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images
12-15-2011, 03:23 PM
Hi :sled.

So I have maternal transference issues... Basically, when I get a female individual in my life who is kind and in a nurturing role (ex: a therapist) I (in a short summary) wish they were my mother.

I know where this stems from: my Mom was never the nurturing, kind whatever I wished/wish for.

I have done this transference ordeal over the years and wished desperately it would go away because it is so humiliating and even more it hurts because it reminds me I will never have that. Well it has begun occurring with my new therapist. So... I printed out a post from here and explained the issue. It was sent to her email. That was several weeks ago. We finally addressed it today (I had been avoiding it like the plague). I was so desperately scared to talk about it. About three years ago I did a lot of interpersonal work with a therapist regarding this issue; it was tough. This conversation was a lot easier. She did well at not making it about my feelings about her - and that helped me a ton be able to talk about it.

At the end of the conversation, she offered that maybe to overcome this (the desperately longing for the maternal figure and becoming obsessive about specific nurturing figures in my life) I need to grieve.

To grieve.
I have not grieved before.
I do not know how. It seems like a natural response when you lose someone close to you. But for this? What did I do? Also, if I grieve that means I am accepting that I will never have this specific, nurturing role in my life. :cry I want that though.

:ears

escape needed
12-15-2011, 05:07 PM
Grief is a very personal thing - but if your T has recommended it then it is probably worth looking at.

I feel some empathy with the maternal transference - have done/do similar things with a range of people - colleagues who can be viewed as mentors, friends parents. I even remember acting in a similar manner when I was in school.

It stood out in your post when you said

What did I do?

My question would be why did you have to have done anything - if your mum was not all that nurturing why does that have to be your fault. Your mums problems with nurture represent her problems not you. It was something that you couldn't control and had no say after. This is something in itself that could be viewed as tragic and therefore deserving of your grief. No one asks to be in a situation where they are grieving - but that is something that occasionally needs to be done.

I hope that makes some sense. :gimmehugs

images
12-15-2011, 09:48 PM
:hugon Escape Needed :hugoff

Thank you so much for your reply. :bounce
I am super sorry, but the "what did I do" was a mistype. It should have been, "what do I do." I am sorry. But I really do appreciate you taking the time.
Since you have done similar things, how do you feel about not having that person? And when you have that person, do you long for more than what the boundaries of the relationship allow - if so, how do you come to terms with this?

Again, thank you for taking the time.

escape needed
12-16-2011, 02:25 AM
Makes a lot more sense to be honest.

How do I feel about not having the nurturing mother/alternative. It depends on how I am feeling.. If I am feeling like the mature adult I know I can be then I feel like I can cope with it logically. I realise that my mother did the best she did with the coping resources she had. When I'm in the state of mind I can look at my tranferance issues and really focus on keeping the correct boundaries.

When I'm not in that mature great place then I do still struggle. I feel sad for the child I was, I feel a sense of loss for who I could have been with someone filling the nurturing role. I watch proper mothers and feel jealousy about where is mine.

In terms of the transferance I do occasionally long for more and with the benefit of hindsight I haven't always kept to the appropriate boundaries of relations with others. This generally leads to some form of rejection which only makes me feel worse. What helped me with this is
- Recognising signs in myself that I'm getting too dependant. One sign is the frequently mentioning them to others, almost like a hero worship
- One thing is forcing myself to sit down and reflect/write to myself what should I be allowed to expect from how the relationship actually is, rather than how I would like it to me. Occasionally I've overstepped the boundaries as I havent really thought about what the boundaries actually are and by forcing myself to reflect/write about it I feel it is easier (although definitely not easy) to keep to them
- I try to focus on the adult side of me. One thing I feel is I'm craving the relationship a younger child could have with its mother not what a mature adult has (does that make sense) - I'm craving the rights and responsibilities of being a child with someone I can trust to care and support. by focusing on the adult part of me I move away from that power difference of adult-child

I dont know if that makes any sense. I certainly dont think its easy to deal with

images
12-18-2011, 05:55 AM
:hugon Escape Needed :hugoff

Makes a lot more sense to be honest.
I was not trying to deceive you; it really was a type. :lookin

I realise that my mother did the best she did with the coping resources she had. When I'm in the state of mind I can look at my tranferance issues and really focus on keeping the correct boundaries. Same here.

I feel a sense of loss for who I could have been with someone filling the nurturing role. I watch proper mothers and feel jealousy about where is mine. Are you okay experiencing that loss and jealousy or do you do something?


- frequently mentioning them to others, almost like a hero worship I am familiar with this
- forcing myself to sit down and reflect/write to myself what should I be allowed to expect from how the relationship actually is, rather than how I would like it to me. This sounds like a really good idea! :bounce I will try it... I just fear it will throw in my face how it actually is and that will be hard to deal with. :sad


I dont know if that makes any sense. It did thank you!

escape needed
12-18-2011, 08:48 AM
I didn't think you were decieving me. We all make a typos. (I make at least ten a day)

I don't know how to answer your questino about if I'm ok experieince loss and jealousy. On one hand I'm not. I hate it, I'm angry, pissed off and a whole range of other unhappy feelings. I crave resolution of the past, and part of the anger is I won't ever get this resolution because I'm not a little kid any more.

On the other hand for me its not about being ok with it - its just how it is. I can't change how it was so these unhappy feelings are just feelings. I have to accept them in the same way I'd accept any other feelings about the past. Feelings are what they are. I have to learn to cope with them because they are what makes me human. So feeling sad about the past. Its a valid feeling because its how I feel. I know if I try and surpress these feelings then further down the line it causes me other problems. Part of being human is experiencing feelings bad and good.

So essentially I am both ok and not ok with feeling how I do, which in itself is an ok way to feel. I have no idea if that made any sense because I think Ive just got myself confused by it all

I'll admit the writing thing is hard. Its hard to be honest with yourself and its hard not to feel resentful and it sometimes hurts and is hard to deal with. However it works for me because I feel the rejection further down the line would hurt more than challenging it earlier on. Brutal honesty with myself hurts - but for me rejection hurts more

Take care of yourself

Blackempress
12-18-2011, 02:32 PM
Hi :sled.

So I have maternal transference issues... Basically, when I get a female individual in my life who is kind and in a nurturing role (ex: a therapist) I (in a short summary) wish they were my mother.

I know where this stems from: my Mom was never the nurturing, kind whatever I wished/wish for.

I have done this transference ordeal over the years and wished desperately it would go away because it is so humiliating and even more it hurts because it reminds me I will never have that. Well it has begun occurring with my new therapist. So... I printed out a post from here and explained the issue. It was sent to her email. That was several weeks ago. We finally addressed it today (I had been avoiding it like the plague). I was so desperately scared to talk about it. About three years ago I did a lot of interpersonal work with a therapist regarding this issue; it was tough. This conversation was a lot easier. She did well at not making it about my feelings about her - and that helped me a ton be able to talk about it.

At the end of the conversation, she offered that maybe to overcome this (the desperately longing for the maternal figure and becoming obsessive about specific nurturing figures in my life) I need to grieve.

To grieve.
I have not grieved before.
I do not know how. It seems like a natural response when you lose someone close to you. But for this? What did I do? Also, if I grieve that means I am accepting that I will never have this specific, nurturing role in my life. :cry I want that though.

:ears




I think some of us are more sensitive than others towards our mothers. I have the same problem, which has worsened over the past years. I developed the male-breast-fixation habits & its really embarrassing.
I got the maternal transference too & it comes out with friends more than anyone. I guess I started having the same problem with my therapist too. (Btw, psychotherapy is also a way of looking for love).

Just feel the need for being nutured somewhere deep down I guess & because of being misused by men I developed trust issues with them so naturally turn to women for comfort, which is also part of the maternal transference.

Thoughts anyone?