How to get healthy despite eating issues...

[deegirl]

I don't know where I really fit in. I've dealt with binging, purging, skipping meals and cutting back, overexercising, you name it... that's why I felt the Misc. section was probably my best fit.

I've been struggling with my issues for about three or four years now. I did a short bit of counseling back then when I was in college, but it doesn't seem like it was enough. I still have a lot of trouble. I feel like all my mind wants to think about is weight.

I go through bouts of being really healthy, losing weight, getting in good shape, and then suddenly, I get derailed. I'll start binging on lots of high fat and sugary foods. I'll stop working out... and then all the weight comes back. I don't know why I always seem to sabotage my hard work- and it was good work, too, not disordered eating results- but honest healthy eating and just regular exercise.

Well, the point of this post, is how do you deal with trying to be a healthy weight when you have eating issues that keep screwing it up? I know I'm medically overweight when you look at the charts, and I worry about the risks associated with carrying excess weight, but I feel like any time I "diet" and start exercising, it just eventually gets out of control again. It starts simply, but eventually I find myself feeling guilty, overindulging, wanting to skip meals, etc, and BAM I'm right back in the throws of my ED symptoms.

I feel like my only option is just to stay "fat" forever. I feel like I can't win. I feel like I'll never get a shot at being a healthy weight and a fit athletic individual. I feel like I have to choose between being "fat" or getting "thin" through unhealthy methods. I don't know why I always seem to function in these extremes and why I have such a hard time finding the middle road.

Any thoughts on this? I mean, what are you supposed to do if you actually are heavier than a doctor recommends but also struggle with eating disorders?

[LindenTree]

Doctors use a system of measuring your Body Mass Index to determine where your weight "should" be. This method is very controversial, and I personally have a lot of problems with it. It does not take into consideration age, gender or BODY COMPOSITION, as well as the fact that the formula they use is completely random.

Part of getting better is accepting that in reality, no one fits perfectly into these neat little categories of where they should be. With proper nutrition, exercise, and treatment of any underlying causes of weight gain (like hypothyroidism, for example) the body will rest at whatever weight it is naturally supposed to be.

Basically, doctors can misjudge things too. They aren't perfect either.

I'd recommend getting help for your ED.

[_goofy_]

BMI is a formula created using data from studies and is an indication of your risk of developing health problems. Once you reach the BMI definition of obese, your risk of heart disease, strokes, diabetes etc increases dramatically. And like any arbitary number, it is for the 'average' person so there are some people for whom BMI isn't a good predictor of health risk - ie athletes with lots of muscle bulk.
But overall, you can't argue with the many, many studies, having a high BMI - even if it is caused by medical problems such as thyroid problems or taking steroids etc still puts you at a higher risk of weight related disease.

[LindenTree]

Well, actually, I am still arguing it. I do not agree with BMI measurements because I don't see them as a practical way to help combat an eating disorder. People have so many different kinds of bodies for different reasons that it makes no sense to me to create an "average" for people to aspire to. It's just another number for us to get stuck on.

My concern is for deegirl to deal with her ED.

[deegirl]

Well, I just tried calling a clinic near here today. I couldn't get to anyone who could help me, though. It appears the person I needed to talk to had stepped out so I left a message.

I did do some counseling back when I was in college. I feel like it helped, but all it got to was learning about the "why" behind everything. I get it now. I know how a lot of things in my past, and a lot of how my personality type is has led to this, but we never got to what came next. I feel like I knew the reasons, but not the way to fix it. It's frustrating to understand why you are doing this, but not know how to stop.

And so it has been one cycle after another. I'll lose the weight, be so happy to see my weight finally within that magical BMI zone, but then it's like I can't keep it up, and I go back to binging and stuffing my face and I put all the weight back on, and then I'm back in the same position of worrying and worrying and thinking I'm fat and ugly.

I know that for me, the BMI obsession started with doctors, which unfortunately has turned me off from them. I feel like I can't trust them. It started when I went to my ObyGyn but my nice doctor had called off or something, so they stuck me with some old man I'd never seen before. I'm sure he's a wonderful doctor, but he had no clue how to deal with his patients. He actually scolded me for "not relaxing" and then when everything was said and done, and I'm sitting there in that stupid paper gown, he told me I was borderline "morbidly obese" (which was a lie, because when I went home and looked at the chart myself, I was borderline "obese" not borderline "morbidly obese). I had always trusted and looked up to doctors, so I took his advice to heart. I went crazy dieting and exercising and lost weight that year, but you can't maintain that forever, or at least I couldn't. But then when you go back to eating plentifully, you feel guilty... the cycle began.

I'm sorry to go off on a tangent like this, I guess I'm just venting, but it's all so frustrating. I know it's not that one instance that was the cause, it's many things built over time, but it only took that one thing to set it off and it's been awful ever since. I dream about what it would feel like to go back before that point. Sure... I was "borderline obese" as he said, and that has i's risks, but despite the health risks, I felt much happier back then, when I wasn't so obsessed with my looks and with food.

I hope this new round of counseling helps and that I can finally be fully recovered. I know I could be worse, I haven't ever done anything until the point of being hospitalized but even these "mild" symptoms are enough to really make life miserable. I wish more people would understand. So many people don't take EDs seriously or make fun of them, my family doesn't take me seriously when I tell them about my issues. I'm so glad my husband has been supportive. I feel like he's the only one who takes me seriously when I'm upset and crying about how much I hate it all, and even he is often confused, not sure how to help. I feel like we can be so happy and smiley on the outside, yet nobody really knows how much it hurts on the inside.

Ughh..