View Full Version : Falling in love with the wrong people

12-01-2011, 03:27 PM
I don't know why I always choose unavailable women who I fall in love with and am bound to be rejected as they don't feel in the same way.

I see the fact that I'm attracted to women as a very annoying "disadvantage" because most people are heterosexual. I do not know a single person who is lesbian, and I'm really struggling with that.

I don't think I will ever find someone and have a caring, fulfilling and deep relationship.

Plus with the people I choose I am always setting myself up for failure. Often they are my boss, or I know exactly they're married or whatever.

But you can't choose who you fall in love with, can you? But I'm getting so angry and sad at the same time because I can't fall in love with men. :cry

12-01-2011, 03:36 PM
Hi csd,

Lots of people who are straight fall in love with the "wrong" people or have problems finding satisfying relationships, too. There certainly are stresses and challenges that come along with being gay or lesbian in today's society, but you don't have a lock on relationship imperfections.

You're right that you can't control who you fall in love with, but you can choose to put yourself in a position to meet people who might be more available. Are there any LGBT social groups or organizations where you live?

12-01-2011, 04:12 PM

I can only imagine the many difficulties you face and will continue to face as a gay woman. But that doesn't mean that you are destined to be alone, and it makes me sad to hear you even suggest that! Yes, you will have a harder time meeting people, but I think Bellydancer has the right idea with looking into LGBT groups (maybe at certain bars or clubs..? I wish I had more insight for you).

"I don't think I will ever find someone and have a caring, fulfilling and deep relationship."

I think this believe is partly due to you coming to terms with your sexuality, but it also sounds like familiar ED talk. We tend to believe that we are unlovable. And that just isn't true, so don't give up!

Also, I take it as a good sign that you are interested in dating even though you find it disheartening right now. Lots of girls in my group avoid dating at all because they are too deep in their EDs to even consider it. Props to you for that.

12-03-2011, 02:51 PM
Hi bellydancer and pantherr

Thank you very much for your replies.

There aren't any LGBT groups in my area at all. There is one pub in town, but I absolutely hate pubs, so would never go there.

Yes, I need to meet people who are at least realistically available because I really do this over and over again, falling in love with people with whom there is guaranteed no future. And then I end up feeling unlovable, rejected, hurt, alone, sad, and my self-esteem crashes.

Pantherr, thank you, you have made a great point: I never thought about it in that way, i.e. that showing an interest in people is a step forward. But you are right, not that long ago I just wanted to shut the world out, be isolated all the time and never even considered a deeper connection with anyone. And now I am really curious and want to be close to someone special. Thank you so much for pointing that out!

12-03-2011, 04:17 PM
I know many of my LGBT friends spent much of their young(ish) adulthood falling in love with unavailable people, in part because although the rejection and heartache was horrible, it felt safer on some level than the enormous risk of falling for someone who might actually be available. Do you think you might have some areas of discomfort, either around your sexual identity or around the idea of someone else loving you fully in return, that might be helping to keep you stuck in this pattern? (and I'm not trying to discount the very real difficulty of living in an area without a large LGBT community - just wondering if this might also be playing a part in the pattern you've noticed in yourself).

What about getting in touch with an on-line LGBT community? That might help take off some of the pressure of "finding someone," but still help you feel more connected. It also might help you learn about places or groups in your area besides the pub -- I know in the US at least, LGBT places/hangouts/groups/events are often not widely advertised, but once you're connected to the group in some way, there are many more things going on than there seems to be.

12-05-2011, 05:05 PM
Hi jump

Thank you so much for your reply. You are asking some good questions.

Yes, I do think that on a subconscious level I am "choosing" unavailable people. I am very scared of real closeness, and I also often don't feel like a lovable and deserving person.
Also, because I have been abandoned during my childhood by my parents, I am somehow keeping myself stuck in this pattern of confirming that I am always going to either lose or be rejected by people.

Another huge issue is that my Mum used to say to me as a child that I am disgusting, abnormal and horrible for being attracted to (mostly older) women. So I guess to some extent it still feels "dangerous" , scary and not quite normal or natural to allow myself to be loved by a woman, with myself being an equal partner.

It's all extremely complicated. I also question very much if I was "born lesbian" or if I would feel attracted to men if I hadn't been sexually abused by my father.

It's a great suggestion to get in touch with an online LGBT-group, I have never thought about that and didn't actually know they existed. Hopefully doing this will make me feel more connected and shed some light on the question whether there are any less widely advertised groups in my area.

I am very grateful for your support and understanding of my issues. Thank you.