View Full Version : asexuality...

12-07-2011, 12:40 PM
I've been identifying for a number of years as asexual because I have never had an interest in sex or felt sexual attraction towards another. The thing is, I would like to have a romantic relationship, with all that goes with it (minus sex obviously).

I just feel depressed because it seems like an impossible task to find someone who I like that is also asexual. I'm not talking about a decreased sex drive due to my ED, this is how I've always been and it is part of the way I am. It would be much easier to try to be sexual if I could, I agree, but this isn't a choice to me, rather an orientation just like being straight or gay. I've tried before now to be 'normal' and it just made me more unhappy.

I know that there is a lot of focus on saying "you don't need a partner to be happy" but I feel like I'm missing out on having someone around who cares, and that I in turn could care for. It's only human.

I've tried asexual dating sites but not many people go on them so there's a very limited number of people. I've thought about trying regular sites but there is never an option to state asexuality, and most peple would assume that if you are on a dating site you are interested in sex.

I feel like my mood and motivation is affected a lot by this feeling that I'm not just single "for now" but indefinitely, and I feel like I have no future in the realms of romantic relationships just because of my asexuality. I don't want to be 'fixed', I don't want to force myself into things that I don't want, but I really hate this loneliness which has no end in sight.

If anyone could give me any hope...it's an impossible ask but I trust the fish bowl will have some wise words somewhere :love


Violet Rose
12-07-2011, 01:11 PM
No wise words, but I hope things work out for you. I'm asexual too but luckily I much prefer being on my own, so it's worked out very well for me! I hope you keep looking and find the right someone for you.

12-07-2011, 01:18 PM
I'm not asexual, but I thought I was for years because I wasn't much interested in sex in my old relationship. Whilst I changed, I certainly wouldn't say anything like that for you. Embrace who you are; it sounds like you do already and that is fantastic.

I have found that many LGBT communities are also very welcoming towards asexual people; indeed the very best of these communities will certainly be welcoming towards "any sexuality and none." Are you active in the LGBT community near where you live, or online? It isn't for everyone, but I've had nothing but support as I've gone through a whole spectrum of gender and sexuality questions. Even if you don't find a suitable asexual partner you may certainly find closer friendships around people you don't have to explain yourself to. Not every LGBT community is fantastic, of course. But if you haven't explored this option it might be a place to start. Maybe some LGBT dating sites might have an asexual option; I don't have any experience of that, though.

I completely understand your desire for a meaningful and non-sexual relationship.

If you don't mind me asking, what are your close friendships like? Something that occurred to me is that you can develop meaningful friendships and relationships with anyone. Like volunteering with a befriending charity, for example. I've found far more meaningful relationships through volunteering than I ever have anywhere else. Mentoring is also the most rewarding thing ever, either online or in person. I feel more value in the true, platonic love for my mentors, mentees, students and volunteers than -- sad to say it -- I've ever felt in "real" needy, unstable, sexual relationships (maybe there's something wrong with me for thinking that!!).

I know it's not what you're asking for at all, but maybe there are ways you can increase the value of your interpersonal relationships whilst you look for "the one." Maybe doing something you really enjoy -- and believe in -- might help you meet people who long for the same things as you. There's no reason you need to be single forever just because you're asexual. At the same time :challenge there is no reason to believe that you need be lonely forever even if you did stay single. Don't give up hope on a meaningful, monogamous relationship... but in the mean time maybe find ways you can feel happy in other ways.

Hope you don't mind me answering.x

12-08-2011, 11:26 AM
:hugon Violet Rose :hugoff Good to hear there are some fellow asexuals out there! I'm glad that you are happy with your own company, you're lucky in that respect. Thanks for your reply :gimmehug

:hugon Midnight Tide :hugoff I don't mind you replying at all, I found your post really helpful. I do know a few people who are active in the LGBT community but I haven't gone to anything like that myself (other than mardi gras). The groups tend to be associated with universities and since I'm not a university student myself I don't know if I can attend...

You asked about my friendships - well, I don't really have many (if any) close friendships, and those that I do have still fall quite a bit short of the closeness I would like. I don't feel like I have anyone that I can talk to honestly about things, or who would take me as I am, imperfections and all. I feel like I have to put up a front a lot of the time, and maintain a certain amount of distance if that makes any sense? I end up feeling like I can only relax when I'm on my own at home.

I would like to do some sort of mentoring thing, but I don't know if I have enough spare time to add anything else into my diary, what with college and other commitments :ummm I think you are right though that I should try to find some good friendships even if I can't find a romantic relationship with anyone just yet. I find it hard making friends hard sometimes though, for instance with people of the opposite sex, as what I intend as friendship can get misunderstood for something else...it's not so much of an issue with girls, but if they are always going on about boyfriends or guys they like then that can feel awkward too, and I just feel even more alien.
I hope I haven't gone on too much! Anyway, thanks again :gimmehug