View Full Version : The Ultimatum

11-25-2011, 07:15 AM
Hi :fishy

Some of you probably remember my relationship problems with my GF of nearly six years. I have been doing a lot of work on this in therapy, personally, and with my sponsors :challenge

I finally gave her an ultimatum. I told her that this has been going on too long and that I'm tired and mentally I can't put up with it anymore. That I'm already pretty much done, and IF she wants to be in a relationship to start acting like it or I'm out. Period. Done. No More.

Come March I am moving into my own apartment, and she is moving in with her mom. We were going to try and have a relationship not living together, but her actions continue to show more and more that she doesn't want to be in a relationship at all :ummm

I asked her and she said she isn't sure. Sometimes she thinks she does, and sometimes she thinks she doesn't. She can't decide and she realizes that's unfair to me because the way she treats me is far from good, plus nevermind the fact that we have been living like roomates for a year now :ohboy

So how do I feel about all of this?

I waver. Sometimes I feel good, strong, like this could be a new beginning. And other times, especially with the holidays here, I feel down in the dumps like everything is ending. The grief and sadness and anger get unbearable :cry

So that's kinda where I'm at.

Could use :fishy support. Thanks guys :lubdub

11-25-2011, 07:31 AM

I know firsthand what it is like to be the only one
working on a relationship.

I also know how painful and sad it is to be working
so hard on oneself when the other person isnt.

It sounds like you do need to walk away for your
own sanity and peace of mind and unless your
partner has a major shift in their thinking and needs
that this cant continue.

It is painful and I know it took me time to grieve but
I also knew how miserable and unhappy I was and
it wasnt healthy for me to stay.

I found that life did get better and that I was free to
meet others and not constantly reminded of what
could have been.

god bless.

11-27-2011, 05:48 PM
thanks hon :love

I'm just really struggling with this, and I'm trying to stay close to those who are supportive, but it's hard when every night I come home to it in my face - the fact that my relationship has been disinegrating for a long time now :cry

Grieving is not something I do very well... or thoroughly. I start the process and then it kinda comes to a hault by distractions and life, and the fact that feeling that intensely is sooo painful :ohboy

What I do know is it's impossible for me to grieve something that is still here. That's why I am anxious for the move. I am ready to move out, and to make steps forward - be it in the relationship, or out. but one or the other, not this limbo crap. I'm done with that. It's driving me nuts.

I am trying to get in the holiday spirit, but that's proven hard too. I'm just so restless. I struggle when things are up in the air, and right now my relationship is just the larger part of my life up in the air, I have several other parts of my life that are as well :ummm

Thanks for your continuing support, you're awesome and a great :fishy

11-28-2011, 02:32 AM
What's to stop you from separating now? If you are meant to get back together, it will happen. In the meantime, you don't have to wait it all out when that ultimately means postponing grieving you need to do now. Why wait for March?

11-28-2011, 10:39 PM
It must be so difficult to walk around with all your emotions raw and she's still there, so you can't really process them. Is there anyone you can stay with until March?

11-29-2011, 08:07 AM
Kensy ~ well, she said she isn't sure if she wants to be in a relationship. Meaning sometimes she thinks she does, and sometimes she thinks she doesn't. I am holding onto the possibility that she does because I love her :touched

axi ~ yes, it is rough walking around with such raw emotion. plus the stress is triggering my bipolar. nobody I can stay with, not really. my dad's isn't really an option. thanks for the support :gimmehug

11-29-2011, 08:56 AM
I know this must be hard, but why give someone so much power? You have a right to move on with your life, even if that just means getting your own place, and then she can let you know if she decides she wants to be with you. It seems like the power balance is off in this relationship if you are going to live together while she takes several months to decide if she does or doesn't want to commit to you.

11-29-2011, 09:21 AM
I know in my case I waited and waited and it put my life
into a real mess. In the end I had to walk away for my
own sanity and well-being.

No easy job but it was my health and recovery that had
to come first.

god bless.

12-07-2011, 06:57 AM
Well dear :fishy ~ I did it. I broke up with her last night. I'm heartbroken :cry :sad :cry

We've been together for almost six years. My heart feels heavy, my legs feel like lead when I walk, my eyes are so swollen this morning.

I want to call into work today and hide from the world, but I can't afford to call off work.

We both cried a lot last night. The breakup was pretty mutual, although I am the one that got the ball rolling. She did come out and say she had already made her decision but wasn't sure when the right time to tell me was. Part of me is almost angry at her for that, because I was holding onto something that was over anyway.

I want to be angry and pissed because then maybe it would be easier, but I'm not really. I'm just really, really devastated.

Why doesn't it make me feel better that I was so loyal? She said how good of a person I am and how I deserve more than she can give me. In my heart I know she's right on both accounts, but part of me feels like an idiot for holding on much longer than I should have :whateva

I feel so many feelings at once, I want to implode.

I see my therapist and pdoc tomorrow. I haven't been doing too hot on the bipolar front lately, so my pdoc is probably going to up my meds. I can't wait to see my T. I have some massive processing to do.

I don't move out until March when our lease is up. I think I've found an apartment complex. A teeeeeny part of me is feeling hopeful about all of this (being an indie again, living on my own, starting over, etc.) The vast majority of me though, just feels so... raw.

We've been through so much together. She was a huge contributor to my being able to be vulnerable again, to feel safe again. Now, I'm afraid to be vulnearable. To feel exposed.

I know I'm strong, I've been through so much and have gotten to the other side. I'm scared I can't be strong through this though.

... and it's the holidays. We have presents under the tree and our stockings hung. I want to have a good holiday. I usually love the holidays. I want to enjoy them, but how can I enjoy them as a me & her, and not an "us"?

so many thoughts, so many f e e l i n g s...

This is *so* incredibly painful.

12-07-2011, 07:09 AM
I know I'm strong, I've been through so much and have gotten to the other side. I'm scared I can't be strong through this though.

I know how brutal it was for me to make the decision
to walk away. Like you I remember asking myself why
I had waited and waited and waited hoping for different
results that never came.

I am so sorry that it didnt work out for you and yes it
hurts like hell and will for some time at least it did for
me. You will get thru this however by feeling the pain
and sharing and grieving your loss.

As painful as it was for me it was also a relief to not
have to deal with the uncertainty and the insanity.

god bless.

12-07-2011, 07:18 AM
Well. I am sure this is little comfort but I am impressed with you. I could tell how hard it was for you to leave this relationship and yet you have done it.

All the feelings are understandable and it will take time to heal and process. And I am sure you will learn a lot from this experience and you will take that knowledge to your next relationship and that can help you a lot.

Think of all the positives you can take with you into the future. The healing you have gained from the relationship and the new knowledge of what you dont want in the next one. I read something once which I think is really important.
People tell us things with their actions and it is best that we listen to them. To listen to what they are really telling us.

Take care and be really kind to yourself.

12-07-2011, 08:25 AM
:hugon ducksquack :hugoff Thank you hon :love Grief work, hmmm... I want to feel, because I know in orderto feel better I have to feel. At the same time feeling is so utterly painful. It's good to know that there is a light at the end of this, thank you for sharing your experience with me. It means a lot to me.

:hugon dermaline :hugoff Actually, you saying that IS of comfort. Thank you. Sure, it doesn't take away the pain, but it gives me a glimmer of 'feel good'. Thanks for your support :gimmehug

12-07-2011, 08:46 AM
Can either of you stay somewhere else or move out earlier? What is the penalty for breaking the lease? Moving on while living together is hard, for me it was impossible. But you are mature adults and hopefully there will be respect and new boundaries. It's still fresh but when you are ready, talk together about new "rules" about expectations as roommates and former lovers living together.

12-07-2011, 01:19 PM
I am also impressed with you. I know this was terribly hard to do, but you stood your ground and did it anyway, hon. You respected your own needs and took a stand for what you had to do, even though it was painful as hell.

Remember, you are allowed to feel whatever comes up. Anger, disappointment, sorrrow, regret, confusion .... and even good things. There is indeed something cool about being an indie and decorating your own place! I promise you those good feelings will come back and you will survive this. You will come out the other end knowing you can walk through the fire when you need to do it. You will also have learned lessons from this relationship that you will take with you through the rest of your life.

Be gentle with yourself. Lean on your t. and your circle of friends and family. You will get through this.

12-09-2011, 03:09 PM
Thanks :fishy

Having a rough day today :cry

12-10-2011, 12:00 AM
Feel free to vent. What's up?

12-10-2011, 02:41 PM
Thanks Kensy :gimmehug

Well, the stress of the breakup and also something else I am dealing with (I broke my ankle and tore a ligmanet, so I am in a walking boot and doing PT, I might also need surgery) ontop of the holidays ,and the upcoming move into a new place, is affecting my sleep... I've been having nightmares, which is strange b/c I never remember my dreams. Also, my pdoc just upped my medication in hopes to take the edge off my mood swings (grief+bipolar+stress=ugh)

Just feeling emotionally across the board... my therapist says that normal, but man it's annoying and stressful in and of itself :zoinks

Grief is all consuming. I am doing a little better today, thankfully, and have my weekend planned out pretty good... it's just hard, ya know? A lot of emotional pain.

12-11-2011, 05:02 PM
:hugon rayne :hugoff

12-13-2011, 01:28 PM
Thanks Vision :fishy

I had a better day yesterday, and am having a better day today... at least the grief is not all consuming at the moment. I was really, really struggling there. I saw my pdoc and she upped my medication a bit. I'm hangin' in :gimmehug

12-13-2011, 02:04 PM
Have faith, Ms. Rayne. You will get through this and be stronger. :moon

12-14-2011, 12:25 PM
Thank you Kensy :fishy

I sure hope you're right :gimmehug

12-15-2011, 10:33 AM
having a hard time focusing today :ummm

Any :challenge welcome :lubdub

12-15-2011, 12:30 PM
HI Rayne,

Breakups are the worst. I know because I went through one last year around the holidays and its mind blowing. I suffer from limerence. (google this trust me) I have discussed it timelessly with my T because I begain feeling obsessive after the breakup. I am dealing with it better now, but only time and willingness to succeed in your own passage will heal your wounds.

but definitely look up LIMERENCE and I also suffer from cyclothomic disorder, similar to bipolar. We have alot of the same traits.