PDA

View Full Version : When he tells me I'm beautiful..


pantherr
11-27-2011, 10:03 PM
I'm starting to believe it. Isn't that crazy? A few months ago when we started dating and he told me I was pretty, beautiful, sexy, smart, funny, had an amazing personality, etc. I heard it but I sort of blocked it out at the same time. But now that I know him better and I trust him, when he says it I almost can let myself internalize that. More and more often I find myself looking in the mirror and actually LIKING what I see!! I think it's progress. :angel

I just wish it was easier for me to let him (or anyone, for that matter) really in. I am so closed off and I know it. It gets easier and easier with him every week, but there is still so much he doesn't know about me. I know I'm a very smiley person, and I know I'm friendly/get along with just about everyone (not to brag or anything haha) but I'm also so incredibly bitter sometimes it's scary. I don't let him see that side of me though. I don't let my best friends see that side of me. I just think it's so...ugly. I had a nightmare the other night that I cried in front of him and he was so weirded out by it that it scared him off. Yikes.

ducksquack
11-28-2011, 08:06 AM
but I'm also so incredibly bitter sometimes it's scary

You are beautiful as we all are and its great that you are
starting to see that in yourself.

We are also human and have things that we can change
about ourselves. I too was very bitter as my past was so
full of pain and not having the things I felt I needed and
deserved.

I had to grieve my past and not allow it to ruin my present
and future. I had to accept myself and where I was in life.

What are you bitter about? How can you change? How can
you be grateful for what you do have?

god bless.

pourlikerain
11-28-2011, 03:03 PM
Reading your message, it was like I was reading about me. I have had a hard time believing I am beautiful and sexy when he tells me. But I have been trying to believe it! Bc he truly means it!!!

pantherr
11-28-2011, 05:57 PM
Thank you for your replies. :) They really do mean it, other people can see things in us that we don't let ourselves see. I know that is true.

I'm angry and bitter about my the recent past with my family. My brother tried to commit suicide several times, and he was a compulsive liar and cutter. He was incredibly manipulative and I was angry with him. Then I was angry with my parents because they let him hurt all of us so much. And whenever I brought it up, everyone was so appalled that I could be mad at him for being depressed, so I taught myself to suppress those feelings...when really they just kept building and building. People told me I was unempathetic and that I just didn't understand the nature of depression. This is completely ridiculous, because I've struggled with depression in the past (and again now) myself. And NOW I feel angry because my family knows about my ED but they don't take it nearly as seriously as they took my brother's issues. I feel frustrated and angry just writing all of this out. Like I want to cry and scream. I love my brother and he's so much better now - we were best friends when we were kids and I feel like we're finally rekinddling that relationship. Lately I want to be around him all the time. I take the train home just to see him, and he's helped me out so much in the past couple of months with my move and transition to a new university. I know he loves and cares about me but sometimes I feel like I love and care more. It's such a crazy mix of emotions - I'm still angry all the time but I love him so much it hurts, and the thought of losing him makes my heart hurt. I was so scared that he would never be my little loving brother again...and I'm so happy that he's "back" but there are so many, many unresolved issues there.

Sorry for the short novel. I didn't actually think all of those words would come out.

ducksquack
11-28-2011, 09:03 PM
You have a lot to deal with from your past just as I did
and its good that it came out here so you could get it
out and feel the feelings.

My brother was favoured for various reasons and I did
feel so invisible and unloved and it hurt and it took me
a lot of grieving to accept my childhood and my family
being dysfunctional.

Many of my issues came from my early childhood and
it was painful to see and accept and grieve and forgive
and move on.

god bless.

mjseven
11-29-2011, 04:20 PM
It's not easy when a sibling is favored in a family, I can relate to that to a certain extent. But I'm so glad that your relationship with your brother seems to have turned around. And even though your relationship with him has issues, strong relationships are built when you both can work through the hurdles together. It's not always easy, but if you both work at it at your own pace, you'll get there! :)

As for seeing yourself as beautiful, good for you!! That's so wonderful! I don't know that I'm there yet, but reading your post gave me hope. As ducksquack said, I hope you can learn to grieve and accept your past (as probably most of us should). I'm working on that right now too, but thinking your beautiful is a step in the right direction! Good luck! :)

pantherr
11-29-2011, 05:10 PM
Thank you both for the words of encouragement and support. I don't think it's so much that they favored him (indeed he'd argue that they favored me) but that they babied him and pitied him so much that they let him walk all over them. And then that he took advantage of that. I do want to have a strong relationship with him, and I think the only way to do that is to talk about the past. Maybe not yet, because I think it's too recent or both of us. But hopefully someday soon we'll be able to confront those issues head on. I love the idea of grieving my past and then moving on. I do feel sad when I think about those years...the lost years in a way. But they've made me who I am today for better and for worse so I can't bring myself to say I regret them entirely. I think it's made me a deeper and more empathetic person.