could really use some thoughts/challenges

[tobefree]

:redflagMentions some behaviors:redflag














Hello :bandwagon,

I am struggling so much with recovery right now. I have been b/p free for seventy nine days and I know this is a good thing. The problem is::trigger I threw out my favorite jeans this weekend because they did not fit properly anymore :cry. I know that this is not the biggest deal, and likely not the real issue, but it has definately spiraled me into restriction mode. I'm stuck and I am having trouble pulling out of this despite many, many arguments in my head.


I know that I can't expect things to turn out differently if I use the same behaviors from the past
I know that this is jeopordizing my resources to not b/p[LIST]
I can't stop my brain from swirling long enough to "do the next right thing" and I feel overwhelmed by that ed voice

Any concrete ideas or challenges are welcome. :ohboy

[ZoeyJubilee]

I know exactly where you're coming from, although Im not really b/p free for nearly as long a time as you are. I just posted about trying to normalize my eating, and all I want to do is engage in the previous countermeasures I've taken to stop weight gain--exercise, fasting, etc. Every night I have urges to go into weight loss mode the next day, and it's all I can do to stop myself.

I'm not sure if this will help you, but have you heard of set point theory? It's something that is keeping me going that they outline in my bulimia book. Initially after coming off a diet, people tend to gain weight when normalizing their eating habits. However, the weight gain usually doesn't spiral upwards uncontrollably, and usually evens out around a weight that the body finds ideal to function well. This could even mean that evnetually, once your body realizes it's not in starvation mode, you naturally lose a bit of weight and even out somewhere (maybe not as thing as you'd like). I've heard girls here say this has happened to them. Of course there is no gaurantee, but it's keeping me going.

[tobefree]

Thanks ZoeyJubilee,
I have heard of set point theory, my n continuously reminds me about this:cheesy. I rationally know that where I think I need to be and what is natural are very different. It seems so pointless to keep shooting for something that is not naturally occurring. I keep telling myself that after all is said and done I will still have to deal with all the refeeding crap if I don't just keep plugging forward. I hear you about the every night I decide to lose weight thing.....that is me and I've been pretty good until recently about not acting on this. I feel like I just exchange one bad solution for another.

[Whitecat]

I love what you said tobefree "I feel like I just exchange one bad solution for another" yes yes yes.
It rocks that you chucked those jeans. It takes a lot to get rid of those things that you feel so attached to like that, it took me a long time to get rid of some of my most ridiculous clothing items. After they were gone, though, I really forgot about them. Reading this, I remember a pair of jeans that I really liked, but were not healthy. I don't miss them, because they were during a time where my life was spiraling out of control and I thought that those jeans/size/weight was the solution.

I am not saying it will be easy! It sounds like you are on the right path. Swinging to the other spectrum of Ed is equally dangerous and you deserve better. You deserve to be free (:
Take care of yourself and keep swimming!
Whitecat

[tobefree]

Whitecat,

As usual your comments are true and helpful. I seriously cried when you validated the whole jeans thing. I guess that it just speaks to the fact that smaller jeans are not the solution to the problem. I just feel like crap right now.I'm not loving recovery and I am really hating the avalanche of feelings coming along with it. I feel like there is a tug of war in my brain. One side says:
Ditch the scale it's not helping
Ditch the ridiculously small clothes they are just a reminder of "fantasy" perfection
Yell at the voice that is putting you down: I'm too fat, I'm a loser, I s***"
Sleep more, eat more, STOP EXERCISING LIKE AN INSANE WOMAN


The other side says:
Don't give up, pretty soon you will be perfect and those too small jeans will be too big
Don't give in, if you do you will never stop eating
No one else really knows how it is for you and you must keep a tight reign on everything in your life in order for things to not spiral out of control
If you're going to feel bad you might as well feel thin and bad as opposed to f** and bad


I really feel like all I am is just an ed. Just when you think that you are stronger than the ed you come face to face with some overwhelming resistance that allows it to become stronger, louder, and more controlling than ever. I hate to use the word hopeless but that's how it feels right now.

[Whitecat]

I like how you divided up the two sides in your head - it is truly a war! To be honest, I feel like you are winning. It is so refreshing to hear you say that you are not in love with recovery! I know that sounds weird, but it is so true. Who wants to feel emotions!? I mean, feeling sad, lonely, tired, angry sucks. Deep down, I think you know there is hope for all of us, no matter how bleak it may seem.

Being honest with myself about what I am thinking helps sometimes. Sometimes I feel shame for thinking that fat = bad, but that is the reality of Ed. It doesn't mean we are unethical and cruel people, it just means that we suffer from a disease that plays with our eyes about how we actually look and places its values on us (i.e. it is better to be thin that fat). Usually talking about my thoughts or writing them down shows me how ridiculous they are. I do the same black and white thinking that you are speaking of (don't eat, over eat). There is a gray area with all of this. I have spoke with some people who have recovered from other addictions, and they have said that finding that gray area in all aspects of their lives really helps. I still fall into Ed's black and white thinking sometimes, but lately I have started to see that middle path is the way for me.

Restricting leads to as much pain as b/p. I think someone told me once that I need to go straight through the storm rather than trying to find ways around it.
You can do it. I believe in you.
Love
Whitecat
p.s. i ran my scale over with my car - get rid of that thing!!!

[tobefree]

Whitecat,

OMG!!! I can't believe that you said you ran your scale over with your car!!!! I woke up this a.m. and thought to myself: I am going to put the scale behind my back tire and run it over. That is just too funny. Still haven't done it though. I like the thought of going straight to the storm...it's right in front of me and I'm runnin for cover. UGH. I read another post somewhere that said it is a cognitive/emotional disconnect, that whole argument in the head. Sometimes I think that I'm truly insane:scared.It just helps to know that there are other people fighting the same fight. Thank you. :love

[Whitecat]

That is the best part of SF, I used to think that I was so alone, but when I read these posts, I realized that I am just another fishy trying to get through this disease. We are never alone (:
I hope you had a good day!
Much love,
Whitecat