View Full Version : Horrible at confrontation

12-01-2011, 05:15 PM
I hate confrontation in general because I don't like upsetting other people or hurting their feelings, but I feel like it's probably necessary in this situation and I'm just not sure how to go about it.

My really really good friend has a history of...unsupportive...comments around my ED. For example, several months ago I was doing WW (not anymore though) and when she found out she gave me this unbelievable disapproving look - so I told her, truthfully, that I was trying to stop counting calories and that having a different tracking system was the only thing that felt safe at the time. To which she said: "pantherr, only anorexics and bulimics count calories."

Um. I'm sorry, but what part of I HAVE AN ED did you not understand? Like, which word in particular was it?

I just said: "well, I have an eating disorder but I'm working on it." But nothing more than that. Ugh, it was so invalidating because I felt like not counting calories and not incorporating calories into my meal plan was a big step!

She's said other stuff about food and eating that has really bothered me, but mostly it's been that she's tried to shove food on me even when I said I wasn't hungry, and it's always gotta be bad food that scares me like candy or pasta with cream sauce, etc. And if we go out and I order a salad (I happen to LIKE salad, and I always get it with dressing so it's not like it's so weird) she, without fail, says something like: is that it? Here's some of mine.

Ok, that's annoying but I've learned to just ignore it. She has her own issues around her body and around food and I know some of this stems from that.

But the other night she insisted on meeting my boyfriend, who is a few years older than me. For some reason the age difference bothers her a LOT, even though she dated a guy who was almost as much older than her as my bf is than me. So first of all, hypocritical. Second of all, judgemental.

Ended up that just the three of us hung out at my place and drank wine and talked. By talked, I mean she basically interviewed him. She brought up the age difference of course, and when he told her (as a compliment) that she reminded him of his cousin, she goes "I don't take that as a compliment. Pantherr already told me about your cousin."
WHY. I told her ONE story that didn't cast his cousin in the best light IN CONFIDENCE. And she basically made it sound like I shit-talked his family. I actually like his cousin, she and I get along.

And at the end of the night, she goes: "you want my honest opinion? I like him but you can find someone just like him your own age."

Ok, but I happen to like him. Then she said: "are you in love with him?"
To which I said no, it's way to early for that. Which it is. Because it's barely been three months.
Her response: "ok, I can deal with it as long as you're not in love with him."

Well, what if I was in love with him? Or what if I fall in love with him later? Or anyone else, for that matter? Why would that not be ok???? I'm so confused by that statement. I really, really like this guy. He is so good to me and we get along SO well. Why would that ever be a bad thing?

I just don't know what to do. She left the next day to go back to her college which is about an hour and a half away from mine. I want to talk to her but I don't want to bring it up, and she's very argumentative when she thinks she's right. Worse than not bringing it up would be bringing it up and then backing down. There's just so much to say, I'd rather not say it and just hit her in the face instead but I know that is inappropriate. :mad

12-01-2011, 06:13 PM
with the calorie counting thing, i think its incredible that you stopped counting. its a step in the right direction. Im not calorie counting. I know whats a reasonable and acceptable amount of food for me to eat. Your friend doesnt sound like much of a friend. When you tell someone something as private as "i have an ED" she should realize that she has to be more careful around you than trying to shove food down your throat. Do you think your friend is acting in your best interest? If shes not i'd let her know that what shes doing isnt productive. If she doesnt support you in any way in your life maybe its time to cut her loose.

Hope this helps:happy

Violet Rose
12-01-2011, 06:15 PM
She doesn't sound like a "really really good friend." In fact, it doesn't sound as if you like her much, and I can certainly see why. Why give her opinions any power over you? She likes to hear herself talk, I get the feeling, but that doesn't mean you have to listen. I understand that you're only giving us a part of her character here and she must have some qualities you like. Does the good outweigh the damage she's doing?

12-02-2011, 02:00 PM
Thank you Tamara for your support! I used to be obsessive about counting. Sometimes I still tally up at the end of the day in my head but I usually can stop myself - and that's a hell of a lot better than obsessively writing it out every couple hours. :] Progress!

As for my friend - I do love her and we've been through a lot today. I am just mad at her, and it's hard for me to say that. It's never hard for her to tell me when she's mad at me (which is rarely), so I don't know why I can't do the same. We've been friends for almost six years now and she's struggled and been through as many if not more traumas than I have. I know I have to talk to her instead of letting this build and build.