Feeling not good enough...

[paperdoll]

I am having the hardest time right now.

My boyfriend's brother recently started dating a really great girl. I like her, she's very sweet, nice, etc. She's also an ovarian cancer survivor.

We are around the same age (I'm twenty-four, she's twenty-five) and sometimes I feel like I'm not "as good" as her. She's been through so much, and whenever she talks about her cancer struggles etc... everyone is so amazed. It is amazing, she has an amazing attitude and strength. The thing is, I feel so so guilty and like a bad person for "self-inflicting" my illness (the ED). Now I know that everyone would say that we don't choose to have an ED etc etc... but I feel like "outsiders" don't get that. They just see me having chosen destructive behaviours etc....

I am condstantly comparing myself to her, and it sucks. I really like her, but I feel inadequate and not good enough in comparison. I feel like my bf's parents like her better, she's stronger, she's naturally tall and thin (even before her cancer), she's just been offered a great new job (I am still in school due to ED interruptions) etc etc....

*sigh* I don't want to compare, I dont know how to "just stop it" though... I don't feel like I can talk to my bf about this (or much of anything really) lately, as his mom has recently been diagnosed with ALS (Lou Gehrig's disease), and I don't want to put anymore stress on him or bother him with stupid, superficial "problems".... I feel so guilty and selfish about this...

[tigerurchin]

:hugon paperdoll :hugoff

I can feel for you there - I compare myself to everyone! I used to be so angry at myself because I hadn't gone through the things other people went through and I was still "weak enough" to have this disorder, to be depressed and want to kill myself.

But. The same way you wouldn't feel like someone's good situation -- being rich or being healthy or whatever -- made them a better person, your challenges don't prove that you are a better person. You don't control what the world (or God) throws at you -- all you can do is do the very best to respond in a way you are proud of.

I love that thing -- I don't remember who says it -- but the idea is, God's not going to ask you, Why were you not ____? Or, Why were you not ____? He'll ask, Why were you not Paperdoll?

No one, no one, no one, will ever be you. You could program a person to be smarter, thinner, more talented; you could make their life more challenging and say they must be stronger. But they still wouldn't be you. Think of it: would you trade your best friend for this girl? No? But your best friend probably hasn't had cancer, right?

Your challenges and experiences are just as legitimate and valid as anyone else's. They made you who you are. Your only responsibility is to use what you have. If you spend your time frustrated by other people's strengths, you won't get to develop and use and enjoy your own.

Warmly,

Amanda