um, im actually about to take a plunge

[dice]

i'm in such a dark place right now. my self esteem is sub-zero. i havent been telling the truth to the people around me about what's going on. my T knows i'm having some problems, but i haven't been very specific with her. i feel like i'm actually lying to my friends, family and teachers because of the face i've put on to cover it all up.

i've been a bad girl. not because i've fallen, but because i've turned away from help's arms.

it seems like the way i view myself will never change. :sad i don't really know how to seek help from anyone other than my T, since they all see my happy face all the time.

[new_day]

:gimmehug dice :gimmehug

Oh hun, I hear such sadness in your post! And I've been where you're at and I know how much it sucks. It's like, you're trying to fake it, and you hope it's going to work and then one day you realize you're basically acting.

You said you have a T. I think, that might be where you need to start. In truth, this person is being paid to help you and they can't do that unless they've got somethin' to work with. Maybe you could write out some of the specifics of what's going on? Even if you needed to vent here, we're listening if that helps...

I dunno. Writing things helps me to make sense of my thoughts. I used to make a little note card before I went to T sometimes, just to help me say things. I wouldn't show it to my T, I'd just have it in my hand and use it to help me organize my thinking and steer our session in the way I needed it to go. It's just a thought.

It is SO hard to be honest with yourself, let alone others. You've already done something important by recognizing that you need to really deal with what's making you unhappy. Good for you! And I don't think you're a bad girl, I think that you're hurting. That kind of hurt tends to make it harder to speak up and puts a cloud over life, but you don't have to wear a mask, hun. I promise that the people who really matter will be there for for and help you through this if you ask them to.

:love
Kate

[bunki]

I don't think you've been "bad", you've been hurting and maybe didn't react the way you wish you would have. That means that your human, not bad! No one makes the "best" choice every time. If you've turned away from those who can support and help you, you can turn back to them. It's a fixable situation.
I know what it's like to put on a happy face, but, don't be surprised if your friends don't already know that something is bothering you. Alot of times, people can see through that act, but don't say anything because they figure you'll tell them about it when you're ready.
Also, you don't need to feel like you're lying. While it's not good to hide and deny feelings from ourselves or those close to us...you don't need to feel obligated to "show" anyone any feelings that you don't want to! :gimmehug