My ED is alienating me!

[Gir]

:redflag I don't know if this might be triggering :redflag but I'll try to be as general as possible...

I'm in college now, and have been struggling with my ED for several years. I spent most of my high school career in and out of IP and residential programs, so I missed out on most of those years. My senior year was also kind of crappy because my dad died in April of that year so graduation, prom, etc. just sucked.

My first semester of college was really rough and I ended up taking a medical leave of absence a few weeks into the school year... it was a really bad time for me both physically and mentally in terms of ED and depression.

I returned to school with high hopes for the second semester, returning to the group of friends I had begun to establish. My problem is; I feel like my relationship with them is based on so many lies!! They think I left school for family emergencies, and I don't really feel comfortable telling them the pathetic details of my life.

So... I feel just completely isolated from the rest of them. Not only did I NOT HAVE the same high school experiences they did, there's a huge gap in my life that I'm lying to them about, but I know I have to. It's extremely lonely and frustrating, and sometimes it overwhelms me to the point that I don't want to interact with anyone.

I guess I sort of feel like my ED has damaged my childhood and past so much that now it's affecting my present and future, even if I'm in a good place and making steps toward recovery. It makes me feel hopeless - even if I can say to myself that I can make a healthy, happy, ED-free life.


Has anyone had similar experiences? Advice?

Sorry for the long post, tried to keep it short n sweet :winky

[Luna Leigh]

Gir-
I struggle with similar feelings of alienation. I'm not really one to give "advice" per se, but I am curious.... What do you think would happen if you shared your story with one of your friends? I have lived in the same town for half of a decade and only my boyfriend and one friend here know that I struggle with an ED. It is a lonely place, I know, I feel loneliness daily. But, I start a new disordered eating group on campus next week. Do you have any support groups in your area? What about at your school? Many of the are anonymous, if that helps. It has taken nearly a decade for me to decide to join a group, but I am hoping I will see that I am not alone. I went into treatment years back, but I was not ready to begin the path to recovery. Now I think I might be.
Gir, you are not alone. I may be on the other side of the country, but we are all connected by the struggles we face. Best wishes to you. By the way, your life's details are not pathetic. You are not pathetic. You can do it. I hear we can have that "healthy, happy, ED-free life" that you talk about. Take care.

[Tam girl]

Gir, I don't think you are lying to your friends because you haven't told them about your eating disorder. Disclosure of ED is a sensitive issue and it is understandable you wouldn't want to tell them if they are fairly new friends. Maybe as you get to know them better there will be someone in the group you feel comfortable telling about your past.

Your present and you future don't have to be dictated by your past. I say this to myself as well. You have the opportunity now to have good healthy relationships and the opportunity to just enjoy life now. You may have lost a lot in the past due to your ED, but you don't have to lose any more time because of it now.

I don't know if you are fully recovered, but I assume you are recovered enough to function at school. You probably have made some very positive changes. Give yourself some credit for making progress. Enjoy your friendships as they are now. You can be yourself without disclosing you have had an ED. You don't have to have the same high school experiences either. They obviously like you for who you are now. Don't waste anymore time looking backwards. Put more attention on the opportunities that you have now and in the future.

Tamgirl

[Baredfeetandteeth]

A) you dont have to be recovered to function at school. I functioned my way through my entire degree in DEEP ed, and continue to stumble through recovery while doing post grad work

B) I can understant the fear of disclosure/alienation big time. The first person I told, outside of my very close best friends and a therapist, was a professor...because I needed out of something triggering one morning. I only told her because I trusted her with an individual and knew she had a close friend who had suffered when they were teenagers, and because I very much wanted her to know that I had a legitimate reason and wasn't skipping.

Since then, it's been like this relief flood, where I've felt less ashamed and more open to sharing..with selected "right-minded" people who I believe I can trust not to treat me differently ..not necessarily people I'm closer with, but people who are more open minded and accepting ...who I suppose tend to be the people I gravitate towards now anyway.

Anyway! If you're not comfortable sharing with the friends you have, have you considered on campus support groups? Most universities have programs around recovery/developing positive body image...things like that. You would find people who suffer from the same thing/similar things and are focussed on recovery as well, who are in your circle, so you could be honest with them...often, from things like that, you make better friends than you would with people you meet just because you live in the same dorm or take the same intro classes that everyone has to take.

[recoveryatlast]

Whilst i don't run around telling anyone i met i have had a severe ED, i do tell people I have been sick for quite a while as an explanation for the years i can't explain easily.

As i've recovered i have come to the conclusion that those people that are going to judge me or reject me on the basis of having an ED arent the people i want in my life. It really sorts out who is closed minded and who isn't in a relatively easy way. I don't feel ashamed of the ED, to me its an illness and anyone who carries a prejudice about that i wouldn't consider to be someone i would like to have a close relationship with.

In terms of acquatenance i don't generally give a lot of detail because its not their business but if its any indepth relationship i don't feel like hiding it serves much purpose to me. I think i would feel paranoid having to watch what i say all the time so i didn't accidently refer to "when i was in hospital etc". My illness has been long term, theres too many years for me to lie about

[Gir]

First of all thank you all for your encouraging words and support :lubdub

Luna Leigh: Most of my friends are guys, they're not as into the touchy feely, and i've never actually had a good experience with telling a male about my ED... I don't really know what to expect if that makes any sense. I'm looking into ways to find more support in the area, whether it be through school or community-based. Thank you so much for your kindness :gimmehug

Tamgirl: I'm currently in a bit of a rough patch, but seeking help and being more honest than I've ever been... thank you for the reminder to stay in the moment and look ahead

Recoveryatlast: "As i've recovered i have come to the conclusion that those people that are going to judge me or reject me on the basis of having an ED arent the people i want in my life" --- words I am going to remind myself of often... thank you!

Has anyone on here had experience with on-campus recovery groups? Are they generally helpful? Is confidentiality generally upheld in the group? Obviously since they are voluntary they must usually be made up of people who are recovery-minded, right?

Thank you all again :groovy