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View Full Version : Moving On and Meaning it.


Ulyssessgirl
12-04-2011, 10:50 AM
So my ex told me that he is seeing someone else now. I have all kinds of feelings about this even though I, myself, have moved on and am seeing someone else too. Our dynamic is that he is also the father of my son and I'll have to know him for the rest of my life! :wacky
The one feeling I do not have is feeling sad about him dating someone else, oddly. Leaving me was the best thing he ever did. I'm sure of that now.

So, I'm pretty much over him that sense.
I think I'm really upset that he basically moved away from us. Three hours away so he can't co-parent at all. Plus, as a mother, I'm heartbroken for my son. He does call and my son goes to visit every other weekend, so that's about four days a month. But that's not what I wanted for my little boy. It makes me so angry that he just fucking left. :mad I honestly feel like I could blast him with my optic ray, if I had one.

So I have bitterness I think and what I need is perspective on forgiving, healing, and moving on. The stress of all this has really hampered my ability to stay in recovery. I'm desperate to just have this go away.

Help?

pantherr
12-07-2011, 08:19 AM
I am always reminding myself to control the controllable.
Where your ex goes is not controllable - and it is sad for your son that he won't be able to see his dad as much as he probably should, there is nothing you can do except be the best mom you can be.

"Leaving me was the best thing he ever did. I'm sure of that now."
This is an awesome realization, although I'm sure it's still hard since he is the father of your child. As far as perspective on forgiving, healing, and moving on...I had this talk with my T and then with my mom, and essentially they told me the same thing.

A) It is ok to grieve our pasts. My T used the example that in some cultures when a woman has a miscarriage, the whole community holds a funeral. Here, that sort of thing is left hidden and is supposed to be forgotten, when really it can take a huge toll on someone. When I grieve my past, I grieve the fact that I was never able to speak out when I really needed to, and that I felt so silenced for so long. I grieve the things that happened to me and my family over the past few years and the pain we all went through.

B) It is also ok to get in touch with your anger. Saying you are angry that he left is a good first start - can you tell him that? Because you absolutely have a right to be pissed.

C) Don't let the anger dictate who you are or what you do. Anger is powerful and it can make you strong, but it can also take over in an unhealthy and unproductive way. So get in touch with it, embrace it, and then let it go.

As for how to do this for myself, I am still working on it. But it seems like a pretty good guideline to me.

elfie
12-07-2011, 06:44 PM
Pantherr- it is great to hear you say that you are grieving the fact that you were never able to speak out when you really needed to. that really hits home with me right now, and i have been letting anger take over me.

Ulyssess- it is also nice to hear that you now realize your separation was the best thing for you. How long did it take you to feel that way?

I fight with myself every day: If i had spoken up sooner and had been able to really vocalize how i felt maybe I would have stayed long enough to get us both in to counseling and work through the problems. But I left, well, i just didn't go home after work one day. And now i flip-flop every day wondering if i will ever be happy with my decision. It is nice to see strength in other fishes.

Ulyssessgirl
12-07-2011, 09:04 PM
Thank you so much!

Pantherr: Your words really hit home. That stinging, aching, feeling tells me that what I'm reading is the truth. So, thank you. I needed to hear them. "Control the controllable." I really like that. You're right. I can't control where my ex went. I can't manipulate the situation to make it what I want and so the only thing I have control of here is of myself and being the best Mom I can be.


A. I agree about grieving. When he left me in the summer, I cried every day multiple times a day. I cried so much that I didn't know where all the tears were coming from! That was June and now it is December. I pulled out my box of Xmas stuff and saw things that reminded me of my family and I got sad and cried. For the most part, it's really cathartic. Painful, but in many respects, I feel good about releasing the pain inside of me.

B. I tell him a lot how angry, disappointed, frustrated, disgusted, etc. I am. He's very much aware that I am furious, but I never show that side to my son. Just so you know.

C. You're right about this too. I want to let it go, but then I am afraid that if I let it go, it is like saying, "That was okay." And it's not okay to me. :mad


Elfie: I understand where you're coming from. I sometimes wonder if there was something I could have done to change the outcome of what happened to us. Like, maybe we could have tried counseling or maybe we could have moved to a different city or something... Would that have changed anything? For myself, probably not. People don't change all that much I've come to realize.

Regarding your question about how long it took? About four months. One of the best things I ever did was see a therapist right away and talk to my doc about medication (anti-anxiety meds) I was a mess for the first month or two and doing those two things helped me to find my balance again... Helped me to learn how to cope. I was in denial about a lot of things. As time went on I began to see more clearly, I began to recognize how unhappy I actually was in that relationship. And that helped. :touched

Thank you for responding. I hope you'll come to terms with how you're feeling too. :gimmehug