saying how I basically slapped him in the face by only having sex with him once, that I "owe" him to do it again.

I don't want to do it at all! In fact I'm told him that I need to be celibate now, but he keeps twisting it around that I would be better off just having sex with him because he's not a jerk like these other guys, and he sent me penis pics which really upset me.

Do I just ignore him? He said that ignoring him would hurt him worse than if I just talk to him. UGH!

I feel terrible because I was one night standed by many guys over a year ago, and I blamed it on my size. He's doing the same. He keep sending me nude pics and saying "see my progress, you should want my body now". It's like me a year ago and he's upsetting me so much today!!!!! I feel bad because here I am doing to him what guys did to me, but I'm not going to compromise my own feelings and have sex with him just to make him feel better.

I used my therapist digestible sandwich technique to start off with a compliment, assertively ask him to stop asking me for sex if he wants to stay my friend, and then end with something nice. He didn't reply.

bellydancer
01-01-2012, 04:58 PM
Ignore the people who are sending you nude pics. Block them from your accounts. Peoplel who do this are doing it because they need attention. This has nothing to do with you or your attractiveness at all. This is about them fulfilling a bizarre need.

Friends don't try to harass another friend into having sex with them. I don't see a need to be polite in this situation. It sounds like all of you involved have sexual issues and the whole train just needs to stop.

nc
01-01-2012, 06:00 PM
Why do you want a guy who you say has been stalking you, harassing you, trying to badger you for sex as a friend? There is a pay-off to keeping this guy on the fringe of your life, there is something you get out of feeling like this guy wants to have sex with you so badly. If you got nothing from it you would not be allowing any kind to contact, text or otherwise.

As far as asking like this is the first time, I haven't really thought about my past, the ED or anything other than my new full time job, daughter, meal plan, working out and when I can squeeze in meeting men, which was about once a week .

I am not sure I understand. Are you saying after the posts and responses where you explored how your parent's relationship effected you, how your father's cheating effected you, the safety of your daughter in regard to these sites, etc., are things you just forgot exploring a couple of years ago or that you simply chose not to work on those issues in therapy and in real time?

I am still a bit confused when you wrote, "But yeah maybe it's like father like daughter. Wow I haven't even thought about that stuff in years or the connection, thanks axi for asking the question." because it has not been "years" you have written about it numerous times on this site and gotten some great support and insight from other members about your repeating this pattern.

I wonder if just ignoring or "forgetting" such things is a pattern for you because it makes it easier to continue as you are instead of really looking at the far reaching effects of the choices you are making.

Have you and your T ever done intensive work around your past and how you are repeating the pattern and creating the same childhood for your daughter that you had? And by intensive I mean you spend weeks, months, years really exploring how it effected you and why you are choosing to repeat the cycle.

I guess the theme our family has is to keep the kids with both parents at all costs, not thinking that if the parents aren't having sex, then one or both is looking outside the marriage.

Okay, first of all, no. Not all married couples who don't have sex for whatever reason go looking for sex elsewhere. Many people in sexless relationships have found other things in the relationship to value. I don't think you even begin to see how distorted you are in your thoughts around sex, the thought of being in a meaningful and loving relationship that does not involve sex seems beyond your comprehension.

As well, really think of the comment, "keep the kids with both parents at all cost." The sad thing is the person paying the price for this is the child. The "cost" is the childs emotional well being.

I know many divorced parents who share custody who are able to act like mature, emotionally healthy adults and not fight over the kids, attend school functions together, don't spend all their time in court or fighting with the ex, etc.

The world you live in and the people you describe that you associate with sound so shallow and empty. They sound like people who are unable to see beyond themselves to think of others feelings, wants or needs. If you ever got the courage to step outside this world you might be shocked to find that most people do not operate in this manner.

TennisLady
01-01-2012, 07:21 PM
Thanks bellydancer, I will just ignore his texts. There's a part of me that thinks I need to reply to everyone and respond because it's "nice" but then I end up hurting myself. I am not attracted to this man, nor do I want to have any type of sexual interaction with him. It's not even flattering that he is bugging me. I just wish he would go away.

nc yes my T has a client who lives in a sexless marriage but doesn't go outside looking for sex. My T and I have not explored my background in therapy much. She's one of the first Ts I've had who doesn't explore one's past, but talks about what challenges we have in today's life and how for me, I can be more assertive, use my voice, and more confident.

So when I spoke about my mother in law about my T, they said she's great because those who just focus on the past stay depressed and never move past their issues, because the past is in the past and one cannot change it. Of course I feel more comfortable, because previous Ts would have me talk about the police searching our house and how the kids teased me on the school playground, and then I'd try to go back to work but be an anxious mess. Obviously this method is more comfortable for me.

Yes I have looked to my divorced friends to see if the grass is greener, and their grass is pretty brown. Even my female friends say that us staying together for our daughter's sake is the best, after looking at the custody battles and wars that they go through. Even some have amicable relationships, yet end up dating deadbeat guys with no jobs, fight with the ex-husband's spouse, and have general drama.

My one friend is even worse, as her ex-husband is the one dragging her to court every few months, and his father molested his sisters so there is a constant battle over grandfather visitation with the granddaughters. That's all she can talk about when we get together, and it's been that way for years. Obviously she is not going to say divorce is better, under those circumstances.

In my case, husband wants full custody and would fight me tooth and nail for it. Yet it would be nice to have partial custody, as now he takes over and I have to fight him for every ounce of our daughter's time. At least i'd get her alone, which is what I liked about not working before. Now I have to always share her with him since we both work nine to five jobs.

I think the last few months I just have chosen to put the ED and all this stuff from my Dad and my past behind me, and figured that I would be OK hooking up with younger guys after six months of celibacy. Obviously I wasn't ready for it!

nc
01-02-2012, 08:47 AM
This method may be more comfortable but is it the most effective? Have you made real changes in your behavior and thoughts?

The point of dealing with one's past is to see how it is directly effecting your choices and outlooks on life today and then actively working to change that pattern.

Do you see a problem with your thought patterns and behaviors, a problem big enough that you want to change? I ask this because despite what is thrown at you our response is always to defend and justify the choices you continue to make.

If you are living the life you want and what makes you happy then good for you, although I think your daughter will have a long road in front of her to overcome the scars of what was presented to her as a normal life. But if you are not happy the only way to move beyond that is change.

amska
01-02-2012, 11:59 AM
Yes I have looked to my divorced friends to see if the grass is greener, and their grass is pretty brown. Even my female friends say that us staying together for our daughter's sake is the best, after looking at the custody battles and wars that they go through. Even some have amicable relationships, yet end up dating deadbeat guys with no jobs, fight with the ex-husband's spouse, and have general drama.

My husband was married before we met, with two children, currently ages four and seven. Yes, getting divorced was probably the most difficult experience of his life. But it also opened the door to him finding someone with whom he could create a happy, functional home. If he hadn't gotten divorced, he wouldn't have met me and gotten married to me; he wouldn't now have a wife who is completely in love with him, and who adores his two children. He wouldn't now have another little boy on the way! Sure, it's not always easy, and it's certainly not happily ever after. The kids miss their mom when they are with us, and they miss us when they are with their mom. Sometimes they say they wish we could all live together, and we have to explain to them why we can't. But it is a whole lot better than the alternative of my husband and his ex-wife staying together.

I'm not saying that this is necessarily the typical outcome, but just trying to provide some perspective that it is possible to move on from a dysfunctional marriage. I really don't understand why you stay in your marriage. You say it's about doing what's best for your daughter, but you also admit at the same time that neither you nor your husband are doing what's best for her. The fact that your husband is dating your daughter's friend's mom must be horribly confusing to your daughter. The fact that your daughter has seen texts you have received from men must also be horribly confusing and disturbing to her. If you really, honestly believe that staying married is what's best for your daughter, then commit to doing what's best for her -- STOP going on these hook-up sites, STOP putting your health and safety at risk by meeting up with strangers and having unprotected sex, STOP providing fuel for your ED behaviors by surrounding yourself with celebrities and bodybuilders, and START working on trying to create an appropriate home environment for your daughter. I'm sorry to sound so harsh, but this is insanity! The Einstein quote comes to mind: Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results! Why do you keep expecting different results?????

TennisLady, I really believe you have the strength and courage to do this. It's a New Year, why don't you take the first steps in making a happier life for you and your daughter?

TennisLady
01-02-2012, 02:58 PM
nc - I'm in a bad place now, just started crying nonstop in my spin class and came home and started crying. I fear something bad will happen like I'll end up sleeping alone in a car, this other mother will move in with her daughter and my daughter will refuse to live with me part time. I started thinking about how I need to get a new job since I took a sixty percent pay cut for this one and it cannot support me on my own, find a new place, and just felt overwhelmed and broke down crying.

Maybe if I give husband an ultimatum he'll choose counseling. His brother's wife gave him two choices - divorce or counseling, and he chose counseling like axi's husband, and things are much better between them, and their families are together. idk, I feel so hopeless now.

that guy obsessed with me threatened to rape me last night because I wouldn't have sex with him, so now I fear my daughter's safety. This can't go on like this. If my parents complain that I'm hurting my daughter with my decision, then I'll tell them this and ask if they want their daughter to die of an STD instead.

amska - thank you so much for sharing your story. I don't see any normal behavior at my daughter's school or with my friends who are divorced. All I see is the divorced kids breaking down in class crying, parents fighting custody battles and just non stop drama. It

This is a new year and new beginning for me. First stop is SLAA meeting and getting a sponsor. I went to Al-Anon and OA meetings last year, which didn't really help much other than going on the OA meal plan to lose weight. I've shared on here that I went to those meetings years ago, and was mortified to walk into a room of all men who were addicted to porn, so I quickly left.

But we all suffer the same, so maybe if I stayed and shared my story I could find a good sponsor to help me when a T isn't available, when I'm feeling desperately alone and want a guy to come over and make me feel special.

Boy I feel like hell today.

askinfaith
01-02-2012, 03:19 PM
If you don't want drama, don't create it. Cut contact with all the bad influences. Remove complications from your life.

Also, threats of assualt need to be taken seriously and reported to the Police.

Finally, I can't see how finding a sponsor among the group of men you mention could EVER be a good idea. Sounds like the perfect recipe for yet more drama and 'relationship' complexities. Find a female T who won't collude with your addiction.

amska
01-02-2012, 03:39 PM
TL, I fear for both YOU and your daughter. What steps are you taking to stay safe from this man? I'm really worried for you.

As far as SLAA, I can see your hesitation to go to a meeting with men who are addicted to porn. It doesn't seem like the right fit for you necessarily. Perhaps if you find a t who is a better fit for you and closer to your home, as others have suggested, you could rely on him/her to process these issues. If you feel the need for a group setting, I would recommend looking into DBT groups in your area. This seems like a more appropriate forum for you than any of the other forums that you have discussed, including OA, whose emphasis on meal plans and weight loss concerns me in your particular situation (though I know others here have benefited).

I can understand feeling really lonely. It's not a good feeling. Again, I would challenge you to separate from your husband and seek a healthy relationship, whether it is with a man or just with good friends. That all takes time, so keep reaching out here. Having a man come over to make you feel special will only make you feel worse in the end, and it might put your safety at risk. Exactly what I said in my last post -- complete insanity -- doing the same thing over and over and thinking you will get a different result. You will not. Hang in there.

amska
01-02-2012, 03:46 PM
Also, remember that there are people here who obviously care about you. While it's not in person, all these people have continuously responded to your posts and have provided really heartfelt and constructive responses. Some responses have been pretty blunt, but they have all been in the spirit of wanting what's best for you, and they have all been carefully crafted with much thought about your particular situation. So, I don't know if that helps, but clearly you ARE pretty special or no one here would have been responded. You are special because you are YOU. Why do you need a man to make you feel special? Take some comfort in the bowl. When you are feeling alone, think of all these fishies who have come to know you over the years and cared about you. This post, with two pages of responses in a matter of days is a testament to that.

TennisLady
01-02-2012, 03:54 PM
askinfaith - You're totally right about the drama kings and queens around me. I know many on here have told me to move from this crazy area. Not a bad idea. I told the guy harassing me that I'm checking in the hospital and to stop texting me.

Good point about porn guys not being a great fit. I will look around for a female T that specializes in love and sex addiction.

amska - I moved out five years ago from husband and I was a disaster. I rarely saw my daughter and the loneliness from that was horrid, as husband kept taking her over to his mother's house every night to keep her away from me. Binging and purging, hooking up with a different guy every week to the point where I hated it, then went looking for a boyfriend and ended up with a guy with a criminal past, who threatened to harm me and ensure I'd lose custody of my daughter for my mental illnesses. I didn't pay bills, didn't get much sleep, work performance went down the drain, etc.

So in retrospect what I have today is better than that. At least I see my daughter every day vs. once a week, stay home most of the time, cannot invite guys over, and focus on spending time with daughter, work and gym. Yet I had a lot of alone time with daughter when I wasn't working. After husband got after me to return to a full time job, now she spends weekends with him, and I have to constantly argue with him to get a bit of time with her alone. It's usually only when it's convenient for him - when he needs to go work out. Otherwise he takes her out on errands with him, and takes her out to lunch and dinner while I'm left home alone, like now.

At least if we had split custody, which my T sent me to an attorney to ensure that husband doesn't bully me out of partial custody, then I could have alone time with her.

Yet I know from experience that doesn't mean moving out will be like that again. I'm a different person now, I'm not engaging in ED behaviors and know that I can hang out with friends or do something else when I feel lonely. Hookup sex sucks and just makes me feel worse in the end, which is why I end up falling in love with some of my partners and romantising that we're in a real relationship.

Should I really call the police about this guy? He then said he was just talking about rough sex, but it was still frightening.

amska
01-02-2012, 04:00 PM
Should I really call the police about this guy? He then said he was just talking about rough sex, but it was still frightening.

Others might know more about this, but based on my limited knowledge there is probably not much you can do unless you take out an order of protection against him. However, it might be a good idea to go to your local police station and just tell them what's going on. Say this guy is scaring you, and ask to know what your rights are. Ask to speak to a victim's rights advocate.

Ok, so if you are not willing to move out right now, what are you willing to do?

Also, why is it assumed that your husband will get custody, and if you move out, why can't you take your daughter with you? You have rights in this situation; find a lawyer to help you understand your rights, even if it just means talking to someone at a legal aid clinic. Empower yourself with the truth; don't let your husband bully you.

TennisLady
01-02-2012, 04:01 PM
amska - you're right. I feel terrible that I left the bowl here several months ago, a safe place, and went to this bodybuilding relationship help forum where the guys on there called me f*t mom, harrassed me about making up that I had an ED, and I ended up permabanned from the moderators from that site five times for trolling and harrassing the guys back who harrassed me. Instead, I listened to them that I would find a better guy if I lost weight.

But honestly, two guys from that site wrote me and said they were concerned about the influence on my daughter. One bb player guy even challenged me last summer to not even think about dating, to take me daughter to one fun place each weekend during the summer.

I had the best time with her! It was fun to plan to take her somewhere fun each weekend, and she and I really bonded. That was so much better than meeting loser guys. I need to start doing that again, even though the weather is cold. I felt like it was a constant battle with husband to do that though, to take her away from him.

The bowl has been a special place to come. With over thirty five hundred posts, I know it has made me feel good to help others on here, and get help myself. There have been some over the years at the brink of suicide, and it's helped to know that even talking to someone could save them from that. I am eternally grateful to the bowl.

TennisLady
01-02-2012, 04:26 PM
amska - thank you so much for your kindness.

I am looking for places to move out to now. I will also put it on top priority to find a better paying job to support this extra expense of renting elsewhere. I took a pay cut in May after three years out of the corporate world, but now I've updated my experience enough to demand closer to where I was salary wise three years ago, or even a forty percent pay cut would be better than sixty percent at this point.

The amount of time it took to reply to a gazillion texts a day from guys will be substituted by getting a good job. Not to mention for my own sanity.

amska
01-02-2012, 07:38 PM
:yay

Keep us posted!

TennisLady
01-02-2012, 08:09 PM
amska - Congratulations to having a little boy on the way, and finding a loving relationship! That's something I can almost dream about :)

amska
01-02-2012, 09:09 PM
Aww thanks TL!

askinfaith
01-03-2012, 03:03 AM
hi again TL,

Please disregard my earlier comment about notifying the Police. I didn't have the full information and assumed from your first comment that he had specifically made a criminal threat against you and that there was a chance of him carrying it out. I am NOT necessarily saying do or don't notify, just that i don't wish to influence your choice.

I hope the new year brings you clarity on your situation.

TennisLady
01-03-2012, 11:10 AM
Hi askinfaith,

Oh thanks. I just figured I would ask him to stop contacting me first, without the police getting involved. I was upset and said hospital which means he'll probably contact me in a few days, and then I'll tell him to stop texting. If he continues, I will tell him I'll notify the police. That should nip it in the bud before I have to get them involved (our police have had major cutbacks).

painteddeserts
01-04-2012, 06:19 AM
That just made me feel worse, and then I stopped that behavior and just focused on getting a long term boyfriend.


Why would that turn your focus to getting a long-term boyfriend? The major issue I see here is that you are looking for a man to complete your life. If you are not happy with yourself and your life, there is no relationship and no man that can ever change that. Any relationship that happens while you are in this state will only temporarily mask things. It's only when you are leading a truly happy and fulfilling life that you can seek a partner to join you, not to complete you. What can you do for yourself and your well-being, first of all? That's where your focus needs to be. And that's how you will be a good role model for your daughter.

TennisLady
01-06-2012, 11:10 AM
Why would that turn your focus to getting a long-term boyfriend? The major issue I see here is that you are looking for a man to complete your life. If you are not happy with yourself and your life, there is no relationship and no man that can ever change that. Any relationship that happens while you are in this state will only temporarily mask things. It's only when you are leading a truly happy and fulfilling life that you can seek a partner to join you, not to complete you. What can you do for yourself and your well-being, first of all? That's where your focus needs to be. And that's how you will be a good role model for your daughter.

Well yes when I'm bored with job, marriage, whatever I look for thrills to get me through the day.

I find that I get bored easily.

And I feel it now with the lack of texts and attention I'm seeking. I just raged at some guy for rejecting and flaking on me and I feel terrible for doing that. I said "see I attract these other guys who are willing to drive to meet me while you flaked, what did I do wrong", and he replied "you don't seem to take rejection well". I haven't even talked to this guy in months, I don't know why I yelled at him.

It's like a primal stab in the heart when someone rejects me romantically, and then I use these other people as "see, if I can get XXX, then what the hell is wrong with you"

Ugh now to go to my job and not be totally bored today without the nonstop texts and emails from the hookup site, or following some new diet.

How does one just function normally without the highs and lows???

Kensington
01-06-2012, 12:10 PM
One learns that life is not either highs or lows all the time, nor would one want it to be a constant stream of either/or. Life is mostly made up of small moments.

You need to learn how to be comfortable with just yourself. There are many, many things you can do when you have down time that don't have to include seeking thrills from men. There's no need to find "thrills" to get you through the day. The point is to get you to where you are fulfilled enough with regular life that you don't need the constant stream of drama.

Have you started looking for a new t?

axi
01-06-2012, 01:09 PM
If you like communication, why not find female friends to text with? Ones that are not all gossippy, but warm, genuine women.

The attention from men can be addicting, but you can get by without it. You need people who care about you and are not just using you: likewise, you need people in your life that you genuinely care about and that you are not just using for the attention high.

nc
01-06-2012, 01:16 PM
Well yes when I'm bored with job, marriage, whatever I look for thrills to get me through the day.



Oh Tennislady, this sounds so much like a fifteen year old girl and not at all like a forty year old woman.

This is also why I think that until you work on and resolve your issues and can learn to be comfortable iwthin yourself no relationship will last. You will always get bored and begin to look for those thrills.

TennisLady
01-06-2012, 05:07 PM
nc &#****************; I&#****************;ve been a productive member of this board for over three years, and usually value your advice. Yet I find this comment to be insulting. Just because I&#****************;m used to getting constant texts and emails and feel bored when they go away, doesn&#****************;t mean that I&#****************;m like a fifteen year old girl. I have coached high school and by no means am I anything like those girls. I could hardly even communicate on the same level as they do. There&#****************;s a huge generation gap. I&#****************;m just saying it feels empty right now, just like life felt empty and boring when I stopped ED behaviors.

Again, normally you're spot on and your advice is full of wisdom. Yet I feel like I was called names and permabanned from the bodybuilding site, and pushed to get a divorce and a new T on this site, so I really have nowhere to turn to online for support. I know my online friend needs to get off of dating sites and I tell him that because he's obsessed with rating girls on them and asking me what he should write them. He won't listen to me yet I still provide support.

Kensington &#****************; yes I submitted an inquiry to my insurance company on a T who specializes in love addiction, we will see what they come back with.

Axi &#****************; Yes it has helped to return to the workforce, and I do have lunch with female co-workers regularly. The drawback is that many of them are on some diet and that tends to be the focus of their discussions, so I change the subject to talk about their family lives or travels. I also get together with other mothers regularly for playdates or birthday parties. However, of course it&#****************;s not the same high. Yet it also stressed me out and distracted me at work to have these nonstop texts, and I even told several of those guys that I was at work and to knock it off. No one is texting now though, so I feel the stillness&#****************;&#****************;..and it&#****************;s a crappy feeling yet I&#****************;m sure it will pass, as it did before.

dermaline
01-06-2012, 05:24 PM
Hi TL,

Yet I feel like I was called names and permabanned from the bodybuilding site, and pushed to get a divorce and a new T on this site, so I really have nowhere to turn to online for support.
I dont think that you were pushed to divorce your h at all. That it could look like that or look like you were pushed to get a new t but the reality is that the pattern of your behaviour is self destructive and that is what people have commented on. Not telling you what to do but pointing out options and problems.
I personally think its perfectly acceptable to have a celibate mariage if that is what works for someone or to reconcile with your h. Or even stay married and have a healthy relationship on the side if that floats your boat. Or to stay with your t and do the work you need to do.

This is about you and your recovery and that is what people are commenting on and concerned about. Your marital status or choice of t are beside the point.

It is your choice if you continue to live as you have been doing.
I am just a bit surprised at you saying that you have no online support any more because people have pointed out how you are hurting yourself

What does "no more support" look like for you? Is it when people point out possibilities of what is not working for you? .

Kensington
01-06-2012, 05:30 PM
Can you look at it from this point of view - you say you are bored with your job and your marriage, and what you've come up with as the only thing to fill your time and feel less bored is to use cyber date/hook-up sites and sexual contact with lots of men.

When I was fifteen, we'd come up with a lot of dangerous things to do to get a thrill. I look back on some of them and am incredibly grateful there weren't more serious outcomes.

Nora wasn't trying to insult you but rather to get across the same point so many of us are saying in relation to how you use something self-destructive to fill a void. There are many healthy options out there to fill your time. My take on it is that you will need to use a t. to help you start using them as you dig into your family history and current activities. That may mean white-knuckling it while you go without the texts, phone calls and hook-ups you're accustomed to using to fill that void. Are you willing to do that?

One other way to consider this: your daughter comes to you and says she is generally bored with school and her friends, so she is using the internet to meet boys. She's using sex as a weapon both against herself and others. You would know that this was wrong and you would likely find it shocking and scary, right? Yet you keep justifying it on some level when it's your behavior. I don't know what kind of support you want at this point. Do you want challenges or do you just want to vent and document what's happening with the latest guys but not really do anything about it?

TennisLady
01-06-2012, 05:45 PM
Hi dermaline,

Oh thank you.

For me personally, I don't want a celibate marriage. That may work for some people out there, but it's not for me.

I agree I was self destructing, which is why I made this thread. I feel much better and less obsessed now. I was in a cranky mood this morning and I feel better now.

I haven't even been honest with my T. Most of what I've written on here I haven't even told her. I haven't been honest at all, because I'm embarrassed about it. It's easy to write it on an anonymous board. It's another thing to admit to poor choices in person face to face.

I haven't even been honest with her about my diet. My first order of business is to be honest with her about the unprotected sex and how I've been dieting when I meet with her on Sunday.

Still off the dating site.......**** days and counting!

I just feel that pointing out possibilities means "either you must do this or else we won't talk to you". Maybe I'm just hypersensitive.

TennisLady
01-06-2012, 06:03 PM
Kensington,

Sorry, I posted right when you did.

Yes I'm willing to white knuckle without receiving the texts and emails. That's what I'm doing now, and it feels terrible yet I was able to do it for six months last year, so I'm certain I can do it again.

Of course if my daughter said she was bored with school, etc. I wouldn't want her to meet boys online!!! In fact, I want her to go to a girls only high school!

I'm trying to think back - I didn't have all of these texts last July, what did I do? Well I was able to focus more at work. I thought about my ex-fwb a lot (the one I wrote about a lot on here, whom I was faithful to for six months but he kept breaking it off with me), and honestly really didn't get over him until I started meeting new guys to distract me. Then he started contacting me, probably because he loved the attention.

Yet I know it's not a healthy relationship at all, so I made myself not a part of the drama. He said that he will always be alone and was suicidal in October, so I just told him to check himself in the emergency room if he was suicidal, and blessed and released him.

I am doing something about it, but venting that I feel lousy......just as I feel lousy when I stop ED behaviors.

dermaline
01-06-2012, 06:07 PM
I certainly think we have been tough with you. There is no doubt about that. But I think you need to look at why that has happened. That you continued to go through the same cycle again and again.

People are certainly not saying you need to do what they say or they wont talk to you. This is not about us and is about you. f you want to continue to do the same things in your life then it isnt going to impact any of us and is only going to impact you.

I will be honest and say that you have said certain things - rarely - that have made me wonder how much honesty there has been with your t.
That t wise this situational could be one of two things:
Either your t is encouraging or accepting you not working on what you need to and ok'ing self destructive behaviour.
Or. You are only reporting one aspect of what she says (unknowingly or knowingly spinning the truth) and not telling her the whole story.

Throughout I have been undecided which of these is true or if there may even be another option. . But since all you tend to report your t saying is glowing praise of what you are doing then the only place to comment is with concern about it.

But small comments like you saying your t is concerned of you getting std's give a different picture.

When you come on here and posts a thread what do you really hope for?

Ps. Just saw your answer to kensington. Maybe what is essentially happening now is that you are in withdrawal and having to deal with your real feelings. As tough as that is that is what true recovery is all about.

nc
01-06-2012, 06:14 PM
I was not trying to be insulting, TL. As is often talked about on this site certain things like trauma, EDs, substance abuse, etc. can stunt emotional growth and in this area, based on what you share, you have not progressed emotionally. You seem stuck in the mindset and reasoning skills of a teen.

I am not saying you are like this in all areas just around relationships and the attention you crave from the opposite sex. You can take in and consider this observation or reject it but all we have to go on is what you share and what you share when we make these types of observations.

TennisLady
01-06-2012, 06:34 PM
Hi dermaline,

Yes I have given my t only half-truths. She has told me numerous times that she's worried I will get HIV or any other STD, and I haven't been honest about the number of partners, nor the unprotected sex. She only hears a partial story about relationships.

Where she sees a lot of growth is in other areas that I don't share about on here. How I've been more assertive with people at work or family members, as I focus a lot on that with her because I'm such a people pleaser. Rehearsing, role playing what I say in certain situations. Yet it's easier to admit that a guy at work is bullying me, vs. that I had unprotected sex.

Im certain it is withdrawal what I'm experiencing, as I've been through this many times before, either stopping the ED, stopping the male attention, or both.

nc - thanks. I've had an ED almost all of my adult life, since age twenty-two. I'm sure that once I stop caring about guy attention, then I won't care about my size as much, since they are both interrelated. I still have a core belief that if I was leaner, I'd meet Mr. Right. I still rage when I see guys at the gym with pretty young gfs, and assume that recovery weight is just making me f*t and unattractive.

So what I did before, white knuckling and stopping the texts and behaviors, didn't really solve the problem as I then focused on losing weight, so I would attract better men (advice I received from the veterens of that Relationship board on the bb site).

I am sitting here in a state of malnutrition, unable to process complex questions coherently for my job. I'm definitely lacking in a certain food group, and haven't been honest about any of this. Ive been is jealous that others have followed this same food plan and lost weight, while I've just hit a plateau in terms of weight loss. Maybe I should post all of this on the AN board, as it's not bulimia but it's restricting.

So not only do I need to stop the bad behavior and replace it with healthy behaviors, but also fuel my body and mind the right away with the right food, instead of what some dumb book says.

Im admitting this on here, T doesn't know about this other than asked how I lost so much weight, and I said I've had it under control and done it slowly.

bellydancer
01-06-2012, 06:42 PM
TLady,

I don't see the comments you've received here as pushing you to get a divorce. My feeling in your situation is that sometihng's gotta give.

You can't stay married in an unfulfilling, unloving situation AND place so much of your self-esteem with these superficial hook ups AND engage in high-risk behaviors AND expect to find a happy, fulfilling relationshiop AND expect to feel like a person who is whole and fulfilled. Can you see what a self-perpetuating cycle this is? If you want something to change, then you have to make a decision somewhere. You can make that decision for yourself, but until you do, nothing is going to ever be different, unless it's just getting worse.

There's nothing else that we can tell you about this situation, and now we're back to the beginning again.

TennisLady
01-06-2012, 10:06 PM
bellydancer,

Agree one hundred %. Back to square one, posting on AN board now as this has taken a different twist.