View Full Version : Maybe I want more from this friendship than she does...

12-19-2011, 12:12 AM
When I was in a twelve step program, I developed a friendship with this individual, M. She drove me to and from some meetings even though they were like five minute drives, it was a nice chance to catch up and chat, and I really appreciated her kindness, thanked her multiple times, offered to pay her gasoline money and gave her little gifts in appreciation. I stopped going to the twelve step program, which I feel fine about, I feel okay in my recovery, anyway, our home group closed and we have kinda drifted apart. We're still neighbors within walking distance of each others homes. Occasionally we'll keep in touch via email or phone, but it seems usually I am the one who does the reaching out which is upsetting for me because I really care about M. I don't know why she doesn't reach out to me...

With the holidays on the horizon, I asked her if she wanted to go to an event and she declined. I've asked her numerous times out to coffee or tea and there is always a hint of hesitation in her voice. She says she is there for me to drive me to the bus/train station which is not far but helpful to have someone to drive when traveling with luggage. We've both been there for each other. I have been there for her when she had a very emotional issue with a pet, and she has been there for me with my overeating and family issues. She is a wonderful person and I wish I could get to know her more, get closer to her. I wish she would call me out of the blue and say "hey lets get together!" but I have to accept life on life's terms and not try to wish upon the stars for unrealistic things...

I don't know what to do... I would really like more out of this friendship and to actually see her to spend time with her but maybe she doesn't? Do I talk to her about this or just accept things and move on? If you read my other post about my internist, I'm doing some moving on in my life, and while I don't want to let go of M in my life, we aren't that close to begin with...just makes me kinda sad...

thanks for reading.

12-19-2011, 04:44 AM
You said you've asked her to join you for coffee/tea many times and there is hesitation in her voice. Do you mean she ultimately declines the invitation? If so, I would take that as her not being interested in pursuing a friendship and let it go.

12-19-2011, 06:48 AM
Hi Kensington,

Thanks for your reply.

Yeah, well a few times we had set a date for coffee/tea and then one of us had to cancel for various reasons. We never rescheduled. It's always me initiating the date/time to meet up and like I said in my post, I feel like I make more of the effort than she does. She is still always there for me to drive me to and from the bus/train stop which is a huge help and I feel like if I were in dire straights about something emotionally, I probably could talk to her but we don't keep in touch much.

I wonder if she doesn't feel comfortable hanging out around me a lot because a) there is an age difference, I'm in my thirties and she is in her fifties or so and b) because I don't go to the twelve step program anymore?

Do you think it would be worth my talking to her or would that make things worse????

thanks again...

12-19-2011, 11:28 AM
She may feel that she doesn't mind helping you out with an occasional ride but for whatever reason she isn't interested in being social with you. If it were me, I'd let it go.

12-20-2011, 01:44 AM
It sounds as though M saw your relationship as one of helping out a fellow group member who happened to live close by and she was happy to do that - but she wasn't looking for friendship.

I agree with Kensington here - I would let it go.