How to find myself again?

[santagaria]

Hello :sfishy s

My nick is Santagaria and I'm new to this forums. I hope to find some information that can help me to overcome my ED. I'm currently still a student and I hope I can manage my high school graduation, even with my ED.

I'm struggling with my weight for a long, long time now. I've been overweight, only slightly, but still I was. And i'm on the best way to get there again. The former years haven't been easy for me- parents got divorced when I was still very young, I've been torn apart between this and that family, not knowing where I belong, then I got addicted by the WWW (it's better now, I have a more regular usage now :happy..), and then I got to the struggle with my weight. I tried to lose weight again and again, and then, seeing it didn't work, after one year or so, I went to my doctor and told him about my eating habits and everything I am afraid of (which has been (still is of course, what a pity :(...) that I'll always be alone because I started to isolate myself and that I'm, so to say, "not myself anymore"?) and well, he told me I better should have a therapy,...
Well as you surely can guess I've been pretty worried and confused, but I searched for a therapist and in the moment we're trying to get the application for the health insurance through... (Don't worry, I've been to three/four therapists and I liked this one well :)..)

But I'm so afraid of the future, really. It's good that I will start a therapy, I know, but it's so hard to go on inbetween! The next appointment is in two weeks or so and I'm having a very bad time :(. I'm not living at home in the moment (Staying with my father, because home is like hell to me... I'm not getting beaten or anything, it's just that no one cares for me. Home is where my mother and her man live and I'm like no one there. Like I wouldn't exist at all.) and school is really busying myself this time but no matter how much I should be doing, learning or anything -- I'm sitting here and the thought of my ED doesn't go away :ugh
I should go and search for a job I can do besides school but I cannot brace myself up for anything at all... it's not only a current state, it's been like this for months now. My doctor told me also i had something with my thyroid (hypothyroidism) and I'm getting tablets now, to stabilize my hormonal balance.

Well, my worst problem is that I have no self-esteem at all, I'm shy at school and I rather make myself an outsider, though I'm not this way. I don't know who I am, who I want to be and who i can be... What will come next? What am I to do? Will things go on like this forever?
I am so alone and I'm feeling disgusted by myself because I'm drowning in self-pity! How I am to go on with all this shi...?? There's so much I still want to do but there are always this BUTs in my head... oh man... :(...


Sorry for wailing, but I'm so lost right now. I feel like I want to sleep the whole day and seeing no one at all. :cry

Santagaria

PS: I think I forgot to mention that I suffer from binge-eating.

[Whiplash]

Santagaria,

I'm sorry you're feeling lost right now. It sounds like you have a lot of turmoil in your life, some of which is out of your control, like your parents. I'm glad you're at your dad's now, since you seem more comfortable there.

I've felt lost and out of touch with myself too, and what dragged me out of that was doing things that were meaningful to me, making sure I took care of myself, and spending time with my friends. I read and learned things that were interesting to me...Just taking joy in simple things makes life meaningful. Also, it sounds like you have a lot of negative self-talk. You are worthy of happiness, and instead of telling yourself that you have flaws, fight that urge and insist that you are beautiful and smart, because you are :).

Going to see your new therapist should be very helpful, but until then try to take good care of yourself. People do care for you. I would recommend having a routine in your life where you do certain things each day. Is there a guidance counselor at school you can talk to? Also, you don't HAVE to get a job right now...please don't feel bad if you don't work. You're still in high school! Enjoy it while it lasts. Have you talked to your teachers about applying to college? Thinking about college might give you an idea of your direction in the future, and knowing that your teachers support you and care for you could make a big difference. Also, keep posting here! Venting your frustrations can make you feel better too.

[santagaria]

Santagaria,

I'm sorry you're feeling lost right now. It sounds like you have a lot of turmoil in your life, some of which is out of your control, like your parents. I'm glad you're at your dad's now, since you seem more comfortable there.

I've felt lost and out of touch with myself too, and what dragged me out of that was doing things that were meaningful to me, making sure I took care of myself, and spending time with my friends. I read and learned things that were interesting to me...Just taking joy in simple things makes life meaningful. Also, it sounds like you have a lot of negative self-talk. You are worthy of happiness, and instead of telling yourself that you have flaws, fight that urge and insist that you are beautiful and smart, because you are :).

Going to see your new therapist should be very helpful, but until then try to take good care of yourself. People do care for you. I would recommend having a routine in your life where you do certain things each day. Is there a guidance counselor at school you can talk to? Also, you don't HAVE to get a job right now...please don't feel bad if you don't work. You're still in high school! Enjoy it while it lasts. Have you talked to your teachers about applying to college? Thinking about college might give you an idea of your direction in the future, and knowing that your teachers support you and care for you could make a big difference. Also, keep posting here! Venting your frustrations can make you feel better too.

Wiplash,

thanks so much for answering!
One thing I immediately realised while reading your answer, is that I have one great mistake: I see what I do wrong rather than what I do right, or, as you said, I should insist on that I'm worth something... but how to do this, I don't know. Everyone I talk to (e.g., my therapist) tells me that I cannot handle praise, but that I take much more importance on my flaws... it seems to be something I like to do, sigh.

I like your idea with spending time with friends but as there are no friends, I can't do so. Well there is ONE friend, better than nothing, I know, but we're not meeting that often... once in a month, I guess. It's hard to continue all this on my own, but I somehow have to manage.

We don't have a guidance counselor at our school. Anyway, I don't think that would help, because I've been there quite a while ago and all they did was telling me I should do something with office work, because such jobs are future-proof. This guys don't take care about what interests we students have, but only what jobs are, so to say, average, achievable for everyone. What I want to do I don't know yet but since I've got the dream to see more of the world, I want to participate on travel&work (http://www.realgap.co.uk/ something like this :)...) But therefor I have to earn money and I'll search for a job after high school, then save the money so I can do this one year. But what profession I want to have later on, this is like a mistery to me.

Anyway, thank your for answering. :shy

[Whiplash]

You're welcome. Also, see - I think you have more direction in your life than many.

In my psychology classes, I learned that people tend to be too self-aware, often focusing on their flaws too much while seeing the good in others. If I can see the good in you (you're rather bright, I think :), then you can see it too!

[santagaria]

Hey,

I just wanted to wish you good luck again or give you some more :gimmehug s and hope you're more fine than yesterday.

My problem is just that I need other people to tell me what I can do and what not and what I am and what not. I'm just in no way self-conscious and I'm so afraid (concerning the "communication-problem") that this has nothing to do with my eating disorder or with my self-esteem. Oh well, I just have to be patient, huh?
I have waited for so long already, for a day I feel better, since some years for now, but I've got no other chance than to wait.

Thanks again!

[santagaria]

Sorry for double-posting, but I have another thing to say...
It's about my "communication"-problem. Can anyone relate to have something like this? I feel so left alone with it. When being together with other people, I'm sort of afraid to talk to them. I'm actually a very talkative person but somehow, since two years or so already, it's like I don't dare to talk too much or that I keep saying, well, "wrong" things. I can't explain it properly, it's hard to do so.

I'm very tensed when talking to people. I always fear I say stupid things; things that are uninteresting, not funny, or just stupid. I feel like I'm unworth to talk to, like i'm too uninteresting...I don't have the particular feeling of that I force myself to talk or that I maybe am "different" when I talk to people (sometimes it's eben like this that I fear I just AM this way and this makes me go crazy) and this is just horrible! The thing is, no matter WHAT I say, the conversation sooner or later "dies"; there's nothing left to say and the following silence is so uncomfortable it's driving me mad!!!
I avoided to be alone with people because I am so afraid of the silence! I can't stand it! This is just so wrong and it frightens me that it'll be this way for ever and ever :(!!!!

[Whiplash]

I think that you're just too self-aware and self-conscious, when in reality people aren't judging you and what you're saying - in fact, they're probably thinking about how they came across. Please relax! I see this is causing you a lot of anxiety and is getting in the way of having friendships. Can you slowly try to overcome your fear by talking to people a little bit each day, until you feel confident about yourself? That way, you'll see that you are no different or less interesting than anyone else.

It also sounds like you're looking toward others for validation, to tell you that you're okay. You are just fine as you are! You are caring and smart! But others can never fill the void you feel inside, because what matters most is how you feel about yourself. You're competent and strong. Please see yourself as such!