can't stop this

[staticdiamond]

in two days i was able to revert back to my old habits..... :sad

:trigger


i was already having a hard time staying on track.....i had a panic attack because of something i ate and i ended up purging in my car....that's something i've never done before. i've never had an urge to purge so bad that i just....did it.

and now all i can think about is how i didn't follow through on what i had planned on eating today (but in a bad way since i had wanted to restrict)....i've had such a horrible day. i've binged, i've purged.

i mean, while i was binging i could pick out the emotions: i was hungry (since i had restricted the day before), i was sad, i was lonely, i was bored.

but being able to do that almost made it worse. instead of being like "ok, i'm reacting to a situation" i just started ruminating on it more and the binge got worse.

and now the only thing on my mind is that i want ice cream, and all i want to do is binge. i'm lucky that we don't have any ice cream in the house, but if my dad goes to sleep i dunno what is gonna keep me from driving to the twenty four hour grocery store.

i don't even care anymore. i'm scared. i want to be somewhere safe. and i know that in residential i'm safe. i just need to get sick enough that i have to go back.

but thats no way to live. i have my motivators....do track in college, BE in college, get away from home, start a life.

but its not enough. :cry its not enough to keep me from engaging in behaviors. i'm destroying my recovery. i was doing well but i just can't handle this. i didn't like who i was, and i don't like who i am now even worse.

i'm in a bad place

[PrivetRussianlover]

Sam,

I don't mean to be harsh but until you decide to get better and find what is really bothering you and your true motivation you're destined to repeat this cycle of self destruction that could eventually lead to your death. You've got the world in front of you yet something keeps you reverting back to your ed. Are you scared about growing up, leaving home, college? I know I was so I kept hurting myself to avoid life.

Hang in there:gimmehug :gimmehug

[staticdiamond]

what frustrates me is that i used to be all for recovery and i was motivated and my goals mattered to me...something changed....flipped.

i know i can't get better until i want to again...but i dont know how i'll do that, i mean, want to get better.

its sad cause even though i know all the consequences of the ED and that its not about weight and blah blah blah, its so comforting for me to just pretend that all i'm doing is trying to lose weight. i know there's more under there, its not that superficial...but i'm too scared to dig deeper. i don't want to find out what else is under the surface.

i want my motivation back, but i don't know how i'm gonna do it.