View Full Version : Too independent

12-01-2011, 11:53 PM
My parents are independent, competent individuals, and they raised me to be a independent individual capable of making decisions on her own and managing her own life. They raised me to learn how to solve my own problems instead of relying on other people. They taught me to surround myself with supportive, kind, interesting people and to leave if someone is not respecting me. I appreciate that they instilled the value of independence and self-reliance in me.

However, I think that they may have overdone it, or I may have taken the value of independence and completely run with it. I am about to turn thirty, and I feel like I am almost too independent. I can't say that I really relied on too many people since I graduated from college. I have a hard time really opening myself up to someone, and I can't say that I trust too many people to take care of me should I need it. I don't ask people for help but figure out a way to help myself. I look at how I go about my life,and I can see that I don't really allow myself the option of really depending on other people for help. For example, if my car is in the shop, I will take as many buses and trains that I need to and wouldn't ask for a ride from anyone. It wouldn't even occur to me to ask for a ride. If I have to make a decision that I am unsure of, I do the research and analysis myself. I don't expect anyone to take care of me or to provide for me--ever. I can't imagine what it would even be like to be taken care of when I know that I am a competent adult, and I can take care of myself. I don't think that I could even allow myself to be taken care of.

I think that my mentality inhibits my ability to form a significant romantic relationship. I do admire independent people, such as my parents. I definitely respect them because they were able to divorce and move on with their lives as individuals, because they are independent, strong people who are emotionally and financially independent. They didn't have to stay together because of codependence. I respect and admire them, but I think that I may have taken this sense of independence too far.

Has anyone had a similar experience?


12-02-2011, 07:24 AM
However, I think that they may have overdone it, or I may have taken the value of independence and completely run with it

Perhaps it is a bit of both. Regardless of how it came about it
sounds like it has gotten out of hand in my opinion.

It is wonderful to be independent and be confident and problem
solve however you are missing out on the sharing and listening
to different views. The interaction with other people I believe is
needed by all of us.

If I relied on just my own problem solving I am missing out on
so many different options and getting feedback which can open
me to seeing life and myself differently.

I also see asking for help as not only a strength but it allows me
to give someone the opportunity to help me and to open up to
me as well.

I believe we all need others for so many different reasons and
interacting and being a 'part of' is healthy.

What do you feel is missing for you if anything is?

god bless.

12-02-2011, 07:33 AM
Independance is "freedom from control". But it would seem you are controlled by trying not to need anyone. True independance doesn't mean not needing people, it means not being controlled by anything and that would include an ED or a set of rules you have to conform to or live by

12-02-2011, 10:46 AM
I would say I don't read "too independent" but rather would look towards exploring "too emotionally distant" from a lot of things in life. Very different things.

12-02-2011, 02:04 PM
I can relate. My parents are also very independent and they taught me to be the same way. I've NEVER been one to rely on anybody else, and I've taken pride in that...until I came to a similar realization. I've only been dating my boyfriend for a few months, and I can't imagine depending on him for anything, and I'm scared that if I did it would drive him away. But then, I kind of want to let someone else take care of me once in a while, and is that such a bad thing? If relationships are give and take, I feel like in that sense I don't take. Not that I'm resentful about it or anything - I just don't know how. Not much help, just wanted to say that yep, I've lived and am having a similar experience right now.

12-02-2011, 07:01 PM
I am not as independent as I thought for the reasons I thought. I have many intimate relationships but never been married or engaged. Sure, I am single and can do everything alone, I buy cars alone, manage my finances and do quite well. And I used to think it's because I was too good at being alone, but the truth, I'm scared of sharing myself and unsure of how to do anything any other way than the way I do it. Ironically the people I've admired and dated were emotionally distant and never wanted a true partnership with marriage. And I realized that it was me who likely sought that as well. I sought ideas rather than individuals.

12-02-2011, 08:18 PM
I'm the same way. I date casually, have amazing guy friends and occasional hook-ups, but never intimate relationships. I'm extremely independent, and do really well being on my own. I work hard, support myself, and have so many personal goals, that a relationship has never really fit in very easily.

I do think it interferes with my ability to be in a relationship. I'm so used to doing whatever I want that it can be hard for me to have someone depending on me, or wanting to make plans around me. I get suffocated really easily and generally keep my real emotions to myself... I don't let people "in" very easily. For the most part, I'm pretty happy just doing my thing, but I don't want to be like this forever. I'd like to find someone to share my life with, eventually, but I worry that the longer I keep this up, the harder it will be for me to let my guard down.

As an aside, keeping all my emotions and real feelings bottled up is definitely a factor in ED... I use my behaviors as a way to deal.

No help from me, but I'm in the same position!

12-02-2011, 09:01 PM
I can understand. I became independent as I learned to depend mostly on myself having left feeling down and on my own. So I learned to be on my own and not need too many people in life. It's extremely difficult for me to ask for help.

Now am in relationship and the guy is amazing but he has one issue with me....that I don't share enough with him. That I don't let him in on what is bothering me and let him be there. The thing is though that I dont feel the need to talk and share too much. I can forget about those things when with him and deal with them on my own. So yeah... it's a challenge to learn to let people be there. I think it can be learned though slowly to break that wall. I'm trying. You can too. It feels a little unnatural at first....

Sorry for ramble. I just wanted to say I understand.

12-02-2011, 09:04 PM
I think you should explore what degree you are "too independant" because of lack of trust

12-28-2011, 04:05 AM
:lubdub u know that i started laughing and crying while i was reading ur post. u wrote indipendant and not needing somebody and doing everything on your own, so many times, that it screams how much u want somebody to share all that actually.

and the most interesting thing is, ur parents amazing, indipendent ppl, divorced. so obviously their indipendence didn't mean relationship and engagement in one. god knows how they engaged with you as a kid. so the question here is do you think that kind of "indipendence" is what u want?

i agree with recoveryatlast. i just had an issue at my therapy. i was thought the same, earn you food, ur clothes and ur fun, fix our house, your car and ur life. very useful tip from my mother, so i don't need to be dependant on everybody as she is. but along the way i felt abandoned. so i came up w the same, any help i would consider as underining my skills, i would do everything harder way just to prove i can do it alone! it's not easy, it's not fun and it's lonley at times. so maybe consider rethinking indipendance.

i'll say one more thing. how i came up w this idea that the whole idea of indipendance i had was bulls*t? funny enough i always had agressive, possesive and jelous bf, and i always needed to fight for idependance, make my space, demand my freedom blah blah blah. so, i met a guy. i was doing all the same. demanding my time, my freedom, refusing to see him when he wants, spending time aloe just cause i didn't want to be available, not answering calls, appearing from time to time, blah blah blah. u know what happened. the guy is still nice and sweet with me, patient and not agressive. he came to my friend and he said: i like her a lot, i know she likes her own space and time, i'm giving her space but i miss her, it is so hard to wait when i miss her. then i realised - we don't need to set up walls so that ppl will have boundaries, we don't need to struggle alone so that ppl will know we are capable, we just need to have courage and love to say we prefer doing things together cause its nicer and open up to ppl that will do things w us not to help us, but for the same reason, so not to say we cannot do it, but cause they like to do it w us. did u get my point?