I can't stop! Advice???

[K.elepu]

Hey :fishy!
I'm not doing so good. I told my therapist about my purging and everything in an e-mail on Friday because I couldn't tell him to his face. I have an appointment to meet him on Monday, and I'm TERRIFIED! :ummm
I've been doing this too long now, hell - one day is too long - but ya get the point. I'm :happy I told him, and I feel a little relieved, but I'm really scared about what he's goin to say. I know it'll be a good thing and that it's for the best, but I'm still worried. The thing is that I still cannot stop. In fact, since I told him it's gotten worse! :wacky I was hoping one of you lovelies out there could help!? How did you guys stop??

Hope you're all doing well, and conquering your ED every day. Keep swimming!
:bandwagon
K.elepu

[TLC]

I got worse after I told too. I think that it may be very normal. Since it is how we cope and you are stressing wondering how your t will react you are using your ED more. It is a very scary step you have taken and fear of the unknown can be terrifying. A good t will be understanding and know how to deal with you. You have done something very couragous.

I do not think so much how we stopped our behaviors right now will most likely help you. I think what might be more helpful for you is to maybe make a list of goals that you might want to work on with your t now that you have opened up about the ED. What do you want to do now that you have told? Everyone's recovery is unique and right now trying to figure out how to stop will probably just overwhelm you even more but thinking about what you want for your future can be a positve way to approach your upcoming session with your t. If you go to your session with some goals in mind you may not feel so overwhelmed and powerless. Your t will have goals and thoughts on what he or she wants to do but you also need to start thinking about what you want in the way of recovery. Once you have established these goals then you can start thinking about how to achieve them and discussing how others have been successful in recovery will make much more sense to you.

I could not stop using my ED until I was able to work with my treatment team and understand why I developed my bulimia. I developed it to cope with abuse and other issues in my life. Next I had to learn healthy alternative coping skills to replace the ED so I could stop using them. It was not simply a matter of stopping. I also had to address the issues and I am still addressing the issues that caused me to develop the ED in the first place. It is a very long difficult process that requires many steps to help deal with the various aspects that affect your life and your ED.

You will also need to work with your medical doctor. Working with a nutritionist can be very helpful as well. There are many ED programs that are out and inpatient that can be very succuessful. The bottom line is your desire to recover. Unless you are motivated to stop using the behaviors and to recover no one can make you stop and all of the advice everyone gives you will be meaningless. Only you can make the choice to recover but opening up to your t is a very positive first step.

[Hopeful]

((TLC)) gave some really great advice. I wish there were a 'list' or some manual out there designed for ED people on "How to stop b/p-ing" or "How to recover from ED" (and one that was guaranteed to work/be successful). But I'm afraid there isn't one. Recovery and stopping the behaviors pretty-much varies from one person to the next; but the underlying principles are the same.....it's never about the food. It's always about the "issues" underneath and resolving them. And of course finding new healthier coping skills.

First of all, though I do want to tell you GREAT JOB :winky on having the courage to email your T and tell him about the purging and "everything." Of course you're going to be nervous about it, but you did the right thing. You've opened the door to really buckle down and get to those underlying issues and find out "why" you're using the purging. What triggers it? What can you work on doing instead of purging, etc.? Take it one step at a time and go from there. You'll find that as you're able to open up and talk about what's "really going on" and you work through it, the behaviors will start to decrease. You'll get there. :gimmehug :gimmehug

[K.elepu]

I just want to thank you both SO much! Your advice has really helped me understand that everyone's different and that what's important is figuring out why I use this behavior. I am currently seeing my therapist to deal with and heal from childhood sex abuse and so I have a history of disordered eating and body image. However, the more we delve into my abuse and my emotions about it, the worse I have gotten. It's really very frustrating to have to deal with it and know that I'm getting worse because of it, maybe it's like you have to get worse before you get better type thing...but I really do appreciate your advice. You fishies are very wise! :happy
I hope you're doing well and that everyday you're able to conquer those feelings of reverting back to your ED. You really inspire me, and I thank you so much. :lubdub

:bandwagon
K.elepu

[TLC]

My ED developed also as a coping tool when I was sexually abused as a teen. I also found that as I first started really digging deep into my abuse issues in t that my struggle with my ED became worse. I actaully ended up switching to a new t who is trained specifically in SA and we have concentrated solely on getting my Ed under control and on helping me develop healthier coping skills before we have worked on my abuse issues. I am just now starting to address the abuse with the new t and I have been with her since January.

Since EDs and SA commonly occur together I doubt your t will be surprised. MY old t was not surprised but had never treated anyone with an ED and was not willing to address the ED itself. His take on therapy was that if he made me work soley on the abuse then the coping skills would get eventually get better. I finally realized that he was wrong and left him. Hopefully your t can address all of your issues but do not be scared to advocate for yourself if you feel you need more help with your ED. Continue to be open with your t and let your t know what is working for you. If what you are doing is making you worse ED wise let your t know. He may want to try something different for a bit. Be sure to commincate what you need.

Also like I mentioned before, your medical doctor needs to be made aware that you have an ED and should work with your t and any one else on your treatment team. You should also ask your t if it might be good for you at some point to work with a nutritionist who could help you deal with the ED. Your entire treatment team(t, dr, nutritionist) should be working together. They are working for and with you to help you overcome the abuse and your ED.

Just don't get overwhelmed with recovery. Recovering from abuse alone is very difficult. It is a slow process as well to recover from an EDs. Try to take one day at a time and be gentle with yourself.

[K.elepu]

I'm really :happy to hear that you have been able to overcome the ED, and I hope you're doing well in recovery. I pray you're able to work through the emotions of the abuse. It's unfortunate and unjust, among other things, but I know you can do it! I've been seeing my t since January as well, and it's very difficult, as I'm sure you know. It's really nice to know there's someone else out there trying hard to get through something similar, and who has battled her ED. You're very inspiring to me...thanks :cutieTLC:cutie.

I just wanted to let you know how my meeting went on Monday. Sorry I wasn't able to update this sooner, but I haven't had the time. He reacted perfectly, or at least it was the perfect way he could have reacted for me. He was extremely understanding, non-judgemental, and was very enthusiastic about coming up with a plan to get out of this cycle. He made me feel very comfortable about talking to him about my behavior, which is HUGE considering that I have been absolutely terrified of how he would react. I have a new attitude towards stopping and recovering, and I am hopeful for the future without it. I know it's going to take a while, as my eating has been disordered for the majority of my life, but I know it's possible to be 'normal' about eating, or at least very close to it.

Thank you for reassuring me to be my own advocate in this, and to voice how I feel about my recovery. I do think, though, that I am going to stick with the t I have now. Luckily, he is very understanding and we work really well together. His approach to this is working well for me, and I couldn't be happier about it.
I hope everything is going well for you, and all the other :fishy out there. Keep swimmin!:shy

K.elepu
:bandwagon

[TLC]

I am glad that everything is going great. You sound like you are very much on the right track and very determined to recover. I think that having a t that is understanding and supportive is what has helped me the most. It has also meant so much that she is very gentle and never judges me.

Remember to be gentle with yourself. You need to focus on your accomlpishments and remember that recovery is a slow journey. When you slip up do not wallow in guilt and shame but remember your successes knowing that you will sip up but are also capable of bouncing back and succeeding again.

I have a wonderful and wise friend who cheers me on and reminds me over and over to be kind and gentle to myself and to remember that the road to recovery takes years. This is very important to remember for me because I have only been on this road since January. I have no doubt that if I can go from b/ping seven or more times a day to once or twice a month in such a short time that I have a lot of power and strength within myself to succeed. I also have to realize that having had bulimia for over twenty years with no one knowing it and no one treating me that my recovery is thus far miracilous. If I can do this I have no doubt you can do this as well. I wish you luck on your journey:)