View Full Version : sex and panic attacks

12-04-2001, 10:56 AM
Hi Everyone,
I've been having problems lately with having panic attacks during sex. I don't understand what is going on with me. I feel so out of control. My chest gets tight, and I can't breathe. I just want to cry and fight and scream. I feel like I'm dying. I'm with the love of my life. I love him more then anything in this world so it's not him. He's always very loving and gentle. He doesn't know that I am having this problem either. I don't want to hurt him and this is something I know he would take personally. I feel like I'm the only one who deals with this. It's not all the time either. Grant it, I don't have a sex drive anymore which I think is due to my meds, but If I know we are going to have sex that night, then I can mentally prepare myself for it the whole day, but when it just happens, I panic. It's such an aweful feeling. I just had to get it out.

Allison LHF
12-04-2001, 03:10 PM
At least you've realized that it's the sex part in general that's getting to you, not the person. Do you think he might understand if you explained that? Does he know about your ED? Maybe if you could explain everything you just did here then he'd be able to help you out, like you said, let you know ahead of time so that you can be prepared not scared. (<---I was NOT planning on that rhyme! :sarcasm )

:bounce Allison :bounce

12-04-2001, 06:01 PM
:hugon Liz :hugoff
do you think it could have anything to do with control? just a guess, b/c that is a major thing for me, esp. when it comes to sex. i don't mean like, anything kinky :sarcasm. just that, if i'm not expecting it, if it's not initiated, or just, if i feel that it's not on my terms, i flip out. and i have twice had panic attacks. you are lucky to have someone so loving and caring, maybe he would understand. Allison's idea is very good, but if you could reassure him that it is not HIM that is making this happen, then i'm sure he would not want you to suffer and would rather you were honest. then he could help you to get through it.

you aren't alone Liz. but you obviously have issues that you need to work through. are you in any kind of therapy at the moment? i know where my problems with sex stem from, assault, bad experiences and so forth...
i was just wondering if you have any idea why you might feel this way, or whether it is a mystery.

i hope that you get through this... but i don't think it's something you can get through on your own, and i'm sure your boyfriend will understand, once he gets past his male pride :sarcasm.

sorry, i'm not making much sense. go with allison's idea :cheesy

love Lu. x :xmas

12-05-2001, 09:39 AM
Thanks You guys, for replying. I think I know where a lot of this stems from. I was raped when I was sixteen, and after that I had a lot of bad experiences with being used. I never really dealt with things. I was too busy binging and purging to feel anything. Well, now that I've stopped all these feelings have rushed over me like a tidal wave. I think I just need to deal with my past before I can move forward. It's hard though.
But thanks again for listening and being such a wonderful support.

12-05-2001, 11:40 AM
:hugon Liz :hugoff

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through such a hard time right now.

Honestly, I think that you need to talk to your boyfriend about this. You said that he's the love of your life, and if that's the case, then he should be able to handle this. Let him know how you're feeling, and what you think he can do to help. That way, you can work on it together, rather than feeling like you're in this all alone.

Take care.

12-06-2001, 06:21 PM
:hugon Liz :hugoff

My advice is to talk to your sweetie about this. Explain that you're having trouble separating the past from the present, and that you need his help, :love, and patience while you work through these feelings.

My :angel hubby helped me get over the :scared feelings that came up during sex because of being raped. It wasn't easy, but if we can do it, you can too! :happy

Take care!

12-12-2001, 01:00 AM
Lucidity, I get this way sometimes too.. I am pregnant so my sex drive is pretty much null and void and I get the panics too... mostly filled with feelings of disgust and terror or for some strange reason I imagine him with other girls i know he has been with and if he is comparing me to them. i know he used to think of me when he was someone else (before we got back together again,) Sometimes I even cry because I just cant enjoy it. So you are not alone.

01-15-2009, 12:03 PM
I have the same problem with panic attacks during sex, I have talked to my husband about it and he is very gentle and supportive. I'm not on any meds and I have no bad experiences with sex in the past. I don't know whats going on with me. I also have barely any sex drive. This can't go on. I feel guilty because I can't satisfy my husband and I feel like I'm not a real woman. Any advice would be great.

01-15-2009, 02:46 PM

i had this issue too, and something that's helped me a lot is just having a lot less sex... i don't know how often you and your partner are having sex, but taking a break and feeling safer in bed can help you if you can reframe your thinking without having to engage in sex. this obviously will only work if you talk to your partner honestly! also, see a T and get healthy... sex drive and physical health go hand in hand.

01-15-2009, 07:42 PM
I used to drink, smoke, b/p, and SI and I had an incredible sex drive...the man who is my husband now has seen me through stopping all of those things but now I have no real sex drive. I did all those things for anti-anxiety reasons, for loss of control so that I could have sex, for stopping my thinking,...the problem is now he wants that woman but not the behavior that is "bad". I don't know how to explain to him that changing parts of my coping skills are going to change part of my behavior in other arenas. We seem to be fighting almost every day now that I am healthier and it is scary..to where I almost want to be sicker again but that wouldn't solve anything. He won't go to therapy. I am in therapy and have many doctors helping me with many health issues but he still accuses me of being unhealthy. I really don't know what to do anymore. We are now not talking for the evening.

01-15-2009, 09:01 PM

I can completely relate. I have a very very hard time during sex. I also was assaulted. (it's still to scary for me to use the word r*pe) It's when i lost my virginity....So for me sex was only ever something used to hurt.

When I was with my ex (who i still love) He was very understanding once I explained to him what had happened. This feeling would come and go. Usually I would just tremble and kind of go away in my head...but he wasn't comfortable going....ahead with things...when i was like that. A few times I had full on panic attacks. It got better with time. And there was something very comforting about him holding me after I had had a panic attack. I felt safe. And that feeling made me feel less vulnerable and terrified during sex. It's still a struggle bc for me sex is not something that's good or fun or an expression of love. Since he wanted to do that, it made him unsafe....That might be just specific to me though.

Sorry this is so long. My advice would be to be as honest as you can with him. And start slow. if you're at a point right now where all you can do is hold hands, that's ok. Also, if i'm the one doing the initiating, I tend to do better. Good luck to you. :gimmehug

Navy fish
06-03-2009, 10:00 AM
i have also been having panic attacks during sex.. and i really dont understand.. ive never had any type of relationship problems rather then guys always cheating on me.. my last bf is when this all started towards the end of our relationship i started having them then.. and now with my current bf.. i have them and its starting to scare me because before i would get them right after.. and now im having them during.. and i have no idea why.. im not taking any meds.. or anything.. my bf now.. says it actually turns him on.. the thought that he had that effect on me.. ha.. but i mean to me im younger so i def. still have a pretty strong sex drive.. but the panic attacks are whats starting to scare me so during sex i know its going to come so i feel like i start to tense up and then thats when i start hyperventillating and my chest tightens.. so now my bf always gets me a glass of water and a paper bag and puts it right by the bed before we do anything.. im glad he cares so much.. i just dont know what anxiety im suffering from..