I'm not sure i want to recover and I'm scared

[ZoeyJubilee]

I think that's the problem for me. I'm reading this book where they describe different symptoms of bulimia, different functions of the disease, different traits common among bulimics like obsession with body image, compulsive behaviors and secretiveness... and low and behold, I engage in most and fit the profile well. I read what other people write, I read about the void the disease places, I read about the numbness, the constant stepping on the scale, the obsession with being thin and beautiful and I can't imagine anything else for myself. Gaining weight during recovery isn't acceptable to me. I don't really like binge eating and vomiting, but I'm not sure if I mind having secrets, I'm not sure if I mind being obsessed with food and shape and devoting myself to this obsession, I love being on a diet, I love feeling hungry, I love having control of this part of my life. It's like, I don't want anything at all to change, I just want to stop binging and purging. Every other symptom besides the bp, I'm clinging to dearly. I like my secrets, I like losing weight, I like eating super healthy and being "weird" or "super healthy" about foods.
And I know, a therapist or a textbook would tell me I'm clinging to this disease because it's become a comfort and a friend to me, but it feels like so much more--it's my entire identity. I don't want to gain weight and become a chubby person I see in the restaurants where I refuse to eat. Sure they're happy and laughing, but I look down on them, even though I know it's wrong. My eating disorder protects me, it gives me an identity--a person who is obsessed with beauty and nutrition and food, and I'm not willing to give any of this up. I'm not ready to being vulnerable. All I want to stop is the binging and purging.

[ZoeyJubilee]

It's like... I read those books and those symptoms and I suddenly feel warm and happy like I fit in. It's so lame.. but it's like, it's where I belong. I don't want to be a restaurant eater... :-\

[Kiita]

i wld like to think there's more then two options in life
i also like a lot of the things i get from purging - i don't really binge that much although on days like today where i've had two meals i feel like i've been binging but realistically i know i haven't
but i would like to think that just because we're not purging doesn't mean we have to become fat and unhealthy - i think its still possible to be healthy and focussed on looking the best u can without having an eating disorder - i know a lot of people who are healthy without ED...that's what I would like - i'm not there yet but i hope

[TLC]

Kiita

First I want to address something you said:

"I would like to think that just because we're not purging doesn't mean we to become fat and uhealthy."

This thought in itself is unhealthy. Your perception is very clouded by your ed. What you consider fat may well not be clinically unhealthy. In your mind it is unhealthy because your ed tells you so. Size does not determine health otherwise why would anorexics die???? Healthy sizes differ from person to person and is not determined by what is viewed in the mirror or by what society says is acceptable.

Being healthy is not about being a certain size. It is about having a healthy mindset as well as a healthy body not being the optimal size your ed tells you one should be. As long as you let your ed dictate what size is healthy most likely you ed will dictate your life.

I addressed this first because quite frankly I find this to be a very dangerous thought. This comment is very misleading. It is stating that if one gains weight during recovery they are becoming unhealthy and fat when gaining weight is the body's natural way of recovering. We already know that during recovery we battle with the fear of gaining weight but I hate to have your comment add the misconception that weight gain makes one unhealthy.

Also, what would be your third option to live sort of with an ed and sort of with out an ed. Face it you have two options: Live with an ed or without an ed. We would all love the third option but it is not a choice. There is not third option. There will never be a third option.

Zoey

Only you can want to recover. No one can make you want what those "chubby" people in the restaurants have. You can choose to stay miserable and sick with a skinny body while you watch the chubby happy people living a satisfying life that they do not have to live behind lies and false pretenses or you can decide that maybe living with lies and secrets in not a very satisfying life.

Personally, I was raised by a family that savored lies and secrets and I despise this life. I want more for myself and my children. I hate b/ping but even more so I hate secrets. I would rather have extra weight and genuine happiness than be skinny and miserable. I hate the hollow emptiness that goes with the secretive behaviors of bulimia. That is not living. I want a long joyful life. I want more than bulimia has to offer. However I fought this for a long time and no one could make me want this. It was something only I could choose.

You can read every book out there and post thousands of posts but this will not change your behaviors. Only a conscience desire to change will do this. You have to want more than stopping b/p. As long as you are embracing your ed you will not give it up. It will consume you. It will eventually kill you. No one can make you stop. It is your choice. You either choose to live with bulimia and deal with the consequences or you choose to fight like hell for a different life without bulimia. The choice is all yours.

[abbybelle]

you can eat healthily & not be "fat", bulimia just screws up your metabolism & your mind! it's made me gain weight... when i am in a binge/purge cycle, eating is my only pleasure & I miss out on all the real pleasures of life... it's hard to get better, but it's worth it! none of us think it's okay to gain weight! it freaks me out i know... but it's not like you have to be fat after you recover. you can eat right & exercise.... and recover... it's worth it... but you have to decide that for yourself! no one can make you get better & it's defintely a moment by moment decision to get better... take baby steps & celebrate the small victories!! you have to work at it and it's a struggle, but the alternative is staying in your current situation... also unacceptable! you know it's a dead end road! move forward, and fight for it! xoxo good luck! also not trying to be condescending, it's only my fifth day b/p free but already i feel so much better... not wasting time hating myself!!! i think we all struggle with this but ultimatelly it's up to us to decide to get better!!!

[PartlySunny]

I have to agree. You either live with ed or you don't. Well said. You may not want to recover, not now. And to be honest, I don't want to sound harsh, but going through treatment, and seeing therapists is near pointless if you are wanting the ed in your life. I can remember, almost down to the exact day, when I decided I didn't want ed in my life. That when my struggle started. I hope that you find that struggle, the struggle that you face in recovery. But, like everyone else said, it's up to you.

[Whitecat]

I understand the frustration with being in treatment and not wanting to give up Ed at the same time. I read your profile, and there seems to be more to you than just Ed.

You say that you want Ed, but think about it...
Do you want to have Ed in a year? ten years? twenty?
I don't want to scare you, it is just the reality that we face. If nothing changes, nothing changes.
For me, it is Ed or life.
I choose life.
I am thinking about you and hoping that you take in some of the things some other people have said!
Love
whitecat

[ZoeyJubilee]

No i know all of you guys are right. And sorry if my post offended anyone--desperate moment last night. It's like, I get really excited about recovery and I throw myself into it, and then I begin to see how much deeper my eating disorder goes, how much of my identity i'd be giving up and all the things I'd have to face. It's been a huge protection to me, an ultimate excuse, and without it i'll have to open myself to being open, vulnerable and intimate with other people, and I'm suddenly terrified by that prospect. I know it sounds crazy, but not having an ED will rob me of every excuse I have to remain the way I am in regards to my relationships with other people, and I am just terrified that I'm not ready.

[TLC]

i don't think you offended anyone. I know you did not offend me. i was just be completely honest with you. I know that is what I need to hear. I do not need to be coddled like a baby. I need to here the hard facts.

I fully understand how feel about your identity being defined by your ed. Your ed wants you to believe this. Only you will know when you are ready to find your identity outside your ed.

It is not an easy journey. I am scared shitless. Sometimes I want to run just as fast as I can back into the comfortable and familiar arms of bulimia but there is a much stronger part of me that wants a better life. Yes it is very scary to walk towards the unknown. I can not look at the overall picture for the future. I can only take baby steps or I will be overwhelmed but it is a journey I am ready for and want to take. It is not a journey any one else could make me make. I had to choose it myself. I also have to choose the course of it. Others can guide me but it is my journey and I must find my own way.

[PartlySunny]

I think all of us here have been in your place, scared, unsure, lonely, etc. It's tough, and we just want you to be in a better place. Take care of your self.

[ZoeyJubilee]

Yeah. The truth is that without my ED I have to face the real issues in my life, and doing that is scary. Every time I relapse in bp and bulimic behaviors, dieting obsessions, I indulge in feeling bad about myself, feeling like a victim, feeling scared about health risks, feeling like I can pinpoint a problem to weight loss or uncontrollable hunger... and I can ignore the things that I binged precisely to forget. I think it just takes a little while longer to overcome than I imagined.

[TLC]

It is no doubt a slow process. It is also not easy.