trying to sort things out....

[Harry]

I'm posting here tonight because although I've had over three years of no outward ed behaviors I feel on the edge of a relapse. I have major stress at work, my oldest son was recently hospitalized in another state with war related PTSD and a mental meltdown. My youngest son was recently diagnosed with the swine flu with VERY high fever for several days and he's in another state. I live with a passive agressive mother. I basically feel trapped again.....I escaped an abusive marriage over thirteen years ago, went through IP treatment twice, moved to the state I live in now...have had endless therapy and thought I had finally beat the ED but today I did the unthinkable and weighed myself and found I have lost an incredible amount of weight in the past six months or so.

My only support right now is a weekly checkin with a dietitian and I am lying to her about my intake and am beginning to question why I even bother to keep seeing her if I'm not going to take her advice. Had my thyroid levels checked thinking it might be a medical issue but all things point to self imposed, though not a conscious thing, weight loss.

This time of year is historically a tough time for me. I hate all things winter related, rain, cold, darkness, the holidays....

When I originally moved out here I saw a therapist that supposedly is a expert in the ED field. I stayed with her for over six years, paid her a lot of good money, only to know MORE about HER personal life than I knew about MINE! Plus come to find out she is in major denial about an ED that she herself is actively engaging in. As a result I have a fear of ever opening up to a therapist again...I tried earlier this year just to deal with some PTSD issues but couldn't stick it out.

I work in the medical field so I should know better!! I work LONG stressful hours. I even forget to use the restroom until the end of the day!

I only have a few hours off from work a week besides the weekends and sometimes I work on the weekends. Like I said, I feel trapped with no outlet.

My GP doesn't deal with eating disorders and I have an HMO so there's not that much out there in the way of help without going outside of network. I'm scared. I really don't want to go down that dark path again and I see that's where I'm heading.

I was going to a free ED support group twice a month. It was great at first but then this group of COE ladies started coming and I felt like I had nothing in common and there were weird, painful, silences so I stopped going.

Maybe tomorrow I should just get up, eat my breakfast, pack my lunch and eat it and then when I finally get home I should force something down my throat!! At this point in time I don't think I'm in danger of binging.....it's rather the ease of being able to skip meals when I'm stressed and have to work through my lunchtime.

Any thoughts would be welcomed.

[ducksquack]

I am sorry to hear of your children's health issues as that
is a brutal thing for a parent.

Looking after yourself tho needs to happen for you and so
that you are healthy for your adult kids.

What about another ED support group or calling someone in
the ED support group who you can share with ?

Going it alone and working long hours is not a great idea.

Good luck and god bless.

[forgetit]

I'm in the same boat, with no appetite, and working through lunch is a great excuse for not eating. Both my T and N have said that you just have to force yourself to eat the plan, and eventually the hunger cues and appetite will kick back in. I'm sorry about your kids. That is rough. We have a lot of the same stressors in common, only my husband has a brain tumor, and one of my four boys has autism. I also have PTSD issues. I definitely use the ED to cope and numb out the emotions. I'm trying to force myself to sit down and eat three small meals a day to start with. They are more like snacks, but you have to start somewhere, and sitting down and being present while you are eating, I think is important. It sounds like you used to have more support. Can you find another T? I know that it is hard to put yourself out there again when you have been burned, but there really are some great therapists out there. Mine is one of them. Isolation is not good. I think that it is really important to have support.
I wish that I could help more! Good luck, and try to do things to nurture yourself:)

[Harry]

thanks ducksquack & forgetit for your thoughtful replies. I really appreciate both of you taking time to read my whine and giving me things to think about. I did manage to get up, eat my breakfast, packed a lunch (only had a ten minute lunch today but managed to eat anyway!!) and came home and ate dinner. Just gotta KEEP doing that.

Ducksquack: thanks for the encouragement to call someone from the support group. I do have someone in mind that I can call when I get a free moment...I'll have to MAKE a free moment. I know what I need to do it's just actually doing it so thanks for the reminder that I need to remain healthy for my kids if not for myself right now.

Forgetit: My heart goes out to you and so do my prayers. I'm single but I can't imagine how I would handle it if my husband had a brain tumor and a son with autism. My youngest son, the one with the swine flu, is bipolar so I can somewhat relate. I did used to have more support. Think I'll have to make the effort to find new one's. I'm planning on getting a massage on Sat so that will help some in the nurture dept. When I get overwhelmed like I have been lately it's sometimes hard to see past the end of my nose so thanks for the support and helping me to look beyond myself!