Coming clean. I'm really pathetic right now.

[new_day]

Well Fishys, try as I might, I've fucked up. I've totally slid backwards and I find the whole thing rather upsetting. It has honestly felt like the end of the world to me. But I'm trying to use logic right now. It is not the end of the world and I'm going to make it. I'm just discouraged with myself and rather sad.

So yeah. I don't even want to type this because I'm really ashamed but I figure if anyone will understand where I'm coming from it's you guys!

:trigger Behavior talk :ohboy

I've purged. A few times. I don't even really think I binged. I mean, I ate some food that's "not good for me" but not huge quantities or anything, I just felt so much guilt.
What really upsets me is that I wanted it :confused. I willed it into being. I wanted to purge and so I purposely ate food that I knew I would feel so much anxiety about that I would have to purge.

See? This is why I think that I've asked to have an ED sometimes. I mean, who does this? Who sets themselves up like this? :anger

After so much time without doing it, my body wasn't pleased I had decided to make myself sick :ohboy. I cried the whole time and it was hard, messy and painful. And although I had that clean and empty feeling I had seeked in the first place, I was pissed off at myself. For good reason, too. Why do I do this shit?!

And now I'm sitting here still upset because I know I need to eat. I need something in my body. If I'm going to keep going and try to recover from this mess I got myself into then I need to at least feed my body. But I don't want it. I've gone through all the "safe foods" I could eat in my mind and I don't want anything. I don't want it in my mouth. I really have an issue with things in my mouth. I'm not sure why. I mean, I'm a nail-biter (gross, I know...) and when I was a young child I sucked my thumb, but seriously, I can't stand food in my mouth most of the time. I hate the act of chewing and swallowing. It's so stupid and crazy.

And so I sit. Knowing what I should do but being stubborn :whateva. I even peeled an orange and tried to eat that and I ended up wasting the whole thing because I couldn't even look at it. The idea of putting food in my mouth made me think that I would have to purge and I don't want anything in my stomach. I don't want to have to purge. After this morning there is nothing rewarding about it right now and so I would rather not eat.

I really need to pull myself together. I think it's a good thing that I'm frustrated with myself because that means I know this is wrong, you know? Still, it's like I'm purposely doing this. Last night I couldn't sleep. I was on a "purge-high" I guess you could say :ugh. I stayed up until three am and put magazine cut-outs on my wall. I know that's not a good idea no matter how much I like fashion. And another thing. I want a scale. I think about it. I dreampt about it the other night :wacky. I feel like a freak. I'm in Ireland with so much to do and see and I'm obsessing about things I can't have like a child? Grrrrr.

I always do this. All through high school I said "when I go to college I can use behaviors all I want because no one will be there to watch me!!!" and now, whenever I leave home and start a new semester I fuck it all up again. I'm acting so immature :mad. Ugh.

So there it is. The gross, dirty truth. I've confessed and I still don't feel any better but I guess it's good to have it out there.
Any thoughts and/or challenges would be awesome as I really have no idea what to do with myself right now...

:love
Kate

[over_it]

:hugon Kate :hugoff

It sounds like you are in a tough place right now. Do you have anyone in Ireland you can talk to who can help you through this? What about a therapist or nutritionist? It is scary and discouraging to slip up with ed thoughts and behaviors, but it does NOT mean you are defeated! :challenge Do not let the ed win - do the next right thing. Eat that breakfast, nourish your body and mind, and tell the ed to go back where it belongs. :yay

Can you think back to what you were feeling when you *decided* to eat those foods so that you would "want" to purge? What is it about a new semester that makes these thoughts/behaviors return?

Please don't give up, hon! You are worth more than this, and you CAN do this! :cute

:gimmehug

[diamond in the rough]

:hugon Kate :hugoff

I'm sorry to hear that you're having a hard time. It sounds like adjusting being abroad is a little bit hard, without people making sure you're eating well and stuff. It is still REALLY important to eat though, even if you're not hungry. Your body needs fuel so you'll be able to function and concentrate in classes, sightseeing, and with friends.

Do you know what led up to you purging? Were you upset about something? :ear

[new_day]

:hugon over_it and diamond in the rough :hugoff

Thank you for :ear me! Yes, I am in a tough place. I don't have any support here, but I am trying to find out what my university offers. I was kinda hoping I would be "ok" for three months as I was ok over the summer, but apparently I'm not that cool.

As far as why this happened, well, I'm not totally sure. I not sure why I have just kinda given in and set myself up for failure. I am totally being a self-defeatist and I'm not impressed with that!

Purging gives me feelings I've found no where else. It's a mix between satisfaction and punishment if that makes any sense at all. I always feel calm and accomplished and in control after I've purged. And I feel like I've gotten what I've deserved. I'm always punishing myself for something... But yeah. I guess that's why I ate something I knew I would purge. I wanted those feelings. And I wanted it to be fail-proof. And so I basically did this to myself. Bleck.

As for the begining of the semester, well, I am always acutely aware that I can't "get away" with an ED behavior at home. But I constantly hear people talk about weight and bodies (mine included most of the time) and so it triggers me and makes me feel like shit by the time I leave. It's just who my parents are and no matter how many times I calmly explain I hate it when they talk about people's weight and judege my body they always insist they are simply trying to help or they are joking and I need to lighten up or something. So when I do get back to school I can act on all that guilt that has built up. I always come back to school with the feeling that "this will be the semester that I'll finally prove them wrong and come back thin and pretty for once. and then no one will say anything about my body and I'll be good enough." And then I freak out and fall hard into ED behaviors. It's all stupid.

So between being home for a week or so before I came abroad definately has influenced this slip. So has being in a foreign country because people look at me all the time here. I stand out everywhere I go because I'm American. And it's hard. I have an issue with feeling like everyone is judging me. It doesn't matter if someone smiles at me or gives me a glare, I always assume they're mentally making fun of me. I always think they are thinking about how f*t I am and how I'm not very pretty. I don't do this to other people and I logically doubt that they are all doing it to me, but it freaks me out. I have been critisized by many people. My parents don't spare me their commentary, I was made fun of as a child/adolesent, and I have had my body objectified many times by men. I feel like my body is an ugly extension of my soul and unless I control it and try to make it small and "pretty" then people will always see me as an ugly person on the whole.

Whoa. Lots of deep thinking. Thank you for getting me going on this. Wow. Ed really fucks with one's mind. It's kinda sad.

Anyways, I did eat something. I hated every bite of it and I am really hating it right now as my stomach isn't happy from what I put it through earlier, but that's the price I pay for what I did. I just really really really don't want it in me, but oh well. I'm already crying about it so there's not much that can be done. *grumble* I really need to get my act together...

:love
Kate

[starswillcry]

:hugonnew_day :hugoff
Hey sweetie, i am sorry to hear how much you are struggling. My internet connection is terrible so i keep getting kicked off....but anyways i hear you on so much of what you are saying. I think being abroad and being with different people and feeling so judged all the time is def. a hard thing and being abroad myself i know what you are saying. I am sorry that you are feeling so awful i too was hoping that for three months i would be perfectly fine with everything but of course it is harder then expected, i hope you are able to find some support through your university. i don't have much advice to offer but i am sending you lots and lots of :gimmehug :gimmehug :gimmehug :gimmehug :gimmehug :gimmehug and letting you know you are not alone at all. I hope you are able to enjoy your time abroad as well and find support and truly enjoy it you do not deserve to be hurting this much. keep fighting and hang in ther eyou will be ok lots of :gimmehug :gimmehug :gimmehug :gimmehug :gimmehug

[new_day]

Thanks :hugon startswillcry :hugoff! Sorry about your shoddy internet connection and thanks for taking the time to reply to me! I really appreciate it and am thankful that you know where I'm coming from!

I just wanted to update real quick...
I'm still not doing great, but I'm very aware of what I'm doing and what's going on. I haven't taken really good care of myself the past few days, and while that concerns me I am not attempting to pull the wool over my own eyes and ignore it. I'm making little strides to get back on track but it is very hard. I went through some stuff at home recently that has made this much worse for me and has brought up a lot of those old feelings of not being good enough, so that has made life a little difficult.

I think, sadly, that this ahs progressed a little further then a slip and is definately a bit of a relapse. The way I am thinking is so disordered and although I try to talk myself out of all this self-hate its sort of engulfed me right now and it's like all of a sudden I'm back at square one.

But the difference this time is that I know I'm not at square one. I've done a lot of really tough work on recovery in the past six or seven months and I don't have to give up. I'm not gonna lie. Right now it feels like I can't do it, but I know I can. I've done it before and I'll do it again.

So I guess, through all this rambling I'm saying that I'm still really struggling but that I have hope, and that's something I didn't have last time.
Thanks for all the support, and if you have any ideas of how to kick ED back out, let me know!
:love
Kate

[Ribbles]

Kate,

Are you my twin? Seriously, were you born in NJ?

There are parts of your post that are eerie to read b/c it looks like you copied my journal!

I've purged. A few times. I don't even really think I binged. I mean, I ate some food that's "not good for me" but not huge quantities or anything, I just felt so much guilt.
What really upsets me is that I wanted it . I willed it into being. I wanted to purge and so I purposely ate food that I knew I would feel so much anxiety about that I would have to purge.

This is my life. Every day. Over and over. I have the "if you're going to get wet, you may as well go swimming" mentality about binging. One thing my T :challenge me about is asking if this has anything to do w/ punishment. It's so true...I don't feel that I deserve this binge foods and they give me so much anxiety. So I punish myself by stuffing them in to the point that I have to get rid of them. There's no sense of moderation with these foods...if I have a bite, then I will just eat the whole thing b/c you have to put the food in in order to get it out.

Are you doing this as punishment for some reason? Maybe b/c of the feelings your family inflicts on you?

Purging gives me feelings I've found no where else. It's a mix between satisfaction and punishment if that makes any sense at all. I always feel calm and accomplished and in control after I've purged. And I feel like I've gotten what I've deserved. I'm always punishing myself for something... But yeah. I guess that's why I ate something I knew I would purge. I wanted those feelings. And I wanted it to be fail-proof. And so I basically did this to myself. Bleck.

I have yet to find anything else that makes me feel this calm. It stops my head from spinning and turns off all the noise. And I live alone, so it's so easy for me to do this. Just like taking candy from a baby.

My question to both of us is this: What are we accomplishing? Yes, we feel we deserved this punishment and feel a temporary relief. But then what? The cycle repeats and gets us nowhere. What is our goal?

[over_it]

:hugon Kate :hugoff

I'm so glad to :ear you have hope! Struggling is okay; giving up is not. :igotit Hang onto that hope. It sounds like you never got to process the stuff that was brought up in you at home before going abroad. Can you talk about that stuff here? Is there someone there you can talk with? You have worked too hard to let this ed spiral out of control, particularly when you've got a chance to spend a semester abroad! Hang in there, hon, and let us know how we can help.

:gimmehug

[starswillcry]

:hugonnew_day :hugoff
Hey sweetie, i hope that your feeling better today and i am sorry your still struggling but i am glad that you have hope. I am sending you lots and lots of :gimmehug :gimmehug :gimmehug :gimmehug :gimmehug :gimmehug :gimmehug :gimmehug :gimmehug keep fighting you can do this!

[new_day]

Oh :hugon Ribbles :hugoff I appreciate the fact that you and I can see this together. Knowing that someone else shares so closely in this struggle makes one feel less alone, huh?

Oh, and I hear you on the punishment. I am always punishing myself. I'm not sure why and I've only recently gotten in touch with this fact, but I do feel I need to pay for my short-comings. That is more then likely a big reason behind the purging. Especially when I binge. Like you, if I'm going to eat something I enjoy then I better damn-well pay for that enjoyment because why should I be able to enjoy something? :ummm

And on to your :challenges!
What are we accomplishing? Yes, we feel we deserved this punishment and feel a temporary relief. But then what? The cycle repeats and gets us nowhere. What is our goal?

You know, I have no idea what the goal is beyond my need to be thin. The sad/ironic thing is that I have never really been skinny anyways. I've never reached that "goal" I set in my head years ago. I stay stuck repeatedly kicking myself in the ass it seems. But it really doesn't get us anywhere.

I love it when we can really look closely at ED and suddenly, it makes no sense. While that may not immediately change the behavior it is always refreshing (and a little scary) to look around and say "what is this about, anyways?"

:hugon over_it and starswillcry :hugoff
Thanks for being there for me Fishys! It means a lot to have your support. I've got to do some digging and I think I'll post about it at some point. Thank you for reminding me that this is a safe place and I can let some of the built-up crap go...
I truly hope that you guys are doing alright and are taking care of yourselves, too!

:love
Kate