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View Full Version : Why am i always the one to make the effort ?


Shypaul
12-02-2011, 03:53 PM
I have no "real" life friends. But have friends from online. It feels like i have to make the effort all of the time. I'm always the one to message people always the one to see if people are ok..

If i go quiet or say i'm not ok then nobody replies nobody cares..

Am i doing something wrong ? I try to be nice to everyone and care and things. Im very trustworthy. I no i'm not very exciting, don't drink or get out much... Or am i just being used and should just get used to be alone forever ?

Ive tried volunteering to meet other people. But i had to leave (people being horrid)..

Am i moaning or is this how people are theses days ?.

Sorry everyone...

dermaline
12-02-2011, 04:29 PM
Hi Paul,
This is just an idea but sometimes we can inadvertently "teach" or allow others to take us for granted because we dont have boundaries or an "enough" point. That we can seemlisly be taking care of others in such a way that they don't realise it.
Are you able to tell when you are giving to much right at the start and to stop?

mjseven
12-02-2011, 04:36 PM
I had a similar feeling after graduating high school. On one of the social media sites, I was constantly commenting on my friend's posts about happy times, bad times, good experiences, bad experiences. However, no matter what I put on mine, there was never a comment from anyone. And when they were coming back from college for holidays, I would try so hard to get together with them, but none of them made the effort.

It took me about **** years to finally realize, most of those people weren't true friends and that I was wasting my time waiting around for people who weren't even worth it. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying the people you're talking about aren't worth it or aren't true friends. Only you can decide that. However, I would hate to see you get so hung up on the lack of response, just like I did. I know how lonely that can be. Sometimes, you just have to find the right people, and then everyone else that used you or didn't respond won't matter.

I think you're taking the right steps by volunteering. That can be a great way to get to know people. I'm not sure how old you are, but having different jobs can help you branch out. I'll be honest, after high school, it took me two years to find a group of friends that actually care about me. But it took me even longer to feel comfortable enough around them to be myself. Sometimes it does take some time.

And don't apologize for how you feel. You have a right to feel however you want, it's how you act on it that determines the type of person you are. Keep trying! In my experience, the one's that are worth waiting for will recognize your good characteristics.

Shypaul
12-03-2011, 02:09 PM
Thank you both for replying it means a lot :)

dermaline. I think i do let people just use me, because i don't really want to cause an argument or make anyone feel annoyed or upset. So i guess i just let people walk all over me ...

mjseven. I think most of the people that i talk to now aren't real friends at all.. (only took reading both yours and dermaline comments to realise that gah....)

I haven't beeen on a social media site all day (normally i'm checking it alot) i went on it for **** mins and felt poo straight away. People hadn't bothered to reply to my messages but seemed quite happy to post pics and statuses.. I think i need to wean myself of them for a while and maybe never go back to them at all.. I guess if people really care they will show it..

I don't have a job at the moment i'm nineteen, been searching for a job for over a year (blah boring...).. I don't volunteer at the moment as i left the place i used to volunteer (made my ED worse with there horrid comments about my size). But i will try to look maybe again in the New Year..

Thank you for being so nice and kind x

jump
12-03-2011, 04:27 PM
I've found that there are really only a few people in my life who know exactly what to say if I put out a signal that I'm not happy, and those are people who know me REALLY well and with whom I've been friends for a VERY long time. I think it's great that you're putting yourself out there and making an effort - it's a hard thing to do - but people might not be responding the way you'd like them to because they simply don't know you well enough yet.

I agree that social media is not always the best way to make strong emotional connections. What about calling someone and telling them, "I'm feeling upset about x"? Or telling someone you could use some cheering up and ask if they'd be up for getting coffee with you? I think it's much easier for people to be attentive - and to read your cues - when they're actually with you in person. Even if you don't feel like you can talk to someone about something that's upsetting you, making a phone call or hanging out in person might help strengthen your friendship for later.

Don't give up!

sunshinepoppy
12-04-2011, 12:18 AM
Hi Shypaul

I'm really glad to see you again. Not glad that you have this concern, but that you can come here for input and support.

I think social media sites can be very detrimental to one's happiness. For a good number of people, social media sites serve two purposes: to compete with others in an attempt to feel better about themselves, and/or to get attention from others. If someone is on facebook just to get attention, they will probably not be interested in truly relating to others. And those who compete...well they are generally poison, online and off.

I too commend you for putting yourself out there. It's great you are going to look into a new volunteer job, and not let the last one turn you off. That's really brave of you. :yay

Have you tried looking at meetup.com? I found a nice group of people to spend time with on there, based on a mutual interest. None of them are good friends, but we have a good time together. And who knows, maybe one or two will become good friends over the course of time. Another option is support groups. You can spend time with others that way as well. We all have basic social needs, and even if we can't have the close relationships we want, we can fill some of those needs with acquaintances.

Good luck with your quest. :gimmehug