so small, so pathetic

[doodleforty-six]

moved from a/b recovery or anorexia forum


I feel so small and pathetic right now.

Here's the story:
On Monday I saw my T and we discussed where things are at. I was honest about everything. We agreed I need something more since I can't seem to pull myself out of the gutter, so to speak. I thought maybe a day program if I could get a partial scholarship to pay for it for a few weeks till a new insurance cycle begins. She thought residential as the program near me hasn't exactly worked very well in the past and she doesn't have much confidence it would do much for me now either. So she asked me to look into my coverage for january and check into what facilities medicare might cover now as well. So I did that and emailed her the info.

My T forwarded the info with an email to my PDoc who in turn forwarded everything to me (including her email which has me seething right now) along with a one line statement asking me to be honest with myself and consider my ability to get better in my current environment. OK, fine - fair enough. Challenging, yes - provokes a bit of, "what does he really think of me?".
I don't know if he realizes he forwarded everything to me???? Because my T's email makes me sound manipulative, pathetic, and like a treatment whore.
She said the one assignment I seemed 'eager' to do was the research into insurance (read: treatment whore), that I am doing x,y,z, and 'who knows what else' (read: manipulative), and if I can swing the nearly thousand dollar deductible at the medicare covered facility perhaps I should go as she doesn't see any 'self-correcting' happening (read: pathetic).

Why do I feel like such a sh*t right now? My team thinks I'm horrible! How can I possibly continue to see them? How do I handle this?

I am angry and hurt.

[katydidmom]

doodle,

I'm sorry you got all the attachments. I'm betting your PDoc isn't that hot with the intricacies of those interweb tube things. :winky

Tone is very hard to convey properly in email, and even harder to interpret, especially when you are hearing it filtered through ED. Is it possible that your T was actually looking at it from a positive perspective and trying to get your PDoc to agree? T may have been happy that you were willing to do the one assignment, wanted to sum up what's going on for PDoc, and was recommending the IP after you both agreed it might help you take a step up?

I think it takes a lot to agree that IP may be a step in the right direction, and maybe ED doesn't like that so much?

[naritai]

Because you have the e-mail, the only way to find out what she REALLY thinks, is to ask. I haven't seen the real e-mail, so I don't know what she said.

Here are some other things she could have meant...
.
She said the one assignment I seemed 'eager' to do was the research into insurance (read: willing to go, ready for treatment, but otherwize your stuck at the moment ), that I am doing x,y,z, and 'who knows what else' (read: that your actions show you are a tleast prepared to look into more treatment ), and if I can swing the nearly thousand dollar deductible at the medicare covered facility perhaps I should go as she doesn't see any 'self-correcting' happening (read: that you are not doing well on your own, and perhaps a more structured environment can curve behaviors, instead of you trying on your own.).

I think showing that you want more treatment isn't a sign of negative things- it is a sign of how serious it is that you are willing to spend time, and money looking up resoures for you to get better- when you can't curve the behaviors on your own. Its also a sign that you are more likely to be compliant with inpatient treatment, and do the program.

:challenge If you are worried that she is reading into correct things, write a list of WHY you want to go to treatment. Do include things like "want to feel included, safe and comforted" if that is something you get out of IP. Also include things like "strugglign to think about healthy behaviors alone", "can't seem to get myself healthy enough to process strong emotions" whatever benifits there are.

[petals]

Doodle,

Put the e-mail up for tonight...your ED is having a field day with it. Allow yourself to be angry, sad, or any other emotions you are feeling and feel them...(yes, I am taking my own advise). Call your husband and speak openly with him...tell him what it is that you do not want to happen. He may ask you how you are going to achieve this--so take your time to think what the next right step will be for you. Journal about the questions, thoughts, and emotions this e-mail has brought up or print up your post--then journal. At your next appointment, bring the forwarded e-mail, your questions and ask your therapist to explain what she meant...reading the tone in an e-mail is difficult so she may have had a different thought when writing it...explain how it made you feel when you received it... I am so sorry that this situation has happened. All I can do tonight is send you some extra gentle hugs:gimmehug:gimmehug, be hear for you to talk with (call anytime you need to.) and remind you to tear some magazines if the urge hits...it really does offer relief...(ask my former roommate :winky). Take care and know that you are cared deeply about.

Hugs,
willow
PS You may also want to do the same with the other Dr. who responded.

[nc]

Your T did not actually say anything that you are attributing to her. Ask yourself why you are choosing to think the worst about her and about yourself. Does this get you "off the hook" regarding a higher level of care if you think these things?

Here is how I interpret what she wrote:

She said the one assignment I seemed 'eager' to do was the research into insurance: I see this as her acknowledging your willingness to do what you need to do try to get the level of care you need.

that I am doing x,y,z, and 'who knows what else': I read this as her making sure your psych understands how ill you actually are so that you don't get mixed messages as well as being realistic that often ED patients will have other behaviors which we try to keep secret out of shame or we just don't acknowledge as being a problem.

and if I can swing the nearly thousand dollar deductible at the medicare covered facility perhaps I should go as she doesn't see any 'self-correcting' happening: Again, I see this as her validating how hard this is for you and the fact that you have reached a point where you can't seem to pull yourself out without more intensive help.

Seeing it from another point of view is there anything in there that isn't correct? Again, ask yourself what is they payoff in distorting her words?

[doodleforty-six]

I am still struggling with how I read into the email sent to my PDoc from my T. I feel so ashamed of myself and defeated by it somehow.

:hugon katydidmom :hugoff
Is it possible that your T was actually looking at it from a positive perspective and trying to get your PDoc to agree? T may have been happy that you were willing to do the one assignment, wanted to sum up what's going on for PDoc, and was recommending the IP after you both agreed it might help you take a step up?
It is possible. I interpreted my PDoc's email to me as a frustrated statement/question of my true abilities. He thinks I can manage outside of treatment and am just acting out in order to get myself back there because it 'feels' safer than my current situation. Or not - I can't even tell anymore.

:hugon Naritai :hugoff
If you are worried that she is reading into correct things, write a list of WHY you want to go to treatment.
* I am having extreme difficulty thinking and acting on healthy thoughts
* I feel as though I keep missing something while in treatment and am searching for what that may be, i.e., why I don't rely on skills taught, enforce upon myself a simple meal plan, and think I am special and can 'get away' with using behaviors
* I am unmotivated, distracted, and consumed by thoughts of food, calories, etc.
* I appreciate the supportive/safe environment
* I am drawn to self-destruction, feel worthless, and undeserving of self-care
* I want to figure out why 'sickness' seems so much more attractive to me than health
I do not want to go to treatment again because:
* People will think I am a chronic treatment junkie
* I feel as though I may be looking for an escape from life
* Being closely monitored and gaining weight is extraordinarily uncomfortable
* I feel worse about my body in ip and am triggered constantly by comparisons
* I tend to fight the system in some way each time I go, wasting valuable time and resources
* There is no one to watch my dog
* It's a disruption
* I worry my husband will up and leave me as this is a complete drain on our relationship

:hugon Willow :hugoff
Thank you :touched . I have journaled a little bit about this 'incident', but am still quite focused on what has happened and the shock of it as opposed to really processing it. I think bringing the email to my next appt. on Monday is a good idea. I really don't know how to approach this! I see my PDoc on Friday and am not quite sure if I should do the same exact thing. I know I need to say how I feel to both of them - a bit unsupported by him, ridiculed by her, and portrayed as a pathetic drain on everyone that needs to be shoved aside. It is just so hard for me to be confrontational and to express myself. I have the strong impulse to cancel all appts. and say SCREW IT! I'm done with you people who think sh*t of me!

:hugon nc :hugoff
why you are choosing to think the worst about her and about yourself. Does this get you "off the hook" regarding a higher level of care if you think these things?
I think it's my natural inclination to think the worst of myself and the person who precipitated those feelings. I am feeling as though I should not pursue more intensive treatment right now, so I gather I have let myself "off the hook" for now. My mother is encouraging me to look for 'free' treatment if I absolutely need to go, i.e. NYSPI at Columbia. I am afraid to call now.

Seeing it from another point of view is there anything in there that isn't correct? Again, ask yourself what is they payoff in distorting her words?
I must admit that the way you dissected it does take the sting out a bit and make it seem more benign. Though I just can't help imagining what the both of them really think of me every time I think about the email. It's just eating at me. I honestly don't know what the payoff is. I feel so torn right now. It hasn't inspired me to do better as of yet. I feel completely and utterly confused as though she is saying, "you need ip" and my PDoc is saying, "it's all in your head." Is she telling me what she thinks I want to hear and using some kind of loony psychological trick to get me to do better? What is my PDoc saying? That I'm fine, or I'm not fine? Aaaarrggghhhh! Why can't I decide for myself how I'm doing and what I need? Why do I feel so incapable of judging for myself? Because I just don't trust myself with anything.

[doodleforty-six]

I emailed my PDoc and asked if his intent was to forward all the emails to me.
He said no. He just hid forward and not to worry there is no hidden message behind it.

That still doesn't settle what I am interpreting from my T's words......

I had a kinda crappy day. Difficulty eating, didn't shower, stayed around the house mostly. I feel depressed and rather hopeless. My mom came down on me, as in she told me I'm destroying both her and my father and they can't take it anymore. I miss my grandma, she died in september and I never got to say goodbye or see her before she passed for quite some time. I feel sad and guilty.

:gimmehug would be appreciated

[petals]

Doodle,

Hi sweetie! I am glad that you heard back from your doctor and he said that he didn't mean to forward the e-mail on to you. Re-read what nc wrote yesterday...I know how upset you have been today so here are some extra gentle hugs :gimmehug:gimmehug:gimmehug:gimmehug--I am proud of you for making it through your lunch today...I know that it was extremely difficult:yay--call anytime you need to.

Hugs,
willow

[doodleforty-six]

My reasons for staying out of treatment seem solid to me, but I find that they are not motivating me enough. Am I in denial that my behavior is really harmful and will land me in the hospital despite the current opportunity to stay out? I can't quite tell.....

I keep telling myself, I do NOT want to go back inpatient, but all my actions speak otherwise. I just don't get myself anymore.

I think I need a new T. I don't believe I am getting anywhere with mine and am bothered by recent events. It seems all we talk about is treatment and never actual issues. Nothing is getting resolved!

[doodleforty-six]

I'm bumping this up, because I have therapy tomorrow and I'm wondering if anyone has any advice on if I should say something and perhaps what????

I did speak to my PDoc about the emails and he apologized for forwarding all of them to me, but said he did not interpret what my T wrote the same way I did. He said it is simply stating I am having difficulty following the plan and my T is doubting the effectiveness of OP treatment.