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Serena for Serenity
12-11-2011, 01:02 PM
Hey all,
I broke up with my bf last night and it is for the best, but I am still feeling really down. We were only together for eight months and we started dating at the same time that I began recovery for my Ed. I knew that the timing wasn't that great but I really liked him and he was there for me when I really needed someone to lean on. But if I am honest, I knew it wasn't working for a long time and I just wanted to 'wish' it away...I wanted to hope that things would be different, that he would be different, but in reality, he wasn't going to change.

I also have a lot of trust issues with men and people in general and I could never fully express myself to him. He also had a hard time expressing himself, so we both kind of just shut down after a while and got comfortable together, but it was going nowhere. On Friday night I just became overwhelmed with the thought of having to stay in this relationship, but I was soo torn. I also think the full moon had some play in how intense my emotions were. I discussed with him Friday night on the phone that I wasn't happy and that I had been thinking about 'us.' He said he was kind of caught off guard, but at the same time he had been expecting this to happen. A few months ago I almost broke up with him, but because I place too much emphasis on the OTHER person, their wants, needs, feelings, I stayed with him out of guilt. I pushed my real emotions way under and I lasted with him for another two months.

I went over to his place last night to end it in person. It really went as well as these things can go. I made sure to actually express the things and feelings I needed to and we had no negative or bad feelings, so it was not bad. I told him that I just was not in a place to be in a relationship with someone, I really needed to focus on myself. I reminded him how much I appreciated his support for me in the beginning of my recovery and that he was the best guy I have ever been with (this is true, I have been w/some terrible guys...). He just said that he wished it hadn't taken me eight months to figure out that I wasn't ready for a relationship. I said that I was sorry and that I wanted it to work and I tried. I didn't go into details about the things I didn't like, he already knew that I hated that he smoked (he said he wanted to quit and at one point said he would for me) and that his dogs had started to come in between us. I also didn't like how our relationship seemed to center around the t.v., I really don't like to watch t.v. and I felt like we were never communicating. I never felt like all of my needs were met with him.

So now I am just dealing with all the emotions that come after a breakup. I know it was the right thing to do, for both of us, but mainly ME, and it took a lot of courage to realize all of this and actually go through with it. But feeling all of these feelings is really f-ing painful and without Ed to turn to, it is at times unbearable. I know that I will feel better in time and that I deserve to do what is best for myself, but I still will miss him. A part of me will always be with him and I am a better person for having been with him, but now I really have to deal with myself and learn how to be there for myself. I have been avoiding this most of my life and I think it has taken this long to get to this point. I guess I just need someone to read this and say that have been there, they understand, all that stuff. I know I will make it through and this will only make me stronger, but right now, it still sucks :ugh

ducksquack
12-11-2011, 02:07 PM
You arent alone and it is very painful but you made
a healthy decision for YOU.

It does hurt and will hurt however it was a decision which
you believe is right for you for many reasons.

I walked away once and it was painful. Like you I had to
make the choice that would help me have my needs met.
It isnt selfish to walk away if it isnt right.

Sometimes a relationship ends for whatever reason.

Looking after yourself and your recovery is so important
and we all have needs which we need to have met.

god bless.

SierraSwiftfoot
12-11-2011, 08:33 PM
Wow, I feel like I could have written this - I broke up with my bf of ****.**** years about **** months ago. Almost identical situation minus some of the more personal details. It's actually the reason I'm back in the fish tank - I was in recovery when we started dating as well but now I feel like somebody ripped a bandaid off and it exposed a bunch of issues I really need to work on. Being out of the relationship has made me realize how some of the scars from the ED still exist and how they need time to fully heal.

What I'm trying to say is that you made the right decision. And I know it really hurts right now, and it may for a while longer, but beyond just being stronger, you are going to be happier because of it. And I know that's easy to dismiss because right now you're feeling all of your pain, plus probably his too (if you're anything like me). But if you're in recovery or recovered, you're someone who knows that there is always light at the end of the tunnel. You've made a decision that put you in control of your life...and this is the good kind of control...the one that allows you to survive and thrive.

Trust me, the pain will pass, but the courage, that's permanent.

Serena for Serenity
12-11-2011, 10:51 PM
Ducksquack-
Thank you for your always kind and wise words. I really liked that you said it wasn't selfish, especially since it wasn't even right! So much of our Eds tell us that we are selfish, greedy creatures for wanting the most basic human needs met, but in reality it is self-considerate and means we are standing up for ourselves! It is nice to know I am not alone and that just taking care of myself is what I need to be doing. :lubdub

SierraSwiftFoot-
Wow...thank you for your post! Thank you for telling me I did the right thing, I know it in my heart, but it is always nice to hear :lubdub It does seem we are in very similar situations and yes, I am feeling his pain too...I'm trying to set boundaries and realize that I am not responsible for his emotions, only mine, yes it sucks for both of us, but I truly can only worry about myself right now. I am taking personal responsibility!
Being out of the relationship has made me realize how some of the scars from the ED still exist and how they need time to fully heal"
I feel like I could have written that and I definitely realized how much I needed to heal first, before I could get in a relationship with anyone. I need to learn how to have a relationship with myself. It must start from within first, then spread outwards, not the other way around...although I have been trying the external/outward way for most of my life, hah. I hope that you continue to heal and that you can come to understand and work out the aspects of Ed that may still be lingering. Recovery is really difficult and painful, but also beautiful and inspiring, so we will both survive and are courageous for taking care of ourselves first for once in our lives!

SierraSwiftfoot
12-12-2011, 04:11 PM
Exactly! While we both invested a ton into our relationships, our relationships with ourselves got neglected. I'm the same way too - working outwardly to fix the inner. And I think I've tried to do that with my friendships too -- attempting to find out how people perceive me so that I can change accordingly. But again, I'm simply dodging the biggest hurdle to my true recovery: accepting and loving myself. I still can't quite get that down...I make excuses, but I'll never achieve a healthy relationship, nor healthy friendships if I don't face it. Thanks for helping me see that too!