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View Full Version : Anger? from past relationships/situations


enpointe
12-12-2011, 02:14 PM
I'm not even sure that anger is the right word...I have been married and in a stable relationship for years but I still occasionally think about some stuff that my first boyfriend and one of my bosses did (not abuse, don't worry) and just feel angry. I feel like I shouldn't still be thinking about this...? It was nearly six years ago, I should just get over it. But every now and again I remember it and still cringe. I cringe because I should have known better. I was so naive, so young. I don't even want people to know the extent of what happened because I just feel stupid and humiliated.

I think I feel angry because the year that all of this happened was when I was really, really sick and in and out of hospital and treatment. I was incredibly vulnerable and quite defenceless and not in my right mind. I think some of my anger also stems from the fact that I never got to say to these people how I felt really. I think I also am still just dumbfounded by some of the things that people did - I had lived in a sheltered little world and I couldn't imagine people actually committing adultery with impunity and such.

So I kinda just want to say what I should have said then:
To M:
I just don't understand. I can't believe that after sleeping with a colleague's wife, more than once and whilst in an "exclusive" relationship with me, your only concern was having to see your colleague knowing what you'd done. No remorse. No thinking what you might have done to their marriage (or how you might have hurt me, for that matter). I can't believe you took another woman on a business trip with you, whilst we were in an "exclusive" relationship. And that despite all your promises, you still took drugs. I thought you were a better person than you were...and yet afterwards I realised that everyone could see what you were truly like and I was the only fool who believed in the good in you.
I know I hurt you when I tried to die. I know that and I'm sorry. Perhaps I was just too sick for you, much sicker than you realised, and you didn't know how to deal with that but it doesn't excuse your other behaviour. And as my friend (now husband) said at the time when he visited me in hospital: "Where is this so-called boyfriend of yours? Why isn't he visiting you?".

To D:
I don't know what the f*#k is wrong with you but you are completely screwed in the head. I was vulnerable and scared and yet you filled my head with nonsense and made me so confused. And yet I also think you might have cared for me in some kind of way - your other actions suggest this. The fact that you mentored me at work and wanted me to take over your original managerial job, despite my inexperience, was great but it was like there were two sides to you and I never knew what was going on.
I feel angry that you didn't believe that I had been in so much pain that I nearly succeeded in killing myself. I'm angry that you said "if you'd really wanted to die, you wouldn't have ODed, you'd have done something else". I don't know why, I guess I felt invalidated. And at the time I almost wanted to prove you wrong by doing it right the next time. You just got more involved in my business than you should have been and I still don't understand everything that happened and why it did and why you were like you were.

I think I was just in a lot of pain during that year and I think I'm still angry about some of the things people believed about my suicide attempt. No, mom and everyone else, it wasn't a passive aggressive attempt to hurt/punish you/my mom. I actually really wanted to die at the time. Couldn't you see that from the way the first thing I said when I came out of the coma was "Why did you save me?". It was so nearly f@#king perfect and if you'd just found me a little bit later on...

I'm in advanced recovery and yet there is still a lot of pain associated with that year. It took me a long time to be grateful that I survived and even now on my darker days (I'm NOT suicidal please don't think that) I think I should just have died then because it would have saved the pain of the years that followed. And sometimes I feel like I'm a bit of a pointless person who doesn't really contribute to society or anyone meaningfully. I know that this is a product of it being a bit of a darker day this evening and I rarely actually think this. But I think it is a bit worrying that sometimes I still think things like that and suggests that I'm not as far recovered from depression as I'd like to think I am.

I'm sorry, this post is all over the place and ended up being a lot darker than I intended it to be. I think I'm just feeling at the moment that I don't know what I want to DO with my life and makes me feel a little bit useless.

enpointe
12-12-2011, 02:17 PM
(Actually, I think just writing this thread was very cathartic...I kind of feel like a burden has been lifted off)

helloballoon
12-12-2011, 05:24 PM
Don't know what else to say but :gimmehug :gimmehug :gimmehug

xxxxx

enpointe
12-13-2011, 03:12 AM
Thanks MW :gimmehug.

I just found a passage in a book of mine (Shoot the Damn Dog by Sally Brampton) that I think sums up my experience of certain relationships for much of that year and makes me feel that I'm not alone:
'If insanity means having no judgement or intuition, I was honestly mad. There were times when I put my faith in people in whom it was so plainly mad to have faith in they may as well as have had warnings stamped on their foreheads. My usually good intuition seemed to have gone astray but when your mind is in that much disarray, all sense has fled. You are, literally, at the mercy of others. I felt, at times, that I was as innocent as a child and often seemed to find myself washed up, beached in the company of fantasists and charlatans but, somehow, I was always rescued'.

For me, rescue came in the form of my friends, the friends I'd had for ages whom I could trust, one of whom is now my husband. I feel very bad about how much I hurt people that year - I truly was crazy and did not truly understand the impact that had on others until afterwards.

helloballoon
12-13-2011, 03:28 AM
I'm sure your family and friends are just glad you got through it with your life! And I'm sure they'd go through that year a dozen times over if they got their enpointe at the end of it :love

My pdoc told me to read that book. I'm currently in bpd-denial mode so am reluctant to read a book that might make me feel crazier- but you seem to like it so maybe I'll give it a whirl.