feeling really down..

[KaEE]

:trigger mentions behaviors :trigger

hi fishys...I have been swimming around the boards a lot lately (i've been a member for a few years) but I just really haven't had the courage to post...I guess I didn't want to admit to myself and others that I have a problem. I've struggled with disordered eating for many years--in high school I was anorexic, in college I was bulimic, but i've been doing pretty well the past two years until now. I recently moved from a big city and now live in the suburbs with my boyfriend. I have a lot of free time right now, I don't have a car or a job yet and my boyfriend works a lot of hours. I'm waiting to hear if I will be accepted into grad school. I also have a big event coming up for which I have to be dressed up for and I think the combination of all this is a huge trigger for me. I feel pretty useless as I spend most of the time my boyfriend is at work obsessing about calories, sometimes binging and occasionally purging...I just feel like i'm starting to lose control again and I really don't want to go into another downward spiral. Funny thing is, when my boyfriend is around i'm really able to keep these behaviors at a minimum and I feel like my life is somewhat normal, but when he works I lose all control over this. My boyfriend knows a little bit about what is going on and he is totally supportive, he just gets frustrated and feels like he can't help me. My family doesn't know about my ED but they do make a lot of comments about my weight (when it fluctuates). I guess this post is really me venting and i'm sorry it's long or if it doesn't make sense....I think I just needed to know that someone out there understands what i'm going through...thanks for listening/reading :sad

KaEE

[agapeflower]

Hey :) I'm new here, so I don't know as much as everyone else on the boards I'm sure, but I just wanted to say that even if you don't think so right now, you're a wonderful person, worthy of love and care and support - so *hugs* for you!

All of those things - grad school, big events, out of work - are definitely stressful, and you have every right to feel out those emotions instead of acting out on them in a disordered way. Is there something you can do (walk around, make a collage, watch a funny movie) that you can think of that will calm you down and refocus you for a bit?

I think it's great that your bf is really supportive, and I know the frustration that comes with not being able to really understand what happens in our minds. But just know that he does love you, and you will get through this difficult moment - just take it as slowly as you can, one day at a time...hope that helped a little!

[KaEE]

Thanks agapeflower!!
I was :touched by your kind words--it was really nice to hear. Unfortunately last night wasn't a great night for me with some of the behaviors I mentioned, but I was able to prevent myself from purging by calling my mom and talking to her for a while...so I think that's progress... I'm feeling optimistic for today, but that's how my days usually start....I don't know where I go wrong during the day for it to turn into a depressing downslide into the behaviors again:confused . I will try your suggestions (walking, watching a movie) to see if that helps.