Bittersweet
06-14-2001, 12:27 AM
Hello fishies.
Being the delusional psychopath that I am, I have once again fooled myself into believing that I have recovered from the depression and the eating disorder.
I met with my T on Monday - back when I was semi-optimistic and upbeat. Told her about my plans for the summer. She seemed impressed by my overall good mood.
Every time I see her and tell her how wonderful I'm doing (COMPARATIVELY), I completely change my mind the day after. Yes, something BAD always happens just one day after I meet with her.
This time, it had to be the lovelife. AND the diet.
A friend of mine named Jake and myself have been hanging out and going to movies, etc., for weeks now. We both "like" each other but are too shy to make anything official.
Well last night after he dropped me off (we'd been at a party together), we had a little chat online...and he asked me what I thought about "us". I told him I enjoyed hanging out with him and hoped that we'd continue to do so. And he agreed with that, but then said "I feel like I'm cheating you out of what could be a good relationship." (UH OH!)
So he went on to say that he "really" liked me but needs to figure things out, like what he wants. He said he needs time to think. And I agreed - we both decided we don't want to jump into a relationship too quickly. But he said rather emphatically that he still wants to hang out. So I suppose that's a good sign.
Then Jake asked me if I hate him, to which I said no - how could I? He's one of the sweetest guys I've ever met. I told him that. He said I'm "one of the best girls" he's ever met. Good Sign #Two?? Let's hope so. He then told me that he had to go but (and I quote): PLEASE!!! keep in touch.
I told him I would and that he better too, and he said "I promise."
So it's all good, right? Basically he just told me he wants a relationship but needs to take a step back?
Of course, all rationality and reason is wasted on me. I cried last night, thinking I've lost my chance with him.
It just so happens that yesterday I scrutinized myself in the mirror very closely (for the first time in weeks, months even) and decided for the umpteenth time that I'm disgustingly chubby and need to lose weight.
:trigger :trigger (ED behaviors, restriction)
So for perhaps the first time in two months, I skipped breakfast this morning. Yeah, that's right, I've been eating breakfast for over sixty consecutive days. And lunch, and usually dinner, too.
And upon skipping breakfast, I decided that I might as well skip lunch and dinner, too.
So I did. I ate nothing. And I gloated inwardly. I felt and feel proud.
And it's so stupid, because I'm right back where I started. I KNOW that playing the Starving Game just hurts me, rather than helping me. I KNOW that this is only going to drag me down, back into the realm of depression. For months now I've been so healthy and generally, usually upbeat...and then BAM! Back to Hell.
This time I don't even WANT the company of ana back. I don't want to cut back my calorie intake to the point of weakness, dizziness, fainting, irritability, etc. I hate it.
But I need it. I don't know how else to cope.
The summer boredom, or rather, the fear of summer boredom, is getting to me. I feel like I'm a failure if I mope around the house, as I did last summer. Last summer was absolute Hell. And this whole thing with Jake is getting to me, too. I was so supremely happy. It figures.
I was happy for the wrong reasons, however. I was happy because Jake cared about me. I was happy about the prospect of a relationship with him. I never feel happy about my own personal successes (or lack thereof). I could never look into the mirror and smile.
It annoys me that I rely on my reflection and my weight to feel good.
And I cannot seem to shake off the mindset..."If I were THIN..."
If I were THIN, Jake would WANT a relationship. If I were THIN, I would have a reason to get up in the morning. If I were THIN, then I would never get bored. If I were THIN, I would feel confident in a swimsuit or even a pair of shorts.
I know this is a crock of B.S.
But I still want to be THIN very badly.
Thanks for listening and caring. I appreciate your support.
:love marianne
Being the delusional psychopath that I am, I have once again fooled myself into believing that I have recovered from the depression and the eating disorder.
I met with my T on Monday - back when I was semi-optimistic and upbeat. Told her about my plans for the summer. She seemed impressed by my overall good mood.
Every time I see her and tell her how wonderful I'm doing (COMPARATIVELY), I completely change my mind the day after. Yes, something BAD always happens just one day after I meet with her.
This time, it had to be the lovelife. AND the diet.
A friend of mine named Jake and myself have been hanging out and going to movies, etc., for weeks now. We both "like" each other but are too shy to make anything official.
Well last night after he dropped me off (we'd been at a party together), we had a little chat online...and he asked me what I thought about "us". I told him I enjoyed hanging out with him and hoped that we'd continue to do so. And he agreed with that, but then said "I feel like I'm cheating you out of what could be a good relationship." (UH OH!)
So he went on to say that he "really" liked me but needs to figure things out, like what he wants. He said he needs time to think. And I agreed - we both decided we don't want to jump into a relationship too quickly. But he said rather emphatically that he still wants to hang out. So I suppose that's a good sign.
Then Jake asked me if I hate him, to which I said no - how could I? He's one of the sweetest guys I've ever met. I told him that. He said I'm "one of the best girls" he's ever met. Good Sign #Two?? Let's hope so. He then told me that he had to go but (and I quote): PLEASE!!! keep in touch.
I told him I would and that he better too, and he said "I promise."
So it's all good, right? Basically he just told me he wants a relationship but needs to take a step back?
Of course, all rationality and reason is wasted on me. I cried last night, thinking I've lost my chance with him.
It just so happens that yesterday I scrutinized myself in the mirror very closely (for the first time in weeks, months even) and decided for the umpteenth time that I'm disgustingly chubby and need to lose weight.
:trigger :trigger (ED behaviors, restriction)
So for perhaps the first time in two months, I skipped breakfast this morning. Yeah, that's right, I've been eating breakfast for over sixty consecutive days. And lunch, and usually dinner, too.
And upon skipping breakfast, I decided that I might as well skip lunch and dinner, too.
So I did. I ate nothing. And I gloated inwardly. I felt and feel proud.
And it's so stupid, because I'm right back where I started. I KNOW that playing the Starving Game just hurts me, rather than helping me. I KNOW that this is only going to drag me down, back into the realm of depression. For months now I've been so healthy and generally, usually upbeat...and then BAM! Back to Hell.
This time I don't even WANT the company of ana back. I don't want to cut back my calorie intake to the point of weakness, dizziness, fainting, irritability, etc. I hate it.
But I need it. I don't know how else to cope.
The summer boredom, or rather, the fear of summer boredom, is getting to me. I feel like I'm a failure if I mope around the house, as I did last summer. Last summer was absolute Hell. And this whole thing with Jake is getting to me, too. I was so supremely happy. It figures.
I was happy for the wrong reasons, however. I was happy because Jake cared about me. I was happy about the prospect of a relationship with him. I never feel happy about my own personal successes (or lack thereof). I could never look into the mirror and smile.
It annoys me that I rely on my reflection and my weight to feel good.
And I cannot seem to shake off the mindset..."If I were THIN..."
If I were THIN, Jake would WANT a relationship. If I were THIN, I would have a reason to get up in the morning. If I were THIN, then I would never get bored. If I were THIN, I would feel confident in a swimsuit or even a pair of shorts.
I know this is a crock of B.S.
But I still want to be THIN very badly.
Thanks for listening and caring. I appreciate your support.
:love marianne