BellaDiva
06-24-2001, 07:25 PM
Hi, I'm having a confusing time of things. It's like the restricting has eased up but now I'm binging almost. I don't feel in control but I'm not sure if it's that my life is so out of control or that I'm being totally wacked about food. I mean, one good thing is that I haven't even tried to estimate how many calories I've had today. (Well I hadn't until I realized I hadn't and now I'm trying to but hey...) But I'm morbidly obese and my weight loss has stopped. Normally I'm a fat activist. But, right now a big part of me is going eeep what if I don't lose any more? I wonder if I set myself up for this in that a big goal of mine was to get below a certian number and I've done that but now... now I'm at a standstill. But like I've said I'm eating more than I was so what's happening is logical. But I'm *so* stressed out. I leave for vacation in thirty-four days. I move to where I'll be going to grad school in thirty-seven days. I start grad school Aug fifthteenth. My stuff just arrived from MD complete with a substantial amount of mouse poop. My Dad is being a pain in my rump. Mom is being herself. I dunno, the stress is enormous. It's amazing that I'm not even more obviously coping with food. I've considered going back to my food journal just to get an idea of where I'm at with the food thing. But, the last time I did that I got so obsessed. It started my current counting habit. Tomorrow is probably the last therp appointment for a while. :sad I don't know what to do. I've started drinking coffee again. And it really should be decaf because of anxiety but I don't want to do decaf. I'm just craving sugar and fat. It's total emotional eating. If it were nutritional needs cravings I'd be craving broccoli or something. I guess this is better than restricting... I don't know. I have energy at least. But if I keep up this dessert fest I'll start to feel sluggish. I'm also not meditating. I can't do it. I don't feel comfortable enough to relax.
I wish I knew how I felt or what I needed/wanted in the way of support. I know I'm confused and unsettled and unsafe feeling and stressed and afraid and sullen. And I wanted people to listen to me ramble about food stuff. And if anyone has anything to say that they think might be helpful please do so. Advice, I've been theres, anything pretty much other than put downs or overly zealous hugs.
Something positive... I see CrushPerson in like thirty-four days. I have my Depeche Mode CDs back. I see my therp tomorrow. I didn't have to go to the grocery store today. I haven't p'ed in weeks even tho I've b'ed. :happy
I wish I knew how I felt or what I needed/wanted in the way of support. I know I'm confused and unsettled and unsafe feeling and stressed and afraid and sullen. And I wanted people to listen to me ramble about food stuff. And if anyone has anything to say that they think might be helpful please do so. Advice, I've been theres, anything pretty much other than put downs or overly zealous hugs.
Something positive... I see CrushPerson in like thirty-four days. I have my Depeche Mode CDs back. I see my therp tomorrow. I didn't have to go to the grocery store today. I haven't p'ed in weeks even tho I've b'ed. :happy