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jellybeanqueen
12-08-2011, 06:50 PM
Does anyone have any experience? I have not had sex in three years and I am terrified of being seen naked and the act of it. I have only had sex when I was real fucked up drunk or high and the thought of sex sober makes me want to cry. Also, the thought of kissing or any contact with a male terrifies me. I long for it but am so self concious about my ability to perform sexually. I feel like I am not "good" at sex and therefore whoever my partner is will leave. I have such low self esteem at the moment I would date someone who was mean to me if they came a long. I want to like myself and learn how to value myself for my good qualities or whatever but I feel like I have none. I also feel like being adequate sexually and attractive outweighs being honest and kind. Does it? Perhaps this is my distorted view...Is there any hope for me or can anyone relate?

lilmouse
12-08-2011, 07:39 PM
While I come from the opposite end, meaning that when I was deep in anorexia, I had sex with a lot of people because I was afraid of being alone. I thought that sex was the only thing I could offer. While I was very wrong and I know that now, you and I are more similar than you would think. We both give sex too much power, we give our worries about how other people look at us too much power.

I have trouble accepting that the future is going to happen, and I obsess about planning and knowing exactly what will happen and when. Try just letting a relationship form without thinking about whether intimacy (sex, kissing, etc) will happen. Chances are, and partner that is worth your time will not give two shits about what you look like. They will see you, not your body so to speak. If you work on your anxiety as a whole, things like this will get easier. It takes time and a lot of trust.

Cypress
12-08-2011, 08:47 PM
I think the right partner will make you feel so safe and comfortable that you won't struggle with intimacy when the time comes. It's not like being intimate with a stranger, which would be terrifying. That's why you take it slow when dating someone new, so you get to know him and trust him and communicate with him before you do anything sexual with him. Then it won't be scary.

jellybeanqueen
12-08-2011, 09:32 PM
thank u guys deep down i know this but i get so confused by our media and my peers intrepretations of sex that i become paralyzed by feari guess i do not feel like i have anything to offer but sex so i put so much emphasis on it i feel like guys will not want to take the time and gzt to know me. i think that until i have progressed farther in the stzps if na and oa, i should hold off because i do not even know myself.my fear is that i will use this as an excuse because i am afraid of rejection

pantherr
12-09-2011, 12:15 AM
I think many of your thoughts are distorted by ED (not being good enough, being unlovable, etc) and it's good that you recognize them. I absolutely agree with what cypress said about the right partner - even during the beginning of my recovery I was SO self-conscious and scared, but I was so lucky to start dating someone who I know is a genuinely good person and who really likes me for me. We took it pretty slow in the beginning. Now that it's been a few months, I can tell you...he makes me feel not only comfortable with myself, but that I'm sexy and beautiful, too.

I have a huge fear of intimacy and I tend to distance and detach myself from people, but when I started to do that with him I asked myself what I was really so afraid of, since he had been nothing but amazing - and I couldn't really answer, so I figured the only way I could learn how to be intimate with someone was to try. And even though it was hard and there were a lot of internal hurdles for me to overcome, I feel so much more confidant having finally found someone who tells me all the time that he thinks I have the perfect personality, and that I'm pretty and smart, etc.
Ah I'm gushing a little bit, sorry.

My point is that the person you're with really does matter. I lost my virginity when I was drunk and being with someone who you trust and care about is a COMPLETELY different experience. It is terrifying, but in a good way if you can imagine that. And I also had a lot of...performance anxiety...since he's a little older and much more experienced, but honestly that hardly mattered at all. I'm still learning what he likes (and what I like) and because I really do trust him I'm not afraid to try new things. I hope that's at least little reassuring for you.

As for being afraid of rejection - who isn't? But are you more afraid of being rejected, or of looking back and knowing you didn't even try?