View Full Version : bf doesnt know if he wants to stay with me

12-29-2011, 12:07 AM
Exactly what the title says...I'm pretty sad right now but at the same time trying to be strong. He says he needs to think about it. We've been broken up before but have been together for about a year and a half.

I love him dearly but we'd been fighting more lately...it's becoming increasingly clear how different we really are, how we deal with things, etc.

I have learned so much from him and am incredibly grateful for that...there have been some things that have come up that have made me question if I can deal with them or not.

Part of me thinks that maybe it's the right thing. I don't know. I do know I have a lot of things about myself that I need to work on in recovery, a lot of which have been brought up by our relationship. If I was to be single, i'd probably focus on working on that first and foremost.

This is hard. I'm with family right now which does help, but I guess self care is the next step.

12-29-2011, 12:40 AM
Not to put you down or get on your bad side, but it's definitely easier said then done. I was in a similar situation and thought "Yes this will be good for me" and in reality it was like quitting an addiction cold turkey. You don't realize until a person is gone from your life, how very few people you trust with your secrets.

I am not saying to stay with him or break up with him. My hope for you is that if you choose separate paths you end on good terms, for your health especially.

I am glad you are with family. I don't know how much you share with them, but it's good to open up to those who love you unconditionally because you know that they have seen you at your worst and best and they might, just might, have solid advice for you.

Take care fishy.

12-29-2011, 02:24 AM
Sisserbell, thank you. I know you've been through some crappy stuff in this regard.

He called his sister and talked to her, and her advice was to tell him "you need to decide whether you want to be right, or be happy." She's a smart woman. I knew I liked her for a reason.

Essentially, he apologized for hurting my feelings (which was a lot of what I wanted to do and a lot of the reason why I was mad at him/reconsidering things, esp. because its very hard for him to say sorry or admit that he's wrong. and he hadn't done that or backed down) We had a long talk about how we deal with things differently and how we fight- it went well, and cam up with some constructive things for next time this stuff comes up, because fighting happens and problems happen in relationships.

The reason he gave for questioning and reconsidering things was that during a really big fight we were having last week I considered breaking up with him (I didn't tell him this but he is very good at reading people; he's pretty clairvoyant actually so he knew) and he said that if I was questioning things that much he didn't want to be with me. which makes sense, but at the time that happened I was a. ANGRY as hell, b. Not wanting to stay if things were going to constantly be like this or we couldn't resolve our problems or the way we fight and he was going to continue not admitting his wrongs, and c. At that point it was easier to consider walking than to stay and work things out.

Anyway, we both still have our doubts but he said that he's not willing to walk away just yet. I am ok with this- I am willing to stay if it works and we are both communicating effectively and getting what we want. If it is not working, and it stays like that for a long period of time...then I don't want to stay, if that makes sense.

12-29-2011, 04:33 AM
This was a mature and healthy way of dealing with your relationship issues. I am actually proud of you. To step back and remove yourself from the situation before acting on instinct, is healthy progressive thinking. That's hard for me to come by.

You have to decide if you want to be right, or be happy, so simple yet so hard to come to that conclusion. I think I like his sister too :)

You stated you both have your doubts, well for good reason you should. The argument and rekindling is so new, that of course you would tread litely back into the relationship. Take it moment by moment. Your thought process seems to be right on key, let it stay there and you will end up HAPPY, whatever that shall be.

Good for you!

12-29-2011, 04:36 AM
Oh and thank you for knowing me, in a way. I never think anyone pays attention. I post to vent and to pray I am not the only one going through certain things. It's good to know fishes like you are out there.

12-29-2011, 01:04 PM
Thank you. Right now, I'm happy with the way things turned out; I feel like I'm not neglecting my own needs which is really, really big since I have a tendency to do that and "cave" to other people.

I think doubts in any relationship are normal to an extent, because relationships are a really big deal! Just because the doubts are there, though, doesn't mean he (or I) have to act on them rashly, though. The whole arguing and fighting thing is very new to me - he's really the only person that I argue with, so I'm not used to it and it does freak me out a little bit, but I also know that arguing is a healthy part of a relationship so long as it doesn't become all-consuming and happen all the time. I think the ability to argue constructively is a really productive skill so I'm ultimately happy with the way this went.

And, no problem. :) I know you've responded to some of my threads and I do remember you and your story; I know I wonder if anyone pays attention, too! Once I see people on here pretty regularly though it becomes much easier to remember who is who, plus a lot of us are dealing with similar things. It feels so good to know that I'm not alone in things.

12-30-2011, 02:14 PM
This post was very good for me to read today! I have been dating a guy for a couple months, and sometimes I have doubts. I know it is a new relationship compared to yours, but I don't want to act rashly on doubts that are irrational. We do not argue much, but I know we will argue in the future, and I will try remember this post and that arguing is a normal part of any relationship.

Thanks for sharing!

12-31-2011, 01:06 AM
Pourlikerain, I'm glad this thread helped you! I think doubts are normal, but when you let them consume you to the point of anxiety (like I have in the past) I think that can become problematic. Arguments ARE normal though; I know I have a tendency to avoid conflict at all costs and cave, but that only hurts me in the end.

12-31-2011, 01:07 AM
I'm frustrated right now because this is the third time in a few days that I've said "I love you" to my boyfriend and he hasn't said it back. Ugh.

I need to remind myself that no situation is made better by me controlling it. If this is going to work out, it's going to work out.

12-31-2011, 09:10 AM
He shouldn't have carte blanche to figure this out. His sister gave him advice based on what she feels...she likes you for him, but that can't influence his decision, either he wants to continue a relationship or he doesn't. And he can't have unlimited time to figure this out. Typically, people who go through this once (uncertainty) do through this again and again in the relationship unless the core issue is solved. Why isn't he sure?

Saying I love you doesn't mean he is happy and not saying I love you doesn't mean you are breaking up. You said that you notice how you deal with things differently and how different you are. What are his reasons for wanting a potential breakup? Breakups are hard but essential if you aren't with the right person.

12-31-2011, 12:59 PM
Right now he isn't sure because he feels like I'm also uncertain; when we were fighting I seriously considered breaking up with him because I was really, really angry at the time and that seemed like the easiest way out of the situation as opposed to staying and dealing, and if this way of relating to each other, fighting, hurting each other was going to be a staple of our relationship instead of figuring things out I didn't want to stay, if it isn't working. I didn't say these things; I was thinking them at the time, but he's clairvoyant and figured it out.

He did say he wasn't willing to walk away just yet, but things have been a little weird since. I guess that makes sense though since this has been the first "really big" fight of our relationship; I think both of us have found out a lot about the other this way.

You're right though, sflathinker, that saying "I love you" doesn't mean he's happy and not saying it doesn't mean we're breaking up. I can't predict or make him say...anything. And that's ok. He is him, and I am me. Maybe he's still thinking about things; I don't know. I've had my doubts too.

I'm going to talk about all of this in T next week and see what she thinks and get her perspective on things, and then see where I want to go from there.

12-31-2011, 07:11 PM
We broke up. I wasn't completely blindsided, but this hurts.
I have things to work on - so does he, but it is what it is.

01-01-2012, 06:33 AM
It does hurt and it will hurt.

I am sorry that things havent worked out as I know
how painful breakups can be. Regardless of the reasons
it will hurt I have found.

How can you grieve in healthy ways?

god bless.

01-01-2012, 10:22 AM
Maybe you have things to work on or maybe you are perfect the way you are and he wasn't right for you. Either way, breakups are painful and a time for you to take care of yourself. Reach out and ask for comfort from friends and loved ones.

01-01-2012, 11:59 AM
I am so sorry noparenthesis. Breakups are so hard and please cope with your grief with healthy behaviors.

It sounds like it is a learning experience if you both have items to work on.

01-01-2012, 03:57 PM
Thanks, all. It is definitely going to be a learning experience - that much I know for sure. I'm angry at him but I really can't fault him for speaking his own truth, you know?

He said that he has some growing up to do too- this I think is true.
He also said that I'd become more assertive and had stood up for myself more recently, but that it had gotten to a point where he felt bullied - not sure how to take that, but I will look into that.
And then he started emphasizing our differences (i.e. you are x, i am y) which personally I think will occur in any relationship, but if he couldn't deal with them he couldn't deal with them.
It is what it is. It sucks, but I'll move on eventually...I just need to grieve (appropriately and healthily) and not pretend that everything is fine and ok when it isn't. I think I'm still in denial stage.

It'll be interesting trying to grieve in healthy ways because I never have done that from a breakup. A lot of times I jump from one relationship to the next...almost like I can't stand being alone? Or that I find guys too fascinating to stay away from. Hence, I don't really want to date anyone for a long time, not till I've healed and have had a period of being comfortable and happy by myself. That part I'm looking forward to - the taking care of myself part. I've already started, and it's awesome.

I've been with family which has been really helpful - they're amazing and supportive.
I can and will get through this, even if it hurts.

Serena for Serenity
01-01-2012, 06:21 PM
Hey noparenthesis-
Sorry to hear about your breakup and that you are hurting :gimmehug. I definitely understand since I recently broke up with my bf less than a month ago and had been questioning our relationship for a while. It hurt really bad for the first few days and it was during my final exams, not good timing. I survived those first days and then luckily was able to go on my school break and come home to be with my family. I think being around family and people who support you is especially important during this time. I still mildly torture myself with those thoughts/images of 'how it was,' 'how it could have been,' etc. but am getting better about letting myself be. Of course Ed likes to try and chime in by saying that I am all alone, a bad person, it was all my fault, but I tell him to shut him and leave me alone, because I know that is not true.

I too usually jump into another relationship but this time I am not going to do that. I have been scared to be alone and this is also my first breakup that I am dealing with, with healthy behaviors. It is hard and painful, but I am feeling my emotions and really taking care of myself. I know for myself that I am finally in a spot to be with myself and be alone. Alone does not mean lonely and I am excited, nervous, curious, and happy to be where I am in my life. I am embarking on this new year as a free and independent woman! You are too!! You definitely can get through this, it will hurt, breakups are hard. I noticed that the hardest part was just how sudden it was, even though I had known I was going to do it. How sudden that I didn't see him or hear his voice everyday. For me I view my breakup as an addiction I am letting go of. I became attached to my ex and parts of my soul became entangled with his, and now that I am re-connecting those ties with MYSELF and my heart, I am slowly healing and actually letting go of the past. It sounds like you are on the right track, keep feeling your feelings, reaching out for help, and taking care of yourself. :lubdub

p.s. Here is a loving kindness mantra that I meditate/chant to myself
May I be safe
May I be happy
May I be well
May I be at ease

01-02-2012, 01:03 PM
Serena for Serenity - Right now I feel little pangs of sadness when I remember things, but I feel like it hasn't totally hit me yet. I suppose that will come when it comes.

I was really glad I could be with my family and spend time with friends while I've been home on break, because they have been invaluable. Had I been alone, this would be a lot harder. This has prompted me to reach out and not isolate myself, which has been a really really good thing, I think.

I keep wondering if I am too screwed up to have a proper relationship, if it was all my fault, if I should have done more, if I could have been a better girlfriend - but all of that is in the past now and negative self-talk is not going to help me any. I guess the only way to move on is to be kind to myself, practice self-care, and keep moving forward.

I did notice that it didn't feel quite as...sudden as maybe I'd expected it would. We hadn't been talking as much lately and a lot of it had been strained, so in some ways it's a relief and maybe it'd been declining for longer than I'd realized. We also lived very separate lives, so that is both a blessing and a curse - I don't feel like I lost myself in the relationship, but we didn't blend to make an "us" so much either. With my last breakup I felt like I didn't know who I was at all and so I was struggling to create an identity afterwards - I don't feel like this time and I know that I'm going to be ok. I just need to commit to being single - I haven't been for a long period of time in probably forever. I'm thinking a year, perhaps, or however long it takes, to just be happy and be me.

Thank you for the mantra! I really, really like this - I may borrow it.

Serena for Serenity
01-02-2012, 02:36 PM
"in some ways it's a relief and maybe it'd been declining for longer than I'd realized."
This is a good realization and I felt the same way--relief. It is easy to tell ourselves that things are fine and to not see how things actually are, but now that you are creating some distance, you will probably get more clarity.

I understand the feeling of wondering if it is something about YOU that is messed up or if you will ever have a proper relationship...but it's not you and it's not your fault; it's not a fault. Every relationship has a beginning, a middle, and an end, and some relationships last for a long time, while others are shorter. You just need to give yourself a chance to heal and work on having a relationship with yourself. At least you still have your identity this time and weren't so caught up in the "us" of a relationship. It is important to retain your own sense of self in any relationship.

You and I are on similar paths and we can both commit to being with ourselves! I know I have a lot of work to do concerning my Ed and being in a relationship was just not possible for where I am in my life. I still have a hard time accepting that, in my 'down' moments, but it is quite liberating to know that all I have to worry about is myself. Keep letting yourself heal :gimmehug

01-03-2012, 10:02 AM
It's interesting the perspective that comes from things immediately after they end. It's sort of weird. I'm really mad at him (which is normal), but I have to remember that I played a part in things too - it's not all him and it wasn't all me. I think dwelling on what happened or what could have been is probably just going to hurt, although there are issues I might bring up with my therapist to work on that affected the relationship also. I like how you say that every relationship has a beginning, a middle, and an end - it's true! And just because this one didn't work out doesn't mean it didn't mean anything, because it did.

It's both liberating and scary to know that I only have to worry about myself. I feel like in the past I've sought validation too much from other people and not enough from myself - probably hence always wanting to be in a relationship. I know I've got a lot of work to do on my own issues as well, but I think I'll be in a better place to work on them in singledom where I can process things in my own time and really just concentrate on me. Part of me wonders if I'm being selfish, but another part LIKES being selfish, so there is that.

Thank you so much! It's really encouraging to hear these things from someone who's recently been through this - even though it sucks right now, it will get better, for you and for me.