I dont want to be a doll anymore!!!

[fefa]

Ok, again here I am, but I really need to vent a little bit today. I am sad right now, feeling lonely! I feel that I just want to cry but I just can´t. I guess I am also angry right now! Angry about myself! Angry about ME! And I am tired of destroying me and putting my angry inside me instead of saying to others what is bothering or doing something that may release my angry to the world! whitout hurting myself!What is the point of this thread? I just dont want to be a doll anymore! Why do i say that I am a doll? Because I care for what other´s say, and I try to do everything they want me to do. Sometimes i can say no, but other times it is so hard! I guess i still live for the others and not live for ME!
I am tired of being a doll
I am tired of not knowing what I DO WANT TO DO!
I am tired to worry about things I just cant control like the weather ( i say that because I may go on a trip but it all depends on the wheater!)
I am tired of living according to my agenda and not letting things happen.

I am not a doll! I am not a machine! I am just a human being. But where I AM? WHO I AM? I still dont know!

what irritates me a lot is this doll thing. My T said to me today because of my relationship with my mom that I am her doll and she is my doll! That we just dont know who each of us are and that is so sad!

This last days I kind of relapse and I didnt like that. I was on vacation too so maybe part of it was normal. But I ate more then I needed and I havent done that in three years. Guess lots of feeling are behind that but I do need to know which feeling was behind it.

Feeling I can breath now, at least a little bit! it was good to write, and if anyone could challenge me a little bit for me to go back on track that would help a lot!!
thank you all
Love
fefa

[watercolor]

:gimmehug Fefa!!!!

Good job explaining your upset.

That is a hard thing, to figure out who you are.

Forget the behavior relapse, it's about the feelings, right?

So how did you feel when your T said that? What does that mean to you?

[fefa]

:hugon watercolor :hugoff

Thank you for your words!! it really means a lot to me. Sometimes, since english is not my first language I think that I cant express myself very well, but guess I did express.
I will try to forget about the relapse because it is not good to be punishing me more.
Yes, for me it has a lot of to do with the feelings, but I need to pay more attention to my feelings because sometimes I totally disconect from what I am feeling and that makes things harder for me. Sometimes I am so afraid to feel that I just ignore them. But I also do understand that whenever you feel you are alive and not being a doll, or a machine.
you asked So how did you feel when your T said that?

I felt very :reallymad :reallymad :reallymad althought I know that she is totally right about that. But I could express myself to my t and said that I was mad and she said that it was good for me to tell her that because if not I tend to stop speaking or expressing myself even to my T whom I know very well. I guess I am feeling mad, and angry and I just dont know what to do or how to direct that angry. i am in ioga class and I cant imagine myself witjout doing it. if I am feeling this way right now and doing it, imagine if I wasnt doing!

What does that mean to you?
That means that is time for me to separate myself from my mom and starting having my own life. But that´s pretty hard and new. I am thirty two and still live at home (Money situation and where I come from this is very normal...) It is like every day I talk to my mom on the phone, like I was a small kid. Every where I go I tend to tell her what I am doing or when I dont she asks me, but she does that because I dont set any limits or boundaries to her. I know that this most ends but it still is hard. It is like there is just my mom on the world, and I cant imagine myself without her. I may go on a trip this week and sometimes I feel scary of going but if I dont go, I will never know how it would be. I remenber that when I was young, I had the guts to go to the usa for a year and stay with a family that I didnt know. i wish I had that guts again!

Guess now you can understand a part of what is going on with my life right now. Just a part!

take care

[watercolor]

:gimmehug Fefa

It's so hard to have financial problems. It really curtails you a lot.

I like what you said about being disconnected to feelings sometimes.
That is a very wise and aware discovery about yourself.
Me, I have used food to help me disconnect from feelings.
The way some people use alcohol or drugs.
Everything was okay as long as I had a big bowl of ZZZZ in front of me.
But we know better now. And we want better for ourselves.

I agree with your T - better to feel anger than feel nothing.
Recovery is all about the feelings, isn't it?

[arlyn]

I know how hard it is to seperate from ones mom. I live in Ca and my mom in Mi but still am very emeshed. I had gotten better before I got ill with non ed issues. What helped me when I was better with this was to use my voice regardless if things changed.You see some of the things you do that keep you as what you say a young child so what are some ways to break these and set boundaries? I do know it is harder when you live under her roof but still some things can be done. Snce you are tired of a lot and I can relate what are some ways to work past these? I have a huge issue with anger and it is hard for me to feel it with out going back on it and or saying sorry. It is a feeling and just because you get upset or angry at someone for ex it doesn't mean you don't care or love them. I hope you get back on track

[fefa]

:hugon watercolor :hugoff
Yes, recovery is all about feeling!! :supergrin
:hugoff arlyn :hugoff
You are so right! Some things most be done,like whenever I go out and I feel the urge to call mommy, I shouldnt call or maybe I can call a friend of mine and try to understand why am I willing to talk to her again? It is scary, and hard as you said, but this most happen. My T also told me this week that it is like, one time you go and feel afraid, the next time you go and feel freedon and that´s what I need. Not being afraid of her reaction is another question, but i guess I need to trust my own self!
With all the support I am going back on track. thank you very much for listening to me!

[ducksquack]

I understand the financial issues and also some of the cultural issues
you have and that mom is the only person left. That does make it
hard but also not impossible.

I will not let the fear of WHAT if to ruin the join of what is.

You are thirty-two and an adult and we do need to set our own safe
and healthy boundaries with everyone. You have a T and can ask
for and work with them on defining what is needed and then work
on slowly putting them in place.

You can do this and deserve to have some responsibilities without
always checking with or getting mom's approval.

Good luck and god bless.