I DID IT!

[GardenOfSimple]

You guys, I sat down, and tried to figure out what was behind my reactions (to getting certain comments.) It took me two seperate times (on two seperate days) to come up with something that really seems to fit for me, but I really think I figured it out! I'm so excited that I really wanted to share with all of you what I wrote.

(June twentyfifth)-- I'm gonna sit down and try to figure out about the panic-like reaction I have to certain comments, as I was asked to do. I guess I'll start with what I already know or something.
Okay. Whenever I am told that I am pretty or a good person (or things along those lines) I tense up. My shoulders shrug, I take a breath, my eyes shut, and fear is probably spelled out on my face. I do not believe it is because I associate any of that with negative things. Instead, I think it ties in with the fact that I do not believe these things. I'm not exactly sure where to go from here... not sure how to figure out whats going on...
As I said, I can not (or will not) believe that I am pretty or that I'm not bad. I think that when I'm told these things I believe I'm being mocked or something. Hmmm... don't know about that theory... I know that my friends wouldn't do that to me. But there's a lot of things I know logically but underneath get all mixed up.

I'm not getting anywhere right now... will try again later.

(June twenty-sixth)-- I don't believe I feel anything inside when this happnes, emotionally at least

Thinking about this kinda depresses me. Maybe its because

Wait... another thought.

I have a deep belief that I'm neither pretty nor good.
When I hear that I am, I freeze up. Maybe its a way of not thinking about these things. Like freezing my mind, too. Like, not letting myself think about it.

Hey... I'm comfortable writing that one. I could be on the right track. It seems to make sense to me...

But, that doesn't explain why it doesn't happen w/ other compliments. Maybe these are the two that I disbelieve the most. A lot more than any others. (There I go!)

Yes. I think I'm getting this. Think I'm going somewhere. *big grin coming across my face*


Thanks for reading you guys! I'm just really excited about figuring it all out. I really thought I'd just sit down and come out with a bunch of stuff I already knew, just put onto paper. Stuff I consciously knew, I mean. But, I got more.

Well... good :clover to everyone in everything you set out to do. You guys are strong for coming here, so I believe you can do anything you set your heart on doing.

Lotsa :love,

[*star]

:hugonjamie!:hugoff
:touched i was soo touched by your entries. you are pretty and you are an amazing person! getting your thoughts sorted out relieves a lot of stress. good luck :clover jamie, take care of yourself!

[happytoez]

:hugon Jamie :hugoff
Thank you for sharing what you wrote! I'm so proud and happy for you :yay !!!
This isn't coming out very well...but I just wanted you to know that I smiled :supergrin the whole time I was reading it. I had a horribly hard day :ugh , but reading that really helped...I don't know why. Anyway, thanks for sharing :touched

[GardenOfSimple]

:hugonhappytoez:hugoff... :hugon*star:hugoff
thanks for responding (and obiviously reading) my post.
happy... I'm sorry you had a bad day, but at least i helped some... wow!!!
Lotsa :love,

[emma lucy]

:hugon Jamie :hugoff

This just shows the importance of journalling our thoughts, so that we can make sense of them and find solutions.

:bandwagon

[piscesfriend]

Jamie,

Just thought I'd add something. Do you believe in the idea that the ED is sorta a separate person in your head, talking to you, telling you you're bad, telling you you're not allowed to eat certain things, and stuff? Well, I totally do, and I was just thinking that maybe the tensing up and not believing, and stopping yourself from thinking when you get those compliments, is a way that the ED in your head is stopping you from feeling better. It's like, it's putting up a wall in your head so that those nice words can't get in and make you feel good about yourself. I believe the ED thrives on negativity. If you get too much love and support, the ED panicks and starts sending all these messages to you saying that those people don't REALLY love you, or don't REALLY think you're pretty. That's its way of regaining strength.

Just a thought.

P.S. On the subject of the separate ED that thrives on negativity, and dies in the face of love, have you read the Robert Munsch book called "The Boy in the Drawer"? It's a perfect example of what I'm talking about!

:love Amanda

[Heart Of A Lion]

Ditto. :happy

[buttercup_fairie]

:hugon jamie :hugoffthanks so much for sharing this with us. i'm glad you sat down and wrote it out, did it help? i've been thinking of writting about things that i want to get too lately too so i think i will now :supergrin thanks jamie! :kiss i'm glad you figured it all out

[pippen]

:hugon Jamie :hugoff
Thanks for sharing with us.

[freddi]

think that its amazing that you figured all of this out!!!

have done a lot of thinking myself but dont think i am ready to write about it yet...maybe later!!!

:love

Freddi

[GardenOfSimple]

piscesfriend Jamie,

Just thought I'd add something. Do you believe in the idea that the ED is sorta a separate person in your head, talking to you, telling you you're bad, telling you you're not allowed to eat certain things, and stuff? Well, I totally do, and I was just thinking that maybe the tensing up and not believing, and stopping yourself from thinking when you get those compliments, is a way that the ED in your head is stopping you from feeling better. It's like, it's putting up a wall in your head so that those nice words can't get in and make you feel good about yourself. I believe the ED thrives on negativity. If you get too much love and support, the ED panicks and starts sending all these messages to you saying that those people don't REALLY love you, or don't REALLY think you're pretty. That's its way of regaining strength.

Just a thought.

P.S. On the subject of the separate ED that thrives on negativity, and dies in the face of love, have you read the Robert Munsch book called "The Boy in the Drawer"? It's a perfect example of what I'm talking about!

Amanda
Okay... I don't look at it as a seperate person, but definately as a different part of who I am. There's the rational side and there's the other part (which is usually if not always where the ED/SI impulses come from). What you're saying about putting up a wall, though, totally fits. I think that's kinda was thinking, too with the "not letting myself go there" thing.
Nope, haven't read that book. I think I might look at it, though.

Thanks for replying. Same to you Heart of a Lion.

You guys, and everyone else in this whole community are life-savers. Gracias a million times over!