View Full Version : Working too hard at it?

11-10-2001, 02:57 AM
Hi Fishies:fishy:hugoff
Are all men just big babies at heart?? Sorry...I'm just feeling a little upset with my significant other right now! I've been seriously dating someone for the last five months and it's been going pretty good.
Except for one thing. We've both agreed to hold off on the sex until we get married. Easier said than done. And of course I feel like I'm the one always having to put the brakes on! In the beginning of our relationship when this steam/sex/train would grind to a halt.....He would tuck his tail in, and hide in his cave until I called him and pursued.
Drove me nuts! Because I hadn't done anything wrong except hold us to our agreement.
Now I'm seeing the pattern develop and I think it has to do with control.
I put the brakes on.....putting me in the position of control. He has to re-establish his control by ignoring me and keeping me off balance?
The last time this happened ( last monday night) I held back from calling him to see if he was okay? In fact, I didn't contact him at all. No phone calls from him until Thursday morning. And then three phone calls all in a row! contrite. Apologetic. Telling me I was ************% right and that he missed me. :supergrin
I'm glad now that I waited it out and let him take responsibility. It was hard though.
The lesson that is so hard for me to learn is just to participate a reasonable amount...then let the relationship find it's own life. I can let it go. If it's meant to be....it will be, and I don't help that process by trying to control it.
Dating can be such a tiring thing. Sometimes I get so weary with the whole process of getting to know a new person and all their little tactic and foibles. But, then there's the good/great stuff too! :supergrin
Love beth :love

11-10-2001, 11:14 AM
Hi Beth :happy

It's good to hear from you . It sounds as though you have a reasonable perspective on it all . Sometimes with love we want it to be a certain way . . . instead of embracing the way it is . Maybe this is also the way we live our lives . I can spend infinite energy wanting . . . wishing . . . desiring . . . hoping for my life to live up to the thoughts of my mind . Underlying all that . . . is this profound sense that everything is allright . . . just as it is . While this goes against what I have learned all my life . . . I'm learning to trust my heart . My heart is unconditional love .
My heart observes everything I do . . say . . think . . and feel . . . and loves it all .
Do you trust your heart Beth ? Fear . . underlies our need for control . Ask yourself . . . your fears . . . get to know them . The beauty of fear . . of all emotion . . is that we have a choice to learn from it . . . or try to hide . There is no real hiding though is there ?
Myself . . . I am in love with someone who is married . It's a rather long story . . . but the bottom line is I am challenged every day to embrace my heart . . . or run from it . At times I feel so wounded I wonder if I'll survive . This has been challenging me to my core . In moments of quietness . . . I am able to see clearly . My expectations . . desires . . wishes . . all cloud my heart . For I love this person very much . . . and I know she loves me . For now . . . she is where she is . . and this is the best place for her . I love her dearly . . . and I must let her be . I have no control over anything . . . nor do I want it . It's exhausting trying to control . No one ever told me that love is infinite . . . boundless . . . and inexhustable . No one ever told me there are no rules to love . I found this . . . in my own heart . I cry . . . I celebrate . . I flounder . . . I flourish . . from love .
I choose to express this with you Beth . There is always this little voice in my that wonders if it's allright to express such things . Well . . this is my one life as Garth . Moments come and go . Opportunities arise and fade . What is there to fear ?

Much love for you Beth :love

:happy Garth:sun

11-10-2001, 11:52 AM

I guess this is where that saying "Let the caged bird free, if it comes back to you then it was meant to be." comes from. I do the same thing, I try to control too much. Generally what I find is that i am miserable, I don't trust him and I am pushing him away. You did a good thing by letting him call first, you allowed that to build your trust in him and it allowed him to get the control back he needed. Seems to me you and him are making great decisions in your relaitonship. Relationships are hard work, so I wish you the best and God bless.



11-10-2001, 12:07 PM
:hugonHi Garth!!:supergrin:hugoff
Always trust that little voice! I love to hear your expressions!
You challenge me----I appreciate that!
You're so right....Love is infinite, knows no boundaries and is inexhaustable. The reason I believe this to be true is because Love is God. God is love and there is no trust without truth. And love rejoices in truth.

My heart aches for you Garth...It must be difficult to be in love with someone you can't be with one hundred %.
I've always felt love is an action....a choice....not an emotion. It can create an emotion.
You can give without loving....but you cannot love without giving.

You asked if I trust my heart? I sincerely have to question my heart at times. After dealing wtih the ed for so many years and compartmentalizing that space in my life.....I now (in recovery) am starting to really listen to my heart and I'll admit it does scare me at times. Can I open up to another and truly be vulnerable and risk hurt/rejection and all that love entails? Including the fears? Which.....let's face it.....is part of life.
My test of sanity is to find a sense of humor through it all. :supergrin
I believe I'm afraid of what I can not control and am afraid of what I don't know? The old insecurity equaling fear. But fear is like pain, and it's part of life. I acknowledge the fear though and can even confess it. Because like "Comming Out" with the ed....I'm learning to accept it and to be gentler with myself. I'm still living by that motto in this new relationship....."Just one day at a time." It's all I can handle for the moment. Thanks for replying back and it's good to see you still here! :grin
Love beth :love

11-10-2001, 12:31 PM
:hugonHey Kim!:hugoff
Thanks for the imput and encouragement!
Man...aint it the truth....it's so easy to push them away especially in the beginning when you are first "getting to know each other?!"
So much tension fraught with uncertainty.
Believe me it was hard NOT to call....but I think it paid off dividends like you said, "allowing me to build some trust and him to gain back his sense of control."
I know that somehow a healthy relationship exists somewhere in the middle between too much giving and too much taking?!
Just trying to find that healthy balance? Thanks for your reply.
Love beth :love