dont know where to go from here.

[saabgirl]

it's been so many years.
i'm in treatment. i've been doing all i can to reach out and seek support.
but i see no light. i have no hope.
i don't feel like i know any other way.
how do i find motivation to change my ways?
:sad

[Flor]

:gimmehug

I know that the cyberhug might seem really cheesy, but I know that they help me feel comforted when I'm feeling down. :happy

It sounds like you are having an immensely difficult time, and the best advice I can give you is to suggest something that always helps me when I can't see a light at the end of the tunnel.
I don't know how religious you personally are, but I know that faith in God has helped me immensely when there doesn't seem to be a way out. Reading devotionals has been very helpful for me.
Another thing that really works for me is diaphramic breathing (didn't spell that right), where you slowly breathe in through your nose and slowly out your mouth, repeating whilst counting to ten.
I dont know, I hope that's helpful, and please hang in there!

flor

[nikki_d]

Hi. I just want to add a hug to Flor's and say that there is some motivation in you to be sticking with treatment and to be coming to here to say you want it. That might seem the tiniest amount but it is something. Give yourself credit that you are trying to reach out for support if nothing else. Things do change and can change even after a long time. That can be incredibly hard to believe in sometimes I know. But I can hear they are hurting a lot.
Why do you not have hope? Because you don't believe in yourself or others to help or both?
What is stopping you from being more motivated?
When you reach out for support what is it you want? What do you want someone to say or do, who do you want that someone(s) to be and what is it you need?
Motivation has to come from you and we can support here but we can only support if we know more about what you need / feel etc. so if you can open up here then maybe that will be a start. And a hope.
If you can stay with it, you may find the motivation comes. I find that if it doesn't hurt like hell, ache so badly I think it will take over myself and totally ruin everything then I will continue in my horrid self destructive but ultimately pointless way. It is when I feel there is nothing left, rock bottom so to speak, that my motivation comes to get out of it. So if nothing else, I guess I believe that at some point it will come. Hopefully it will come before that but you need to work on it, it isn't a passive thing. Wanting it isn't enough, you have to encourage it, mould it, tender it and develop it. You have to work on being motivated. So surround yourself by things that will do this, and try to take away the things that demotivate yourself. I know that this is so much easier said than done but it works.
I got better after seven years of an ED. It CAN happen. Can you think about what life would be like without it? What would it feel like, what would you do that you can't do now? These are all things that can help. Try and have a vision and focus on it.
And ultimately is the ED worth it all?
I hope things start to work out and you find hope. I will be here to try and support (and send hugs!)
Nikki

[ducksquack]

Sometimes I have used a simple prayer and it
has helped me in the past.

I have felt that way before as well and I am glad
I kept reaching out because I know I cant quit and
life will get better and it has.

god bless.

[saabgirl]

:lubdub
you are all so wonderful. if i could only tell you how much your responses and advice mean to me..i have been hesitating to come back to these boards...i forgot how nice it is to be supported by people who truly understand.

i am lower than ever, but i'm also more receptive than ever. it seems that breaking down so severely again is what it has taken to finally get me to the point where i'm able to reach out and ask for help. it has broken down my defenses and left me with no choice but to accept the help people have to offer. i dont even have the energy to resist it.

flor--i always consider myself to be a spiritual person, without much of an outlet because i'm not into organized religion. but i'm really seeking people and places that will help to strengthen this part of myself, because i think you are so right that it is a necessary step. the breathing advice is great, too...i LOVE your concrete ideas...that's what i need right now. i need concrete, healthy things i can try, because i can't rely on whims or desires to guide me, seeing as how i have none. real hugs or cyberhugs, they all feel so gooood. :gimmehug

nikki--thanks for your hug, too! in response, i don't know why i feel so hopeless. i just have no interest in anything at all, no dreams or desires. there have been times when i have been depressed but still able to imagine my life as different, healthy, productive, restored...but at this point, there is nothing else i see. i can't even imagine anything else, because i just don't care. i'm forcing myself to venture out and try some things that may help in the long run, but there is no relief. ever.
i have had some very traumatic incidents recently that have made me question any love or caring that has ever been given to me. i have realized that the entire foundation i thought my life was based upon is actually a crumbly piece of shit, and illogical as it may be, i hate myself more than ever.
i hope that i am doing the right thing by reaching out and surrounding myself by things that are good for me, even if they don't feel particularly helpful right now. i wish i knew what i needed or what to ask for, but pretty much right now all i can ask for is your support and understanding, which you guys so lovingly provided.

ducksquack--what a soothing couple of lines that is. i am so appreciative that you would share that with me. i am going to commit it to memory and use it as a sort of affirmation. thank you thank you. :gimmehug

[mxchaos]

I've felt like this and sometimes still have to fight these feelings. I can't fight alone so I have my tdoc and Gp for help. They often remind me that the brain need nutrients, without it it can become depressed and not function right causing lots of different problems.

Don't give up just yet look for some help there is hope

[hopefultraveler]

I just want to let you know that I know how you feel. My heart goes out to you so much because I hate that anyone would feel the same way I do. I have trouble finding hope or seeing the light too. But, I guess, if all you can do is get through the day, than we can look at that as a huge accomplishment. For me, that's all I can struggle to do right now. I'm just trying to live for the day and get through it. Sometimes just focusing on the moment before you is the best you can do. We have no control over the future and we have no idea what it's going to look like, so sometimes I remind myself that there's no sense in getting too worked up about it. I know how hard it is and I know how big of a struggle it is to just keep going, but please don't give up.
Sending you all my hugs (wish I could give you a real hug:) and encouragement!

[saabgirl]

thank you, hopefultraveler...
it's nice to know you understand, but i'm so sorry that you have to, well, understand ...
today was a rough day. i think people often are under the impression that we are leading normal lives, just minus food. what a lot of my friends don't have a clue about is the psychological and physical torture i impose upon myself every single moment of every single day (and night). it's so exhausting. and lame.
anyway, i'm hoping tomorrow is a bit better, since today was so difficult.
i will be thinking of you, too.
:gimmehug:gimmehug:gimmehug
alice

[hopefultraveler]

Alice,
I hope your day went better. I think you hit it right on the head that people think it's just the food that bugs us, but it's so much deeper than that. I get frustrated that no one seems to understand and then when I feel that no one understands it's hard to feel like anyone really cares because no one knows how hard it is or how much I struggle to live everyday. I don't know why I feel the way I do and why I'm so hard on myself. I wish I had an answer. I hate having grey in my life (ugh, black and white thinking stinks).
Well, I really hope your day is better today. Hold your head up high and kick Ed in the butt! You may not think you deserve it, but you do, you really do!
Hugs and hugs and hugs!!!

[nikki_d]

Alice

Glad to see that a number of people are with you in this fight on here, and so you can feel you are not alone. We are all weary travellers who know somehow somewhere that we are fighting for something and that there is hope. On your journey I send you hugs and love and hope for when you cannot hold it. In reply to some of the stuff you said in reply to me:
I am so so sorry that right now there is nothing. That you have no hope. Like somone wrote, sometimes that is because of the lack of nutrients and the depression that this causes. If nothing else, you are here and not giving up, and that means there must be something even if you cannot put your finger on it. Even if it is hope without reason. And I am hoping that day by day that you get through, with the effort you put in because you are at rock bottom, and things WILL look up. I have found that they do. And I have plenty of experience of that rock bottom to know - tending to go right the way down before anything changes. You say you just don't care - I need to sensitively challenge that and say I think you must care about something, and yourself, even if in the tiniest way because you are still here. I am not meaning to underestimate what you feel but I think it is important that I don't say okay, I agree there is nothing because that means I collude that there is no hope. Even if you don't know yourself what it is you care about.
I know for myself what it means to question any love that has been given and wonder about it, and I am sorry that this has happened, in whatever way it has, and all I can say is that crap happens and beyond all the heartache I find words that say to you 'you don't deserve that' and 'you deserve care' because we all do. I am sorry people have hurt you and you have had to live that trauma. Sometimes it can be so hard surviving. And when you lose that foundation. Know that not all people hurt. Some of us are good. Maybe not enough or the right people but someone. Across the miles I am sat here thinking of you and caring and I don't know you and can't be the person you want, or enough, but I am still one person and there are others here too. I hope that brings you something. I send my hugs and love and wishing I could sit with you through your emptiness. Is there anyone who can? Why do you hate yourself more than ever? For trusting? Or what? We all deserve to be able to believe in people and trust without those foundations going.
Im so glad you are reaching out and ask that you will continue to do so, here and in real time too. PLease take care of yourself and try to find some peace in whatever way you can. Know that you deserve this, and so do something after you have read this to look after yourself and be kind to yourself.
I hope this helps and doesn't confuse / hurt / mess further. I send it with care for you. I hope today has been better. I know there is so much below the pain of the ED, Know that at least we know that here and try to let others who are to help you know that too if it will help.
Love Nikki

[saabgirl]

nikki
your words are perhaps some of the kindest words anyone has ever offered me, though i dont even know you. my gratitude is so intense and had i not indulged in pharmaceuticals a bit ago i might be coherent enough to further articulate my thanks. for now all i can say is that i will go to sleep tonight knowing that someone out there really and truly cares and understands. thank you for taking the time to write that. i will read it again and again.

:lubdub

p.s. mxchaos--i didn't mean to not respond to your post...i have been thinking a lot about it and you are right. i am trying to remind myself of the little "flashes" of hope i recall having in the past when my brain started to get nutrients. it always helps me to hear facts like that, because it feeds the little part of my brain that is still relies on logic.

[nikki_d]

Truly glad because they were truly meant. I hope you managed to sleep. Keep posting and we'll keep supporting. If at some point you can answer the questions if they are any use then please do so you can keep exploring and searching for a way through. I'll be about.
Love and hugs Nikki x