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View Full Version : the year after separation -- first xmas alone?


iKiwi
12-07-2011, 12:39 PM
For anyone who has been through divorce or separation, or are long-term single, how do you manage xmas alone? Did you distract yourself, turn to family / friends, or do you just deal with it? I'm stronger and happier than I've ever been after separating from my H back in January. But I'm worrying about xmas day. My preferred option is to volunteer somewhere, as I don't really have family to turn to. I have friends but definitely none close enough to spend xmas day with. Genuinely, I love being single and rarely feel lonely, but this is worrying me. It just seems really sad to spend xmas alone?

axi
12-07-2011, 01:37 PM
I think volunteering would be a great way to spend Christmas. Spending it alone isn't necessarily sad unless it is going to make you feel bad, if that makes sense. Some people would love the time to themselves to sleep in, stay in their pajamas or whatever they do on their downtime, but of course, some people it would make feel mopey.

You could also put a memo up at the University to have a get together for all the adults that don't have plans on Christmas. You might be surprised how many there are.

iKiwi
12-07-2011, 03:56 PM
Thanks axi :gimmehug. Actually I've been quite happy to do that, I don't feel bad if I spend a whole Sunday in my pyjamas. But xmas just seems different this year. I think that being alone would make me sad, even though I've never had much feeling for xmas. But with so many people lonely, homeless, and with nothing at all -- I want to do something to make a difference.

I've emailed some shelters tonight to see if they need extra help over the holidays. I might think about your suggestion about others in my department as well, there's probably quite a lot of people in the same situation. I'll see how far I get with volunteering. It would be nice to have something unrelated to Uni!

take care x

elfie
12-07-2011, 06:12 PM
I am in the same boat but my separation from my fiance is still very new, just a month ago.
I think your idea to volunteer is amazing and if I did not have family close by I would do the same thing. For some people, like my ex, being alone is unbearable. I prefer it sometimes, when i am already in a good mood. But if i am feeling lonely or anxious thinking about being alone i make plans to be busy. So if you are worried that you may feel lonely on the day go ahead and make some plans to volunteer, maybe you will find others who want to join you too.

This time of year is always tough for me but it is especially hard this year because of my recent separation and having to deal with a man that cant handle the stress, pressure associated with his two sons, having to find a new place to live, his birthday in a few days and the first holiday season without his mother and now i'm gone too.
I feel like i am having to coax him along on every step of this: "ok i'm going to give the landlord notice of our lease termination tomorrow" he says ok then freaks the next day when the house is posted online. He can't even seem to keep it together long enough to call and inquire about new rental for himself and sons. arrrrrrgh.

Sorry i'm ranting i'm just dealing with so much stress with him and this transition that i haven't even had time to think about presents for my wonderful family who has been helping through this, sometimes i just don't know who to vent too.

iKiwi
12-08-2011, 07:17 AM
Elfie,

Massive hugs to you. I think my ex husband basically broke down when I left him, he voluntarily made himself homeless and spent a few months camping in the woods (in an urban park!). He was the strong one in the past but depression really robbed him of that. It got to the point where he couldn't sort out debt or bills, got really paranoid about everything etc.

My ex is perfectly capable but the breakup made him fall apart. He ended up in hospital, in trouble with police, and all sorts of things I don't fully understand.

Throughout all that time I never really spoke to anyone about my feelings towards his struggles. I was allowed to talk about my feelings post-breakup and problems from our relationship but everyone -- my old T included -- seemed to think that once I'd broken up with him, I should leave him alone, that the fact he was falling apart, homeless, hospitalised etc, shouldn't affect me at all. Even HE thought I didn't care. I couldn't ignore it though, I tried to help him but I think I just made things worse. I wish someone had let me sit down and talk about how I was feeling about him post break-up.

The frustrating thing is nearly a year later and nobody really knows about how I felt. In hindsight they just tell me "you were going through a hard time," which is okay in itself. But I wish someone had just let me talk. I'm a woman, after all! :reallymad

Anyway, I'm always here to listen and I'm sure a lot of others are too.

iKiwi
12-09-2011, 06:09 AM
Hmm, a family member (who I do NOT get on with) just emailed me and asked me to spend xmas with them. They wrote, "you might be worried that we would fight, honestly I am too but I'd rather fight than be alone at xmas."

It kind of makes me feel sad then for turning them down, but I do NOT want to spend xmas with them! The last time I stopped with them was a year and a half ago and it almost totally threw me off balance.

No way.

Jeesh, I'd even rather be alone in my flat with a book on xmas day than travel halfway across the country just to argue and feel guilty. If the volunteering etc doesn't work out.

I'm glad to know that being alone doesn't worry me half as much as being unhappy. Yay recovery, I think...