Sinking Into Depression

[CornflakeGirl]

I'm having a pretty difficult day. I was supposed to be going to stay with my dad this weekend because my mother and sister have gone on holiday, but when it came round to it I just couldn't face it. I'm currently in the sort of mind-set whereby all I want is to just hide away from everything until this passes.
I'll tell you how it started. I began this week eating properly. I don't want to damage my body, I don't want to be feeling worthless because of weight for the rest of my life. And I certainly DO NOT ever want to find myself leaning over a toilet seat throwing up what was left of a cheese sandwich that I decided afterwards was "too much". So there I was, eating normally and feeling pretty good, too. I felt as though I was actually losing weight because I wasn't experiencing any 'disruption', if you get my meaning. I was merely eating when physically hungry and not restricting anything. I even cut out caffeine! My main vice has to be that, even though sometimes I'm practically paralized with migraines lol. Anyway, I don't know if this is common, but what I sometimes find is that my digestive system kind of goes into slight confusion when I start eating properly again and I get indigestion, bloating etc etc you get the picture. But yesterday was most definately a "fat day". Today, too. I thought I'd weigh myself to check and once again I was absolutely disgusted with the readings. I know it's not something I should do, but I have to - I like weighing myself to keep an eye on how things are. I spent a while sobbing and moaning that "it's not fair!" and then picked myself up. I mean, I still feel like shit but I'm not in tears about it. I just hate feeling depressed because of this. My dad's girlfriend is bigger in size than me yet she looks amazing. I wouldn't call her fat, but I'd call myself it.
I'm never usually influenced by magazines, but reading the Britney article which called her "flabby" when she was at a pretty normal weight, and seeing skinny people like Mischa Barton being reported as "flaunting her curves on the beach" just makes me sink even further.

I actually feel kind of like I wouldn't mind if I were to die. I don't want to, I hate the thought of passing but I've reached that point where my future hangs in limbo because of my inability to see anything in it and my mental and physical self is disgusting me that I just think "well, what's the point?". My dad and his girlfriend came down this afternoon I think to try to cheer me up, but I'm just at a stage of hopelessness that it's only me who can get me out of it and I'm not sure if I can or ever will.

[bunki]

I know that ED's are not about weight and size etc. However, I have to say something about the Britney thing. It made me furious when headlines were mocking her weight. I was also happy to see that so many news shows, celebs etc. came to her defense about the weight issue. I'm not a fan of hers, but there was no way she looked flabby, fat or any of the things said about her body.
One thing I found very interesting was an interview with a guy who writes for a mens magazine. This guy was gorgeous! He said that his mag. did a survey about this topic and no men interviewed thought she was too big. The sad thing is that most of the critism came from women! I think it's really sad that women put so much pressure on each other to look a certain way.
I know it's easy to listen to the media and get really discouraged. You have to remember that even these celebs don't look the way they are portayed. We'd all look great if we were air brushed and professionally made up and dressed!
I'm sorry you're feeling so hopeless and it is hard to pull up and out of it. Yes, you have to do it for yourself, but, you can also ask for help from the people around you! You said your dad and his girlfriend came to cheer you up. That means that they care about you. Sometimes when I'm feeling really bad, it hard to see the positives. You just need to believe that if others care about you, you ARE worth caring about! :love

[Jik]

Cornflakegirl,

Let's take a look at this. You began the week feeling positive but then the media and other things started eroding that upbeat feeling away.

You know what? We can look at every other person in the world and convince ourselves that we are less than because they have more than us, they are smaller than we are, they have a better job, etc.

Good self esteem comes from inside of us. It is impossible to keep those positive feelings if we use outside world as the literal measuring stick of our worth.

The :challenge here is how can you begin to turn these negative thoughts and beliefs around. Can you start by not taking the rag mags to heart? Can you perhaps remind yourself that the more sensational the more likely they are to sell? Can you remind yourself that the more angst a celeb has the more likely the average person is to buy an issue?

The :challenge is to learn how to love, like and admire yourself for who you are not who you are compared to x, y or z.

I am going to have to close this post because of your expression of hopelessness and all that goes with it. It is imperative that you get a hold of someone. Call your T, go to the hospital, but reach out.

Please feel free to come back and work on the challenges though.

Joy

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