Self Acceptance?

[TLC]

Is it possible to truly have self acceptance? I look at people who are heavy and seem happy and wonder if they are really good at pretending or if they really are able to accept themselves as they are. Sometimes I feel this way about myself and then I catch a glimpse of myself and realize I am just pretending and I totally do not like me at all. Yes, sometimes I do fool myself and maybe even others. My old t once told me I could be such an accomplished actress that I could even fool myself. I would like to be like those happy people if they are truly honestly happy. If I was ever happy with the way I looked would I be happy? Is it how I look that makes me feel so horrid or is it something deeper? Why can I not find happiness or balance in my life? Will I ever feel good in my own skin and have self acceptance?

[LoneMare]

I think it's something deeper that keeps us from happiness. At least I think that is how it is for me. I'm unhappy with much more than just my appearance. I'm unhappy with my performance as a human and in society. I'm unhappy with how I keep my house, how I do my job, what my job is, how I relate with others, my overall personality. . . I could go on. I think the feeling unhappy in my skin is only a reflection of how I feel about my entire person.

I wish I knew how to change that.

Good luck,
LoneMare

[xrunlikethewindx]

I know exactly how you feel. even before anorexia really took hold, I had always had a low image of my body; i thought that was just how people saw themselves. now that i'm in recovery, everyone wants me to look in the mirror and see "beautiful" but i have yet to have that experience, except for when i was at my lowest weight.
i see friends who are bigger than me but have no issues, and I wonder exactly the same thing: Is it really possible, or does everyone just keep it hidden?

[Snuz]

TLC, I wonder if you've looked at some of the advanced recovery? You might find some of the answers you are looking for there.

[TLC]

What makes me feel extremely pathetic is the fact that I could not ask a simple question my t asked today: "What do you want in life and what would make you happy?"

I was speechless which is abnormal. I had no answer. I usually ramble the entire hour to avoid discussing real issue. How can someone no have a clue as to what they want in life or what would make them happy? Maybe I am scared to even dig in my psyche and find the answers.

What is ironic is that I emailed her last week that I was done with therapy. I guess that was not a very smart thought. If I can not answer that question I definitely still need a t. I feel like a lost cause or at least a lost soul just sort of floating in limbo with no purpose or sense of purpose.

[Rayneonthemoon]

:gimmehug :gimmehug

I recently heard a truly priceless and humbling idea

:idea Acceptance doesn't necessarily equal like :idea

I think that many people chase the illusion of self acceptance in different forms (i.e., if I have more balance in my life I'll be happy, if I make more money in my life I'll be more apt to accept things, if I am thinner than I'll feel more confident) and so on and so forth.

For me, I am beginning to understand that I can accept things and not feel all "rosy" about those things. They simply are what they are. Period. The important part is learning how to maintain an ebb and flow to where the challenging feelings do not drown out the good ones.

[hopefultraveler]

I also struggle with self-acceptance and I feel like it's way out of my reach. My biggest wish is that I would not be so hard on myself.
However, I do really think self-acceptance is possible because I have seen it first hand with a couple friends and they weren't faking it to me. I don't think self-acceptance is always constant because every single person has low points and times when they might not feel good about themselves. But, I think it's possible to have overall self-acceptance in life and not feel bad about yourself the majority of the time.
Just some thoughts.

[Baredfeetandteeth]

This is one of the conflicts that repeatedly came up with my therapist this winter. Her ideal, she'd say, was to get her patients to a place where they don't care about appearance at all, and just love themselves for their innards. I, stubbornly, wish to love myself for my insides and my outs. I don't believe that I can be content with myself, being overweight. That's not the same as saying that being fit will solve all of my problems and make me happy, just that if I'm to become content with everything else, and still be overweight, I wont be wholly happy. I think being comfortable in one's body and how it moves and represents one's self is an important part of personal identity, and -I- don't personally believe that I can be comfortable in a body that's heavy and slow and awkward.

[kikiu]

I think that there are several things that help with self-acceptance.

- Notice your self talk. If it is always negative, then no wonder you don't accept yourself. Being mindful of negative self-talk and working to reframe your thoughts (and even REBUTE common negative thoughts that are said to yourself) can do wonders.
- Post affirmations in random places that you will look at. Even- what I did- was change one of my passwords to a variation of "Iloveme". Even if you don't believe it at first, you eventually will.
- Surround yourself with positive people who bring you up. Don't surround yourself with negative people who bring you down.
-Stop comparing yourself to others. In the end, we all will return to dust in the ground, anyway---in a realistic point of view. However, what we develop of our spiritualities is what truly is going to carry us on into the next life.
- Smash that "image" of who you should be or what you "should" look like in your head! Can you reframe it in anyway into a BETTER VERSION OF YOURSELF WITHOUT THE EATING DISORDER? Who do you think "that person" would be?



:challenge Does any of this ring true to anybody?

[sea.tangle]

okay, i thought about this and here is what i have:

i think as eating disordered individuals we put too much importance on our body & appearance, whereas "normal" people don't think it's so important. they can probably find things they don't like about their body but they wouldn't waste time being miserable about it.

for example, I feel like my body communicates something to the outside world. i think it represents me and i don't want people to see something about me that i consider negative. so it is highly important to me where my weight is at.

however, take my sister, a person without an ED. her weight will vacillate naturally, but she doesn't believe that says anything about her as a person, so it's just not important enough to worry about. sure, she might not LOVE her body at all times, but no matter what weight she is, she still is the same person. so it's not like she is in this enlightened state of self-acceptance, she just doesn't find it that important.

so how do we change? i wish i knew. but i believe kikiu is right about negative self-talk. it all starts with the thoughts, so that is probably the right thing to change.

[Snuz]

I think kikiu is right too, those are some very helpful tools. For me, the ED focuses so much of my attention on it that it keeps me from those feelings of inadequecy and so solving the problem. It's distracting is what I'm trying to say.

[TLC]

My old t told me that my main problem is that I see myself as having no value. I actually do not really like myself much at all. He said if he could just make me see how valuable I was that the packaging would not matter. It also really frustrated him that he and so many others can see so many positive things in me yet I can not see myself this way. I am better. I no longer see myself as this horrible evil dirty little girl that was abused and turned out so badly and did not even deserve to exist. Some days I even like myself. I just wish I could love myself every day no matter how I look or what I do. I wish I could see what others see. Maybe then I would feel like others accept me too. I let my viewpoint of myself distort others' viewpoint. I see such false images of myself and others' interpretations of me. My thinking is just so distorted.

I think as I deal more with the issues themselves I will accept myself better. For me it is not all about what I see on the outside but the internal turmoil of the past. What was done to me and what I have done. I am still listening to the voices of my abusers. I still let that guide my thinking. I have not yet become able to think fully for myself because my thinking is still so distorted by others and by so many years of negative self talk.

I am working really hard on it. I just envy those who are comfortable in their own skins warts and all. I hope someday I can be there too.

[Rocky Road]

sea.tangle,

for example, I feel like my body communicates something to the outside world. i think it represents me and i don't want people to see something about me that i consider negative. so it is highly important to me where my weight is at.

This resonates with me so much. In fact, you've articulated an idea I've had bouncing around in my head for a few days now. For me, being underweight is an outward expression of selflessness; sacrificing my own needs for others. It's a distortion of epic proportions, of course. There are selfish underweight people and selfless overweight people. How giving we are is completely unrelated to body weight. But this is definitely a part of the corrupt mindset that makes weight gain so terrifying.

We need to remember that 'normal' people place a LOT less emphasis on outward appearance than we think they do.

Sorry that doesn't help you a great deal TLC, but you're definitely not alone in the struggle to self-acceptance. We'll all get there some day! :gimmehug

[TLC]

It helps us all and we are all in the same boat here. We can not accept ourselves for various reasons. Today I really really hate myself too and I am too tired to even type about it. It has been a long day!

[hopefultraveler]

I don't know if this is true for anyone else, but I think Ed sometimes makes me feel like I have acceptance. Of course, this is completely and ed LIE. But, sometimes I do feel like I am more accepted by ed than anyone else and I feel like I can accept myself more if I am thin and have ed (I know this is a distorted thought though). Thus, in treatment and in trying to fight against ed, I struggle with losing that acceptance of myself that ed gives me (even though it's not healthy and true acceptance).
I guess I'm just trying to say that self-acceptance is hard (especially with ed yelling different things at me), but ed doesn't help the situation no matter how much my distorted mind might think so.

[Snuz]

hopefultraveler, I think we can all relate and thank you for posting something that most of us are porbably struggling with but are too ashamed to admitt. For me, especially since I've had disordered eating for so long, there is such a sense of comfort from being in an ed. It's like the child that cries when it's seperated from an abusive parent. It can be scary to move into the unknown even when it means leaving something bad.

As a means of self-acceptance I'm trying to just be where I am. If I am feeling badly about myself then I just let that be instead of feeling bad about that and even feeling worse. That is a challenge.