I am so pathetic-I hate ed rant

[finding_my_feet]

I can't believe myself. I was just at my cousins wedding. When I saw that my aunt and uncle were leaving early I hitched a ride with them. The reason I left was mainly so I could get back to the hotel and be alone so I could purge. Now I hate myself. I feel so pathetic. As soon as I figured out I was leaving I grabbed a bunch of wedding cake too. I was like screw it I'm gonna purge I might as well eat what I want even though I didn't really binge. I feel like that is so low. I was so uncomfortable. Everyone was drinking and I'm an alcoholic so I don't drink. I was trying to make everything look okay, but it felt so overwhelming. As soon as I knew I could leave my eating disorder jumped at it. I am so disgusted with myself. I'm sitting in my hotel room by myself and I don't even know what to do with myself. I feel so paralyzed by this damn eating disorder right now. I don't want it. I wish my insurance would approve residential, but they are giving me so much shit about it. I need more help. This intensive outpatient thing isn't enough right now. I was doing so well in ip and then my stupid insurance cut me off. If they would just give me the appropriate time then maybe I could get better. Sorry I just needed to get all that out. I feel so alone in my eating disorder with my family.

[silentlyscreams]

I know exactly how you feel-whenever I sense 'alone time' ED commands my full attention. Especially if I've been doing really well, you know eating right, but if I'm left alone after eating a healthy meal, ED takes over and says 'you already screwed up, so what does it matter?'
I'm sorry your insurance is being a pain in the ass...I really wish those morons would attempt to understand the magnitude of our problems and have compassion enough to help us as much as they can. Unfortunately they don't and we are the ones who have to pay the price.
There's no advice in this...I just wanted you to know you definitely aren't alone and i'm sending lots of love and hugs your way...
:gimmehug :lubdub :gimmehug :lubdub
-S.S.

[niki_z]

i'm so sorry that you're hurting right now...

maybe you can look at the good side? the fact that you're angry that you let ED behaviors cut into your enjoyment of the wedding means something. you should appreciate that!

i think big social things can be really scary... all that food and your family and dressing up. i can remember one wedding i went to that i really went wild on the cake.. there was so much and well, it was just really hard...