I am sooo holding myself back from living life!

[regina_falange]

:igotit / :ummm

EEEK...

So, at my last T session I realized that I haven't been living life and am missing out on a lot in life. This ed is keeping me from living life fully.

~ Because of the ed I don't go shopping for clothes and wear the same sporty tops and bottoms that look like I am going to the gym...all day every day. And sometimes when I am just out and about around town I feel icky because of the way I dress, but its just comfortable and it hides me form.

~I also have held myself back in growing socially, and resisted dating. I stay home for fear of actually having to go out in nice clothes...form fitting and all. Not having much of a social life makes it hard to meet new people and possible dates. And when I did date last summer I could tell that my lack of confidence was a turn off...and I think about different moments when we were together that I didn't hold myself very well. I tend to dwell but try to laugh about how silly I was...
I also wonder how life would be if I was alone...no companion....just me....for the rest of my life. how would that be? That might be how it end up if I can't get over these fears ed has planted in my head.

~and I have been in college for longer than I care to be here due to treatment and because of my ability to handle stress...I take min amount to be full time. I can't stand getting on facebook and seeing all my peers working new jobs and making money and becoming adults. getting married and having kids. Not that I want kids now...eeek no! but I want to let go of this ed and grow. I feel like a child.

Anyway, I felt that maybe I can wear clothes that I am afraid to wear and get over this fear. After all, I see other people who are bigger wearing these things and I don't think different of them. But it just seems like when I put the clothes on I magnify the parts of my body that bother me...they are just unbearable to let show..it's like it is ok for others to have flaws, but I can't.

But I am missing out on sooo much by being SO CRITICAL of myself....
I don't know if any of you have read Succulent Wild Woman by Sark, but I sooo want to live life free and being my unique self without fear...

This is hard stuff!

:lubdub R. Falange

[luckybee]

Hi Regina,
I can relate to so much of what you wrote.

I also have kept myself from going out as much--friends and dating--as I would like. My fears are often because so many social events involve (or even revolve around) food. It i hard for me to go on dates when I am too worried about the food and am so nervous around it, hard for me to just make plans with people when I need to know all about the food in advance, etc. In addition, when I am anxious I cannot focus on the conversation and therefore feel very disengaged.

I also worry about being alone. Sometimes I think I even hold on to the ED as an excuse for if I don't end up living up how I would like to ("well, no wonder...I am sick"). I often worry that even with recovery I will be alone and unhappy. But...I also know that staying sick will GUARANTEE that I will be that way whereas as least with recovery there is a chance...and from so many people on here, it seems like a good likelihood!

Does that resonate with you?

It is hard to see other people "growing up" and getting married and having children but that doesn't mean that it will never happen--and as you said, you aren't ready now. So can you use that as a really great timing--if you work really hard at recovery now, you will be ready when you actually do want to be married and have children?

I think it is really good that you recognize the distortions surrounding what you can and can't wear. Are there things that you think you could try to wear? I wonder if thoe concerns get worse when there are other things going on in your live that don't feel good? Can you identify any patterns?


And yes, it is super hard stuff and I am definitely struggling with some of the same things along with you.

But I hope that people are right--that everyone can recover and that life gets so much better without the ED!!

[insecure_teen]

I can completlely relate. I feel that my ED is the only thing I can have in my life. There is no room for anyone or anything else and I absolutely hate it.

[Girasole]

I relate to you so much, you have no idea. I actually just posted a thread about this on the BED/COE boards because I feel this want to live, which is the strongest I have felt, because I don't want to waist any more time, but something seems to hold me back... Maybe we could try one step at a time, like wearing something that we like but that we're afraid of and see if it was that scary. Or take another challenge, just one at a time... maybe it could be helpful in expanding our comfort zone and raise our self esteem :gimmehug