I don't know where I should be, can you help?

[Inner Oblivion]

Hi all, this is my first post.

I wish I was reading more before writing this post, but reading seems to be too hard right now. Like I want to deny, deny, deny. I can't even finish writing a thought now that I found this place with other people who are probably like me.

I feel like there is a curtain stopping me from seeing any solutions, or from even seeing reality. I don't even feel like I live in the real world sometimes.

I thought I was making good strides towards healthy living but now I can't remember feeling hunger, and yet sometimes I binge eat like crazy. Why? And I have discovered the magic of occasional purging. I'm fascinated by it but who can I talk to? I kind of make jokes, because I am a bit of a comedienne, but I eat stuff and then everything starts tasting like fish, or rancid oil, and I feel better for being sick. I am very aware of the process and mechanics and I find it very interesting.

I just wonder if I make sense to anyone? Somehow I doubt it. Good grief. :wacky

[ducksquack]

Good for you for coming here and for posting.

Perhaps a good place to start is with your doctor.
We cant say if you have an ED or not but it does
sound like seeing a medical professional and being
honest would help.

There is lots of support and info here so please
keep reading and posting.

It does get better.

god bless.

[Alethea]

Hi,

welcome to the bowl. You do make sense...I think there are more people who can identify with you than you realise. I just want to echo what ducksquack said - maybe your doctor is a good place to start. Also, maybe consider getting a therapist or some sort of counselling...you say you are aware of the mechanics of your behaviour - but are you aware of the feelings behind it, or what's really going on? It's untangling these issues that can make all the difference.

Keep posting and take care...people do get through!! x

[Inner Oblivion]

Thank you for your replies.

I have a few concerns about going to doctors/therapists (mainly a dependence on drugs and doctors :confused) and I would like to know what others have experienced. I don't trust the medical "industry" anymore, and I am sorry for that. I don't mean to offend anyone in the medical community.

Has anyone had any real progress as an outpatient? I can see inpatient programs being successful.

I went to our family doctor a few years ago, and she gave me antidepressants. They didn't do any good, that I could tell. Most of them make you gain weight! The one I took didn't make me gain weight, but didn't do anything for me either.

I was reading and practicing the principles of "Overcoming Overeating" and found a therapist who said she could work with that, but in reality she wanted me to come in every week, open all kinds of cans of worms as long as we were done in the hour, including blaming my mother, etc., and to diet and deny myself certain foods. When I start introducing the diet mentality back into my life, I start binge eating again. It just didn't help me!

I am a believer in "fake it 'til you make it" but I am having a hard time forcing myself to fake it. I've had a schedule change (do I work or am I stay-at-home again?) I have been overeating and purging lately (am fighting the guilt of eating a half sandwich on a roll that had oil on it for breakfast as we speak because I ate too much this week, and I will be going to lunch in a while and the usual rancid sick feeling has set in).

Well, ideas and input are appreciated.

[freisianfreak]

Unfortunately I wish I could just "fake it" and make my ED go away without dealing with my emotional issues, but that's sort of like saying I'll cure my strep throat by doing some extra jumping jacks. Without the proper antibiotics, the strep is not going to go away.

In that same vein, the ED disease (if you do have it) won't go away unless you treat it with its own version of antibiotics, and that's dealing with the underlying issues/emotions that make you want to engage in that sort of self-destructive behavior in the first place.

The first step is admitting that something is going on and that you need some support. This forum is one way of course, but you definitely should talk to your doctor and find a good therapist. There are many who specialize in EDs, and you can just ask them before you go. Remember, they work for YOU, not the other way around. Find the right one for YOU.

[schnelle]

Hey i am from dallas as well. Presby hosptial has a good ip and op program..

[petals]

Hi! I also live in the same area as you. There is an outpatient program in Denton called Chrysallis. The Presby. program has both IP and OP li.ke Schnelle said. Both are in the treatment finder. Hope you are able to find what you need to recover. Take care.

Hugs,
petals