futureteacher
06-21-2007, 06:56 PM
My pdoc said something today that made me :mad and I want the insight from other Christian fishies (or other fishies of faith)
She said that I should be furious at my dad for what he did to me (physical abuse). I questioned what she meant--wanted to know if she was validating what she thought I was feeling or asking if I'd worked through those feelings. Nope, she was saying that I'm less emotionally healthy because I'm not furious at him.
There was a time I would have agreed with her. I went from being very very angry at my father to directing all of that anger toward myself. YES, that is where the ED/SI stuff started, but honestly that's not my reason for it now. I worked through forgiving my father. It took about two years of constant praying and crying and talking with friends and pastors before I could say I'd forgiven him. It took another two years before I was able to have a civil conversation with him about what had happened during my childhood.
He came as close to appologizing then as I thought he ever would--saying "I didn't know how to raise you right and made lots of mistakes." BUT, about two moths ago, he actually appologized. I told him through a letter that I thought his treatment of me was a primary cause of my struggles today. He was very receptive and said that he was sorry.
Our relationship now is good. Not perfect, but good.
Yes, I still have problems, but it's not a case of me needing to be angry at my father. It's a case of me needing to get over being angry at myself. I no longer believe that I was at fault in the abuse, though I know I wasn't an easy child to handle. I was a very angry child--I'm not blaming myself for the abuse, but I'm also not going to say that I was in any way an easy child to discipline. But, I know that ulitimately, he was at fault.
But, I've forgiven him. I still hurt when I think back on the memories, but the anger is gone.
Why would my pdoc say I needed to be angry--FURIOUS at him? To me, that seems detramental and like I'd be taking steps backwards.
She said that I should be furious at my dad for what he did to me (physical abuse). I questioned what she meant--wanted to know if she was validating what she thought I was feeling or asking if I'd worked through those feelings. Nope, she was saying that I'm less emotionally healthy because I'm not furious at him.
There was a time I would have agreed with her. I went from being very very angry at my father to directing all of that anger toward myself. YES, that is where the ED/SI stuff started, but honestly that's not my reason for it now. I worked through forgiving my father. It took about two years of constant praying and crying and talking with friends and pastors before I could say I'd forgiven him. It took another two years before I was able to have a civil conversation with him about what had happened during my childhood.
He came as close to appologizing then as I thought he ever would--saying "I didn't know how to raise you right and made lots of mistakes." BUT, about two moths ago, he actually appologized. I told him through a letter that I thought his treatment of me was a primary cause of my struggles today. He was very receptive and said that he was sorry.
Our relationship now is good. Not perfect, but good.
Yes, I still have problems, but it's not a case of me needing to be angry at my father. It's a case of me needing to get over being angry at myself. I no longer believe that I was at fault in the abuse, though I know I wasn't an easy child to handle. I was a very angry child--I'm not blaming myself for the abuse, but I'm also not going to say that I was in any way an easy child to discipline. But, I know that ulitimately, he was at fault.
But, I've forgiven him. I still hurt when I think back on the memories, but the anger is gone.
Why would my pdoc say I needed to be angry--FURIOUS at him? To me, that seems detramental and like I'd be taking steps backwards.