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blink
12-17-2001, 11:04 PM
Dearest fishies,
I don't know where I'm going with this post, so God knows why I think it'll help, but I need to get it out, and it needs to be here. I consider myself a RELATIVELY kind person, with a RELATIVELY level head. And yet, sometimes --- now being one of them -- I experience this unrelenting AGITATION. Just below the surface, just sizzling and seething... I don't understand it. And I can't tell if it's sadness, because it's like I want to weep and punch holes in the wall at the same time. If I walk into the coffeetable, I kick its ass. If I drop a pen out of clumsiness, I pick it up and break it to show it I mean business. Have you ever experienced these intense states of IRRITATION? It gets so bad I feel like I have to catch my breath.
I know it is deeply connected to sadness and pain, but I just can not figure out what it is. What? What already? WHAT?
And in case you're wondering, the reason I'm posting in this forum, is because this is the very thing that keeps me from getting close to people. Know why? There are like, oh, I don't know, maybe... FOUR people in my entire life that I can tolerate. How nasty and judgmental does that sound? I can't help it. I am sick of feeling like I've been dropped from some other planet and forced to try and adapt to this fucked-up place, with these idiotic inhabitants. I'm sick of people treating each other unkindly... of avoiding people just to keep me from disliking them... of this constant lump in my throat because the world is just plain UNKIND.
And, of course, the e.d. doesn't help. But it seems that when I drift away from it and try to "recover," the agitation gets worse.
I know it's about getting to the "roots" of it. But what are the roots? I've already analyzed myself to exhaustion. I'm kind of getting tired of it, to be honest. When can I stop scrutinizing and start living?

I know this post is full of obvious answers. I know the answers anyway. I know what I would say to myself... how I would reply. What I don't know is how to make the pain just fucking END. (***NOT suicidal, by ANY means***) This is a very bad day for me, can you tell?

Thanks for being there,
blink

lovtophish
12-18-2001, 06:48 AM
:hugon blink :hugoff

I'm sorry you are having such a rough day. I can totally relate to you when you wrote "If I walk into the coffeetable, I kick its ass. " That's exactly how I feel sometimes. I wish that I could find more kynd people to share my life with. I have a few friends, but even they can be judgemental and mean(towards others mostly). I am tired of getting close to people and then finding out what they are REALLY like. It does seem easier just to stay away from them. But, I have to keep believing that there are truly kynd people out there and I will find them, so will you. Please don't shut yourself off from people, you will find the ones that you can relate to and be close with. Take care of you.

Steph

Felicity Reese
12-18-2001, 09:34 AM
I UNDERSTAND

There are oh, I don't know, maybe... about FOUR people in my entire life that I can tolerate

I can totally relate to you blink. There are times when it feels like there are stupid people EVERYWHERE, stupid OBNOXIOUS people and they just seem to find there way into my life. Not to mention some of them are my family...

HOWEVER, I do believe it is the eating disorder that causes such frustrations. When you say recovery brings such agitations into full focus, perhaps its because you must stop hiding behind your ed and face just how annoying some people can be. You can't use your ed to numb yourself, or focus attention on you instead of them. Lets face it, in the midst of your ed, its hard to concentrate on others, even if it seems as though they are going out of there way to piss you off.

And yet you say there is a mean-ness about people in general that also bothers you. You are part of that mean-ness....although its hard to face the fact.

I know what you mean when It seems like something is boiling, right below the surface and you feel like shouting "Just what the HELL is the matter?" :mad

There are some people who see that I am boiling, right below the surface and they approach me like...I am scalding...they walk on eggshells. But its hard for them to live like that.

I don't know where I am going. I just want you to know that you are not alone in feeling angrey, upset, frustrated and as though there are stupid people everywhere. I feel your pain. However, maybe its not something thats wrong with the rest of the world, maybe its us...

all my :love

:wand felicity

:canada

blink
12-18-2001, 06:47 PM
:hugon Felicity :hugoff
:hugon Steph :hugoff

Thank you both for shedding some light on my, uh, darkness. You are both right, I know. I just needed to hear it.
And Felicity, I know it IS me that is the problem. That's what makes me so MAD!! :happy :love
And Steph, it is true that if I don't let others in, I'll never be close to anyone, and that's the closest thing to hell there is.
So.... guess I'll patch up the holes in the walls and apologize to my furniture, and be on my way.
Anger's a bitch.
But I don't want to be!
Love and gratitude,
blink

oceania
12-19-2001, 08:34 AM
YES! YES! YES! I know exactly what you mean about the anger. As a matter of fact, I woke up early this morning and was lying on the couch feeling pissed off at the entire world, my best friend included! I think part of it comes from placing other people on pedastals and expecting perfection from them. Then, when they show that they are not perfect, that they are human, I am extremely disappointed and it makes me so mad. I get so mad at the entire world for not being a better place. At people for not always being kind and forgiving and understanding.

Of course, I am not always kind and forgiving and understanding either. In fact, I can be an incredibly thoughtless person sometimes. I think part of the challenge is to accept that the world is not perfect and the people in it are far from perfect. We are all flawed and we all have our silly reasons for acting the terrible ways we do. We need to accept the good with the bad and learn to love anyway. In others and in ourselves. No wonder no one ever said life was easy!

much :love
oceania

karemore
12-19-2001, 04:51 PM
blink, I hope you are calmer by the time you read this somewhat tardy reply......

The part about you not tolerating people interests me... Do you mean that literally or do you mean there are only a few people that you actually CLICK with?? Because if it's the clicking part, feeling like you can't be from the same planet as those around you...I can relate to that and shed some light on YOU.

blink, you are highly intelligent. You are WELL above the intelligence level of the general population. It's hard to be around people who think more slowly and just don't seem to "get" what you are talking about or "get" your jokes etc. It's frustrating.

And on top of that you are deep. And you are intense. And you are intuitive. These are all gifts, but we often perceive them as CURSES.

And one more thing. You have a level of compassion I have never encountered. While you beat yourself up, you are sending so much love to those of us here in the :bowl. You don't find that kind of compassion down at the local coffee shop or at the mall.

I'm not sure where the other ones like us are. The ones who care. The ones who want to see change. The ones who just want peace and love. But I know they didn't all die or go back to the mother ship after the sixties!!!!

Take care of yourself blink, we need you. The world needs you and your energy.

Love and thanks,
Karen

blink
12-19-2001, 07:41 PM
Thanks you guys!!! :love

Karen, thanks so much for the beautiful words. I don't know how to tell you how much they mean to me.
Having relaxed a little :happy , I can say that the anger is really not about others. I'm just projecting it onto them. I know that it's about ME. And I know that it's about my anger at myself for not being PERFECT (whatever that is) Hmm.... I believe a certain fishy has just posted on the topic... :love
I know that I'm angry at myself, which is the very core of depression (something I struggle with quite a bit). And I know that I need to learn how to just like myself... and not take everything in the world personally as though it is somehow a reflection of ME. There is a wonderful book called "The Four Agreements" (I want to say the author's name is Don Miguel Ruiz, but I'm not sure if I just made that up.) And one of the four "agreements" to live by is just that: Don't take ANYTHING personally. Nothing. Not even things that are apparently aimed straight at you. It is always about the other person. If I could just apply this to the world as a whole, I think I'd be much better off.
Anyway, thank you all for even responding to such ranting and raving. I'm not going to lie and say I'm all better now, but I have regained some perspective. I think anger is such an important feeling. I just need to know how to deal with it, instead of "hating the world."
Thank you thank you thank you beautiful ones.
I'm so honored. :happy
Love,
blink

blink
12-19-2001, 07:44 PM
...although... if I walk into the coffee table one more time.... that mother's goin' DOWN...

kers
12-19-2001, 10:11 PM
blink,
ooooohhhhh lord, i can soooo sympathize. my journal is full of scrawls from when i get soooo angry that i feel like my body can't contain it.

and the part that has always been bizarre to me is that i am largely seen as easygoing; i'm always telling everybody to let things go, let it roll of their backs, etc. but then one tiny thing will happen and it will set me off, BOOM like TNT. it's an awful feeling to have roiling around inside you.

also i grew up around somebody like this (who acted on their anger) so i am always very scared by this.

i do think anger and depression are--for many people at least--very closely linked. i know lots of professionals say that depression can sometimes be anger turned inward, and i see that in myself--and when i really fear the anger, it's because i've socked so much away that i can't be any more depressed, if that makes sense.

and i totally agree that sometimes it can be about perfection--i get very angry when i don't meet my own standards of perfection, or sometimes when people don't meet mine. for example, i was all pscyhed last night to come home and smile and have a fun time with my bf, who had an annoying day and was bitching about it. i got really mad, because ****. i'm like this lightning rod and i really absorb the emotions of people around me (so if people are mad, i get mad, and then they feel better but i don't. feh.) and ****. because i wanted this happy night and it obviously wasn't going to happen.

i'm ashamed to say that instead of giving myself a good talking to and relaxing over it, i pulled inwards and just acted crappy. ah well, there's next time.

so anyway, you're NOT alone.


kers

blink
12-19-2001, 10:41 PM
Hey Kers,
I know what you mean about taking on other people's emotions. Like we don't have enough to deal with, right?
I remember the author Gary Zukav was on Oprah - talking about anger and judging others. And he mentioned that when you get angry, you are actually feeling pain and sadness, but immediately replace it with anger, to keep you from feeling it.
He also said that we get angry because we are in pain that "the world is not how we want it to be." Well, may sound simple, but that'd be it in a nutshell for me!!
Anyway, I guess it's not all that different from dealing with the e.d.... you gotta feel the emotions instead of avoid them.
How fun.
NOT.
(Wow, I haven't said "not" in years.) :happy
love,
blink