View Full Version : just not attracted to men, maybe?

11-29-2011, 09:57 AM
I've been thinking about this for a while now, especially since I was questioning things with my last bf. Maybe I'm just not into guys? I like them, but I don't miss kissing them or making out with them. I'd just assume "take it or leave it" kind of an attitude. Maybe it's not the guy thats the problem...but it's that I am just not into them.

I think women are beautiful, and always have. I've never persued it, tho. How do you know for sure? I want to have the traditional life...with a husband and kids...maybe I'm just sttracted to women instead. That's why I dont feel like the physcialeed for men. Plus, boy "parts" are kinda gross if I'm being totally honest. lol

11-29-2011, 01:28 PM
Why not take a break from dating. How would you feel if you didn't date or didn't have any romantic interest at all for a few months? If you said "no" to anyone who asked. You've dated a bunch and always seem to want to like someone and maybe you are just not identifying what you want, like and need. I don't get excited by many men, so I don't date a lot. I turn men down and I don't flirt the way I used to because the attention doesn't flatter me. You spend a lot of time wanting to be with someone. No one can tell you if a woman would be a better fit, but rather than jump so quickly, how about taking a breath and writing down what you like. Not everyone is passionate or sexual, but can you see yourself being sexual with a Winam? Does the image turn you on anymore than being with a man?

11-29-2011, 05:12 PM
I agree that you should take some time to think about this and discover who you are on your own. But in the future, the only way to know for sure is to experiment. You might discover that you are sexually attracted more to women, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. You can still have the house and kids, but you can also have someone you're attracted to and in love with, whether that is a man or woman.

11-29-2011, 05:35 PM
I just went to my boyfriend's sister's wedding - she's pregnant, and married a woman. So, the marriage and house and kids thing is DEFINITELY still a possibility.

I do think time to sort out your feelings and figure out what you want is a good idea though.

11-29-2011, 05:53 PM
Thanks guys. I actually have an appt with my counselor tonight. I plan on bringing up the topic. I know she can't give me an answer, but I hope she will help me figure out what I'm really feeling.

11-29-2011, 05:55 PM
I do have a friend who is married and has a kid (same sex marriage). I have thought about talking to her about it. Ironically, she was one of the few who I worked with (several years ago) who knew about my eating disorder.

11-30-2011, 01:16 PM
I do find women beautiful and have thought out them before as more than friends. I think if anything, I am probably bi. Idk. How do u know for sure?

11-30-2011, 04:25 PM
For me, it's about attraction and intimacy. I have amazing conversations with girlfriends and spend quite a bit of time with a few of them but have no desire to kiss (and when I was young and drunk I kissed two of my best friends) or cuddle with them and touching is very VERY important to me in my romantic relationships. When I'm dancing with a man, I get turned on...never with a woman.

Sometimes the only way to know is to experiment, or maybe even start thinking about it. Does the image of kissing a woman or lying with a woman do anything for you? I still think it wouldn't hurt to spend some time being asexual to take pressure off and let all of this come naturally.

Violet Rose
11-30-2011, 07:48 PM
Do you need to know *for sure*? Is there such a thing? If it's not clear-cut already then maybe you're just somewhere in the middle (along with a lot of other people!), and willing to be flexible. What about just liking whoever you happen to like next without feeling you have to fit in one category or another?

it wouldn't hurt to spend some time being asexual to take pressure off

Just being nitpicky, but I think "non-sexual" is a better word here. Being celibate is not always the same as being asexual.

11-30-2011, 07:53 PM
good info from you guys, thanks. I actually am attracted to the female body and have been turned on in the past by watching women in porn. I guess thats's a pretty clear sign, right? Someone told me once that you know who you are by who you think of when you masterbate. I dunno how true that is...

11-30-2011, 08:24 PM
Thanks Violet Rose...I love to laugh at myself when i choose the wrong word. Hopefully we can we can all laugh at ourselves when corrected!

Star...I think of lots of interesting scenarios when I masturbate. If this is something you think might be a serious consideration, I only suggest you explore rather than commit. Take a break from dating men and befriend more women. It doesn't have to be sexual but see how you feel.

11-30-2011, 09:29 PM
I think one of the things that can be tricky about this subject, at least for me, is not know whether my appreciation of women's bodies is a result of lifelong body-checking and comparing coupled with a need to be approved of by men but having residual sexual abuse trauma. I think working through whatever our respective core issues are before making critical sexuality and sexual orientation decisions is key. I have had relationships with both men and women and at this stage in my recovery I almost feel asexual. I know I am not but I also couldn't possibly answer any answers about what I am in any definitive way. I hope you can be gentle with yourself and give yourself time to let the answers emerge on their own.

12-01-2011, 08:33 AM
Not much to add, but I am in the same boat (though cannot imagine being with either due to the state of my body [non ed stuff]). The man part, um, scares and icks me, too, but I am not sure about doing it with a woman either at least not as it is often done. The truth for me is that I have felt t'd on by thinking about both at different times.
Good luck. You are being brave by talking about this here and in t.

12-01-2011, 02:08 PM
I just recently became aware of my attraction to women, and it has been super confusing. I'm like ********% sure that I'm bi, but I'm afraid to tell people because I fear they might react with disbelief along the vein of "you're just confused". And I want to say, you know, YES, YES I AM CONFUSED - THIS IS VERY CONFUSING - but that doesn't mean my orientation is "just a phase"

But right now it feels like a lot of what I took for granted about myself has been flipped on it's head.

Anyway, I hope you can just take it slow and be nice to yourself and if it helps to just ignore everyone's labels for what you may or may not be and just go with the flow, so to speak.