View Full Version : Is this manipulative behavior?

12-22-2011, 07:13 PM
I don't feel like explaining the entire situation in this moment, and i might come back on later to elaborate... but basically i was with a lover, who wasn't exclusive, but a lover none the less. We did share a special closeness and I ended up living in his on-campus apartment for almost two months (i spent more time sleeping over his place than my own). I realize that I shouldn't have gone so fast, and I know that i really just loved the feeling of having someone to love and care about.

I was later confronted by a mutual friend. Aparently he didn't love me the same way I loved him. This had been going on for almost a month before she told me. Needless to say I was very hurt, not because of the situation at hand, but because I had been consistently lied to for a month and it probably would have just continued if it went for her. But anyways, it cleared up and we chose to still be friends

After the fact a lot of things changed. I told him how i was upset and why... and I haven't spent the night since. its been almost a month now and i'm finding myself trying to hang on. I know that in the beginning we both felt the same spark, and I think I'm trying to chase after that spark even though its not there for the both of us. I think if something is meant to be than it will be...and perhaps this wasn't meant to be...maybe it was a lesson on how to take care of myself, to be able to receive love before i doll my own out to just anyone.

But anyway, back to me trying to hang on. I talk to him every single day, or at least I have been...but its always me initiating conversation. I'm thinking maybe he's used to it? And I know he does care for me because he's really blunt and I think he'd tell me otherwise.

But I can't help but be discouraged that he never contacts me. And I feel unwanted in general lately...universally. I blame parts of that on a little bit of depression.

But I want to do a little experiment, one I've been meaning to do but i haven't gone through with. I want to simply avoid contacting him unless contacted and see if he responds. But I'm wondering if this is bad of me... I don't want to be a cause for worry and if he's used to me contacting him I don't want him to think something bad is happening.

So, should I go through with it?

I'm definitely doing it one or two nights just to prove to myself the world won't cave in.

12-22-2011, 08:59 PM
Is it manipulate...no. Stop calling him to see if he initiates contact. Most humans love attention, and no doubt he likes you, but you want to know if he needs you the same way you need him. The real question is whether you are ok finding out the answer and whether you are willing to change your response to him if you realize that he isn't as into you as you are into him. NEVER rely on another person to feed you info. Talk to him and get info from his ACTIONS but third parties aren't great sources. Have you ever confronted him directed? It's not his 'fault' if you are willing to be in a relationship that isn't exclusive and willing to give without asking or expecting anything in return. Relationships are a two way street in the end. And you deserve a real relationship.

12-22-2011, 11:05 PM
yes, i have confronted him about it. and it went really well,... but that was a month ago. Again, I'm not angry about him loosing the spark, it was that he withheld this from me when I was sleeping right next to him. now things are beginning to quiet down and i want to know if i still mean SOMETHING to him.

I seem to be the one initiating contact, I want to see what happens if I just stop...

"relationships are a two way steet in the end and you deserve a real relationship"
I like that, i like it a lot...

But yeah, i don't need to be romantic. I really do think I love him, and i'm unsure why... it just is, and its not going away. I'm trying to find ways of expressing this through friendship, but I want to see if he even wants to have me as a friend.